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In crisis and overseas...losing the plot, HELP!

(495 Posts)
LyraGroove Mon 21-Oct-19 14:30:00

Am I being unreasonable for being so angry and resentful at DH?
We have been married 15 years. DH has a job with a foreign company, we have 3 dcs, one is secondary age, and two primary age. His company asked us to relocate and paid us a fee, it ended up costing 10k more to relocate than what they gave us, dh was happy to pay this out of pocket because he loves his job so much. Now we are overseas he has realised that we are in a financial crisis and literally have more going out than coming in. I had to give up a career, and we all gave up our lovely home, family, friends to come here. I don't speak the language and cannot work. I am so cross at him for not doing the maths and for not realising that we would end up in the crisis we are now in, I made several calculations myself, he kept saying it will be fine, and now he accepts that he was wrong about that. We can't even afford to move back, it cost 8k in removals costs. Worst of all the kids had to go back a year in their schools here, and the UK school has told me that if/when we return dcs will have to go into the year for their age group. So my middle dc is in year 4 here, when in fact should be in year 5, when we return (if we do) he will have to go into year 6, meaning he will have missed a full year's education. I am so upset about all this, I feel miserable all the time, I have drank every evening for the last two months, I cry all the time, I feel so stuck, and have no idea what we will do. I have nothing but negative feelings about DH, who is very sorry.

Aquamarine1029 Mon 21-Oct-19 14:34:13

Can you go back with the children and stay with family? Let your husband stay there to deal with the mess he's made.

girlwithadragontattoo Mon 21-Oct-19 14:37:18

Which country are you in? Europe or further afield? How long have you been there? - Fellow expat here

IncognitaIgnorama Mon 21-Oct-19 14:38:09

What's your husband's solution to keep you afloat? If your outgoings are more than you have coming in, he surely must be thinking about how to correct this.

I can't imagine how stressed, upset and angry you must be, OP - I think he needs to step up with some suggestions now flowers

araiwa Mon 21-Oct-19 15:04:03

A company that paid him to relocate is not some kind of mcjob. How are you spending more than what i imagine to be a reasonable salary?

LyraGroove Mon 21-Oct-19 15:05:28

We are in Southern Europe, been here 3 months.

I have no family, I am an only child, my parents are not alive. I wish I had the option to leave with dcs, they are unaware of the crisis we are in and have settled well in school. Also, now that dcs are resident I need permission from dh and the court to de-register them and leave permanently with them.

He is yet to come up with a suitable solution to keep us afloat, he cannot leave his job either for a year or he will have to pay back the 15k relocation fee. His suggestions so far are that I learn the language and get a job, or that he will make up the money we don’t have by using credit cards to meet the shortfall, then pay them off once I’m earning.

I find the whole thing unbelievable and feel so stupid for walking into this, though he misled me into thinking it would be different.

LyraGroove Mon 21-Oct-19 15:07:50

@araiwa yes he is on a good salary. But the rent here is very high, and our house in UK is sitting empty waiting for a tenant costing us 2.5k a month. Also the extra costs in relocating which he used from his own income.

FloatingObject Mon 21-Oct-19 15:08:01

If you did the calculations and it worked out right, them how did you expect him to do calculations and arrive at a different figure?

As someone who has relocated and simply moved country multiple times: yes relocation could be that expensive if you're holding on to everything and dont want to make any sacrifices.

Equally, you could flog pretty much everything you have in the house, pack a suitcase each and just buy tickets and come home. It seems impossible but it's not. You may lose out a little, but that's got to be better than sitting at home crying, surely?

FloatingObject Mon 21-Oct-19 15:10:04

- You will be able to get a TEFL job wherever you are, guaranteed

- If you're in southern Europe, you could be living in a cheap as chips house. So make that happen.

- If your UK house is sitting empty, its probably because the rent you're asking for is high. Cut the rent price so you at least fill it

MrsMaiselsMuff Mon 21-Oct-19 15:10:18

Why can you not get a job, surely you've a decent grasp of the language after three months? Is there any work you can do remotely for a UK based company?

You're not unreasonable to be concerned with your situation, but it's due to mutual failure to check that it was a viable move so blaming your husband alone is not fair.

LyraGroove Mon 21-Oct-19 15:12:01

He lied to me about the financial package, and is now sorry for that, so his calculations were based on lies.
If we leave he has to pay back the relocation fee, which we don’t have. We have nothing in our house in the UK either, and no money to buy anything.

dreichsky Mon 21-Oct-19 15:13:06

Learning the language from scratch to point where you can work would be a long term goal.
Getting your UK house rented is a much easier short term solution. Drop the price until it rents. Try and reorganize your mortgage on it.
Consider selling your home.

FloatingObject Mon 21-Oct-19 15:15:01

Wow he lied to you about package and you now cant remove your children from the country without his permission.

