Totally confused - dh thrown the cat among the pigeons

[MindySimmons]

Have a fantastic dd 3 1/2 very happy, sociable and making lots of friends at preschool (already has a great time at nursery). However I really am the only person I know with only 1 and so going through a bit of a 'am I a freak, am I letting dd down, should she have a sibling, will we regret not going for it?' kind of wobble.

I should point out that I am totally ambivalent as I really like things the way they are, particularly as I am the main breadwinner and spend more time with dd than dh (he has some health issues that means his energy is limited but as a personality, he feels he needs his time out as it were). Therefore I am concerned another would stretch me to my limit so would dd lose more from a stressed mummy of two than happy mum of 1?

So ask dh the all important question, does he want more children? His reply 'would be quite nice, not really worried either way?' so tried to dig a bit deeper into why another would be nice - he couldn't really give me an answer but he did say that he already finds our family life quite intense (he finds me and dd quite intense) and would not want to spend anymore time at home with us than he does already (currently he takes dd out for a bit of time on sunday whilst I run and limited play during the week as he is normally too tired and to be fair, there is a legitimate medical reason). However, it's left me in a horrid position - I don't think I can do this with so much laid at my door, without any extra help but I know others cope with little dh help and feel a bit of a failure that I'm not throwing myself into this. Think the pressure of all friends and mums at school having more than 1 and feel pretty rubbish (also rather offended by dh that he finds us a bit much! Does that mean with a different family, he would have liked more children?)

Sorry to ramble but feeling rubbish

[Rycie]

I don't think you need to feel as if the cat is amongst the pigeons - your dh doesn't seem desperate to have another, and as you are doing the majority of the work and you really like things the way they are, then keep them the way they are!

I think its completely normal to question whether or not to have another, particularly when all your friends seem to have more than one, but just because you question it from time to time doesn't mean you should be changing anything.

I go through periods where I start to think, maybe I should have another, and its amazing how relieved I feel when I come back to thinking "nope, our family is perfect with one, we're staying as we are."

Don't feel pressured into having another, you've got enough on your plate, you don't have to add to it.

I'm a little confused by your last statement though, if your dh finds you and dd a bit much, do you really think that he would be happier with MORE children when he doesn't have the energy for the one he's got??

[MindySimmons]

Think you've hit the nail on the head there Rycie, I think he'd be a lot unhappier as he already struggles energy wise as it is. I was really quite upset at first but tbh I'm not sure he quite understood just what he was saying 'yes I like children, yes wouldn't mind either way if we had more but what I have already is far too tiring anyway!'

Men eh? Need to buy him some communication vitamin supplements!

Really appreciate being able to get this off my chest though, thank you

[ASmallBunchofFlowers]

Rycie has said everything that I was going to say.

You have identified several good reasons for leaving things as they are. I don't believe for a moment that you are letting your daughter down by not having another child and I've never bought into the idea that one ought to present a child with a sibling unless it feels like the right thing for plenty of other reasons too but, anyway, neither of those considerations (in my view) outweighs the arguments for you to stick at one. Could you revisit all of this in (say) a year?

Do feel free to drop into the tea room at any time - it never closes!

[oxeye]

Hi Mindy, how are you? I guess your running club is still going well! Congratulations!

I was a bit confused about your post, but I think there are two things - you feeling a bit uncertain about having a second when you are so happy with one, then suddenly having your DH throw a bit of a loop suggesting he might not be so thrilled with family life as it is!

No wonder you felt rubbish

I think you are exploring the idea of two (or three/four/ five) as everyone does from time to time but nothing you have posted suggests that your decision to stick at one so far has been wrong

Small speaks wise words when she says wait and revisit again later!

Nice to see you again!