single mum with only child

[elizadoo]

Hello all, i'm interested in your experiences in being a single mum of an only child, which I think may be different from having a partner plus an only child.

I find that because there are just 2 of you in the family the dynamic is different and the adult/child barrier more muddied than when there are 'parents' and 'child/ren'. My dd, 10, has been a bit like my partner, going out with me, watching TV with me, etc. She sees herself as my equal. That has pros and cons - it's hard not to treat her as more adult than she is, and to want to confide in her, as the only other human in my orbit at the time; she's very confident talking to adults and is not cowed by authority; but she can act very 'entitled'. At the same time I can be overfocussed on her, and sometimes we quarrel like siblings!

She has a very strong personality, so a lot of this may just be as she would be anyway. Recently she has become more keen to hang out with friends, and to be more 'bored' by me and my friends, which I'm sure is normal healthy development, but invevitably feels a bit of a rejection at times, since we have been so intertwined!

What does everyone think are the pros and cons, from the adult and the child's point of view? Any tips?

thanks

[Acinonyx]

Two of my closest friends are single mums to onlies - one a boy now grown up, the other a young girl. The dynamics, in both cases, are just as you describe. I notice it myself when dh goes away for work and it is just me and dd at home.

With the boy's mum, his teenage years coinicided with her starting an ongoing relationship - and that was pretty tough for a while, but has helped the separation in the longer term.

I think the relationship with an only is usually more intense - and even more so with a single parent. I was an only, and my parents complained that from teen years on I preferred my friends to my family.

ALso, 10 is an age to be 'bored' by just about everything. Is she really bored or is it an attitude?

[GenevieveHawkings]

I am not a single mum but I can relate to a lot of what you say too in my relationship with my DS. I don't find it hard to switch back to parent mode (and he seems to accept it) but I think it's nice to have a child who is quite mature. I've always found that his teachers have commented on how sensible he is an how well he relates to adults. Don't get me wrong though - equally he can be really immature and silly at times too but he still a kid and that's his job!!

We quarrel too at times but then so does my sister with her DD and she has two sons too!

I really love the relationship we have. It's really special and I feel we're both lucky to have it.

[EternalBlame]

I'm a single mum with an 11 yo DS. I split with his father when pg so I've never known parenting any other way.

Like you, I've had a very comfortable relationship with my child. I've never had a serious partner when he was growing up so it's just been the two of us; we've often gone out together and I'm very much focused on his needs.

I wouldn't say DS is overconfident or more mature for his age though, although he has some SN which blurs the issues as well.

I have to admit, when I'm out with other families, I'm pleased that I don't have to contend with conflicts between parents and sibling rivalry! I rarely quarrel with DS and we are relaxed in each others' company. I like the fact that I've been able to make all the decisions about big parenting issues like school choices and additional interventions. These are often stressful enough without having someone questioning your choices!

He's happy spending time with me still and hasn't yet shown signs of preferring to be with friends. I'm fortunate enough to be able to enjoy a few hobbies as my parents can care for him, so I don't think I'll be too disappointed if he does want some independence as I'm looking forward to having more 'me' time.

[JessynJ]

Hi, I'm a co-parent with a ds, aged 5, which is challenging but great fun!
Left to his own devices whilst I wash up/cook dinner/mow the lawn, anything that takes more than 5 minutes, he can cause mischief:paint the inside of the back door, empty the toothpaste to clean the bath, spin around and streak yogurt across the walls/curtains. He always learns & never repeats :o

On a plus side, he is very independent, makes his own breakfast(cereal), helps put away washing up, usually puts his dirty clothes in linen bin, cleans up his own (very frequent!) spills. Teamwork creates extra playtime!

I can roar like a dinosaur(good try but not very well mummy),be a pirate, play lots of kids games, help with jigsaw, give clues for kids Trivial Pursuits, climb playthings & imitate trolls, play football (like a girl, mummy). He needs more playdates!

I wish he had siblings to play with as I did, but he also loves shopping and cafes which we never had the chance to!!

[theredhen]

I was a single parent to my DS for years. We had what I feel is probably fairly normal for an only child with one parent and as is described by other posters above.

I think our relationship has been a bit of a to DP who has 4 kids. His kids are completely different and I feel sorry he doesn't have the closeness I have with DS, although it doesn't bother him at all. It is nice that his kids do amuse themselves though and don't look to him to be their playmate.

I do find it very hard to separate myself when I have DS and DP together and I feel torn between the 2. I don't think we "blend" very well and I wonder if this is due to my close relationship with DS and perhaps some clinginess on his part or if it is down to DP not really understanding the relationship and not trying to engage DS more rather than just aiming for my attention.

[northernrock]

I am a single with one child (four) and have been wondering about the potential situation of adding a partner to the mix.

My relationship with my son is quite sibling like I think, but in part that could be due to the fact I am from a large family and I probably regress when with ds!

It is quite intense though, and even though he has always had other carers as well as me (grandparents, nursery etc) he is quite clingy.

I just wonder how he would react if I found myself in a serious relationship. I would prob not consider living with a man for maybe years, but just the thing of having a man in my bed (yes please!) in the morning when ds comes in to wake me would prob seem really odd for ds?

Any experiences of this?

[Prettyfull]

Hey, im a single mum to DD aged 6.

I agree that the dynamic is sooo different. I can imagine my DD growing up to be very similar to the op post.
We also as somebody else mentioned are alot more like sisters then mum and daughter,..altho im mum when i need to be lol I always put our kind of relationship down to me being a young-ish mum but it prob is more as shes a single child. I had dd at 20, so kinda young mummy!

Anyway i shall be keeping an eye on this post! :D