This is pretty fucked up OP flowers

LyraGroove Mon 21-Oct-19 15:15:26

I don’t have a grasp of the language, I know the basics.
I am a scientist and the jobs require fluency including the technical language.
Aside from this I have applied for a work permit which takes 4-6 months.
We have signed a 1 year tenancy and can’t downgrade the house we live in before then without being liable for a full years rent.

Anothernotherone Mon 21-Oct-19 15:15:38

MrsMaiselsMuff "surely you've got a decent grasp of the language" after 3 months spent settling children into school? Bloody hell - no point posting if you're that clueless and unrealistic!

SillyMoomin Mon 21-Oct-19 15:17:02

Whilst I think it’s wrong your husband gave you the wrong figures, you sitting at home drinking and crying every night isn’t going to help matters

As a previous poster said, sort yourself out an online TEFL course. You can start teaching straight away to people online from China if you have to, you don’t have to find local students to each in person

What skills do you have? What is transferable? What online work can you bring in?

Reduce the rent at home and get tenants in

Start online courses in the local language and get on with involving yourself in the local community. If you’re going to drink every night, do it with local people.

In the nicest possible way, pull up your big girl pants, stopping feeling sorry for yourself and get on with it

theWarOnPeace Mon 21-Oct-19 15:17:25

I don’t understand how relocating costs anyone £25k?

What’s his monthly salary?

I understand that it was his job that took you all there, plus he lied in some way, but he’s not the only one responsible for doing the sums is he?

LyraGroove Mon 21-Oct-19 15:18:15

@FloatingObject yes he lied because he was worried I’d refuse to move, and says he was confident that it would work out financially so didn’t think lying was such a big deal. I feel like I hate him at times, for what he’s done to us. We have not talked about him giving us permission to leave, he has said he never wants to live without his children, so I don’t know if he’d let me go, or try to stop me.

Peridot1 Mon 21-Oct-19 15:19:31

Priority should be renting your house. If you need to drop the price do so.

Is there a British Embassy or Consulate where you are? May be possible to get a job there?

Is there an English language shcool? International school? May be possible to get a job there. I was an expat and lots of people worked at the school as TAs or admin roles.

A TEFL course would be good for you. You can do them on line. Then you could earn teaching English.

I have to say I would be furious at the lies told by your DH re the package. Not sure I could forgive.

Ellisandra Mon 21-Oct-19 15:20:26

The school thing is a non issue, stop worrying about it. Presumably they went back a year because they’re having to learn in a new language? Or is it because they start a year later? Either way, this experience will be so beneficial that it outweighs the missed schooling, which can be caught up anyway. There are loads of UK curriculum workbooks you can use at home, now or on your return, to catch up.

Sounds like your black hole is your property, assuming a level of rent without having tenants. Drop the price, get it let.

FloatingObject Mon 21-Oct-19 15:20:55

He lied to her about the financial package which is pretty bad tbh.

OP you can do English tutoring for local kids and make a tidy sum. You can do TEFL or tutoring online too in science of English. Airbnb one of the bedrooms in your house in southern Europe. Slash the rent on your UK house

Teachermaths Mon 21-Oct-19 15:21:40

Why isn't your house back home being rented out? Get that sorted ASAP. Even if you rent it for lower than you expect, that's some money.

Get a TEFL job.

Your dh is a dick for lying and long term I'd be planning on leaving unless he has other redeeming features.

Anothernotherone Mon 21-Oct-19 15:21:53

For normal human beings juggling learning a language from scratch to ability to work in a professional role with the international move for a family including 3 children, it will take at least 18 months to two years if enrolled in full time language courses to be ready to work. Less if you're going to work in an unskilled role requiring lower language ability obviously.

It's nothing like moving as a single 22 year old bilingual in other languages with a talent for MFL and no other responsibilities - which is usually the background people who scorn people for not picking up new languages in months have - when they don't have no international experience involving learning new languages from scratch at all.

LyraGroove Mon 21-Oct-19 15:22:51

Right now I feel like I cannot forgive him. He’s told a few lies during this whole process. I feel so negative towards him.

HuloBeraal Mon 21-Oct-19 15:23:07

So would it help to make a list of what you can do:
- rent the UK house.
- keep up with the English National Curriculum (I am assuming you were in the UK) so the kids don’t fall behind. They haven’t been there a year so would not be that far behind.
- figure out if there is freelance work you can do the meanwhile
- plan to relocate after a year. Even if it’s just you and the kids. And get whatever permission you need in place.

I have done a few expat moves. What strikes me as absurd and deceitful is that your husband lied to you about the package. When we have moved other than bits of furniture we have bought we paid for nothing- everything goes through the company. Is your husband a National of the country you have moved to? Why would you uproot your whole family for a lower paying job in a foreign country? I am trying to understand your husband’s logic.

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