Guilt stopping our DS developing

[mostlyhappywithsomelowpressure]

If this is somewhere else at length, i apologise, but we really need some one child family advice, please.

We have a DS 5 who is lovely and kind and helpful and polite and loving and bright but he's not very sociable and he'd much much much rather be with DH and me than play on his own.

I know this all sounds lovely, and we do feel lucky that he likes us both enough to want to spend time with us (I was about his age when i realised my dad was a dick and didn't want to spend any time with him, and my mum wasn't often 'allowed' away from him so i spent a lot of time alone (i'm also an only)), but our DS is so grown up, he's so sensible, more sensible than us sometimes!!!!

He has no imagination because he asks us if things are real and how they work and we (often treating him like he's older than he is) explain things to him - so he rarely does that make believe play that kids his age do.

At school he's also very much an only child (as was I) in that he has one friend and if that friend doesn't want to play the same game as him he'll run off and play with someone else while my DS (apparently) stands around on his own.

I wasn't a very sociable child, and i'm not a very sociable or trusting adult (a few burns from 'friends' has made me so) and i don't want him being the loner at school - my DH's biggest fear (like most other people) is that he gets bullied at school.

My question is this (Thank god, finally - i hear you say!)- we (me particularly) feel guilty about not having another child when he was younger and so i will always entertain him and thus he is incapable of using his imagination or independence and playing by himself in his room. - Should I play with him all the time or should i encourage him to play alone?
We do go out with other children occasionally but they have cousins and siblings and other commitments so i can't foist myself on everyone i know with a child all the time...

We didn't want another DC because he was so wonderful we were just happy enjoying him, and we still are - add to that the fact I have a job that i love and don't want to have time off from AND the fact I have PCOS means i might not be able to have any more (at 32) - Just by way of explaining myself - which i always feel i need to do. I might want another later, but because we want to dedicate our lives to another child not because our DS could do with a playmate or because all my friends have more than one!!!

Sorry to go on.

Ta

Cx

[UniS]

relax- or at least try too. your ds sounds lovely. not all kids are joiners in. a sibling wouldn't automaticly change that.

although hes not keen on pretend games, does he like making stuff , lego or similar? can you get him going on a make and then fade into the background? even if your in the same room but making something different its a start.

My only a 4 yr old DS does need reminding t teh start of teh holidays that he will need to get one with some stuff on his own while I get on with teh boring jobs I normally do while hes at preschool. I spent one whole morning last week winding balls of wool in the upstairs hall while being called on for occasional building site consulatncy as he got busy with lego and stones.

don't sk about teh wool, its just a job that had to be done and hes wasn't intersted in.

[MindySimmons]

Agree with UniS - sounds like this is his nature, so don't feel you have to create another way of being.

However, I think observing what he enjoys doing and thinking about whether there are some other activities that cultivate his likes and talents may naturally make help him to make connections with others.

[GenevieveHawkings]

First off, if your DS is 5 then by the time you get around to it and it's actually arrived and grown up a bit, a sibling will never be a playmate for him until they can relate to one another more or less as adults.

I also agree withthe others that it must be in your DS's nature to be like he is.

I think it is part of the only child stereotype that only children will inevitably be odd loners who grow up to find it hard to mix, share and relate to people who have had so-called "normal" upbringings (whatever "normal" is!). Don't allow yourself to fall into the trap of believeing that your DS conforms to this myth of a stereotype - and blame yourself for it to boot!

For what it's worth, my DS is possibly the most outgoing, sociable and gregarious child that you could ever wish to meet. He is also equally happy playing with other children as he is playing on his own and amusing himself. Actually, only children are usually very good at amusing themselves because they have always had to do it and they'll usually never make a fuss about it. I don't think I've ever heard my DS come to me and say he's bored, yet it's something that children with siblings often say.

Your DS is what he is and, like all of us, certain character traits he has you won't be able to nurture out of him so you can relax about that.

Also, 5 is still very young and he'll still be finding his feet with regard to fitting in at school and finding his niche with regard to friendships groups and what he likes to do etc. He'll change as he grows up and develops.

With my DS I have always just done with him whatever any parent would do with their child. I have not tried to make any allowances for the fact that he is an only child, or to in any way sort of compensate for the fact that he doesn't have siblings. I have never been hung up on it and we've never had any problems.

I sometimes think that the more people obsess about the whole only child thing and the perceived potential negative affects of it on the child, the more problems seem to present themselves.

Chill out a bit and just let things be.

[mostlyhappywithsomelowpressure]

Thanks all.

Sorry for the delay. Really helpful advise. I actually spent yesterday with a friend with 2 and her DS also 5 was no more able to share than mine so that opened my eyes.

But thanks. Appreciate the advise.

x