What would you do?

[bookswapper]

My DS has told me about a little girl at his nursery who follows the other children around but they wont play with her. They wont play with her because she is "little" and they dont like her following them around.
(Bear in mind these children are 3 and 4.)

So I have asked him if he plays with this girl and he says no because she is not his friend.

This is the second time he has mentioned about this little girl following children and it breaks my heart to think of her having no-one to play with. And that, even at 3 and 4, kids can be unkind like this (although they dont understand their actions IYSWIM.)

I have asked my DS to play with this girl tomorrow (he won't remember though). Should I mention it to the staff?

[hester]

I would. I'm sure they know already, but I wouldn't rest easy until I'd done my (limited) bit to help.

[purepurple]

As a nursery worker I would see it as interfering, sorry.
I would be annoyed that you saw fit to make comments about something that you have no experience of, have not witnessed first hand and only have the word of a child to go on.

[heavenstobetsy]

blimey purepurple - I think I'd be very disappointed if my childs nursery worker thought my expression of interest in something my child had told me was interfering ...

[purepurple]

But it would come over as inferring the nursery staff hadn't noticed and it needed a child to tell his mum before anything was done about it.

And we are not allowed to discuss other children with parents anyway.

[seeker]

I am amazed that a nursery worker would be annoyed at this

I would say something like "I'm a bit concerned about something DS said last night - I'm worried that he's not being very nice to X. He says that he and his friends don't want to play with her. Could you possibly keep an eye on him today just to make sure he's not leaving her out?"

Can't see how anyone could object to that!

[PortAndLemon]

I think you could approach it the way seeker suggests i.e. focused on your child and his behaviour, but not "DS tells me that all the children are routinely ignoring X so that she has no one to play with" it would be unprofessional for the nursery workers to discuss child X with you.

Also, at this age DS has confidently asserted "I don't play with Z" or "no one plays with Z" when I've seen them playing together with my own eyes a few hours or days previously. So I'd try not to be too heartbroken on the basis of a few comments.

[KiwiKat]

I'm really disappointed to hear you say that, Purepurple - it shows a very defensive attitude and a certain insecurity in the way that you're performing your job. It doesn't give me any faith at all that concerns reported about my child, for example, would be addressed. I think this is incredibly unprofessional, very closed-minded, and as a parent, very worrying indeed. I've been impressed by the way the people who work at my child's nursery actively invite discussion and open communication, although they are all very discreet, and never talk about other children to us - and I certainly hope that you don't work there!

Bookswapper, I would mention that your son had told you this, but also mention that you were confident that they already knew about it and were monitoring it.

[purepurple]

I have no insecurities about how I do my job. What does make me defensive is the parents who think they can tell me how to do it.

[Jumente]

Wow, Purepurple, your attitude is really strange. Why would you take it that way? Perhaps the parent would be concenred that due to the staff being extremelt busy this might have been overlooked - or is nothing ever overlooked in your nursery?

[seeker]

purepurple - how would you react to my suggestion at 8.35?

[purepurple]

seeker, sounds like a resonable request to me and one that doesn't put the focus on the staff not noticing unhappy children, which is how the OP came across.
Some children do not play with others, for all sorts of reasons and I am sure the staff are aware of this. You can't really force children to play with each other, as much as you can try.
I am feeling very grumpy this morning, I spent all day in bed yesterday, being sick with a banging headache. This morning I still feel like death warmed up and have been up since 6.30.
Normal service will hopefully be resumed soon.

[Jumente]

Hope you feel better soon.

[purepurple]

Thank you very much
I feel a bit at the way this thread went

[ssd]

don't be

we are all a bit snappy when we feel crap, I know I certainly am!!

hope you feel better soon, is it the cold (or a hangover)

[purepurple]

no, it's a lovely present from work, S and D.
I am not ill very often, but when I am it is always at the weekend.
Why is that?

[ssd]

its sods law!

same as my ds's are up before 8 on the weekends but need dragged from bed during the week!

poor you, you must be feeling rotten, S and D is awful, hope you don't pass it onto your kids or you'll all be miserable!

[purepurple]

DD has gone on a sleepover with her hamster
DS is in solitary confinement (his choice, well he is 19 ) in his room

[ssd]

well at least you've got peace to throw up

[cookielove]

i feel i may get flamed, but i do agree with purepurle, we are not allowed to discuss other children with parents, and i would see it as interferring and i also think you can't always trust what your child says.

[weebob]

I was a nursery assistant for 14 months, my son was in the pre school group and I worked with the toddlers.

My son has growth hormone defficiency and at the age of 3 he was the same size as a 1 and a half year old. He spent 12 months of his time there lonely and the other children wouldn't play with him because he was small and called him a 'baby'.
It broke my heart watching him.
I did everything possible to stop it. For the past year he's gone to a different nursery and he's very very happy. The other children play with him, he has loads of friends and not one of them mention the fact that he's smaller than them.

The thing is, my son still rememebers all of it. And still mentions it all, saying "they all called me a baby at my old nursery and wouldn't play with me".

I'm actually shaking with anger when i write this. It doesn't matter if the nursery staff think you're interfering. The child is much more important than them and how they feel. If there isn't anything in it then you've done no harm. But what if it is happening? You could help the situation.

I would speak to the manager about it. Not the staff. The manager will know who the childs key worker is and can discuss with him or her.

Please, I beg you. Say something, just in case.

[cookielove]

i wouldn't assume the staff don't know that there is an issue, seeing as that they are they with the children each day, as much as we encourage group play and being kind to our peers e.t.c we cannnot force the children to play with each other, and any child that we see being left out or ignored is usually brought into a game with an adult, or one on one play e.t.c

[KiwiKat]

The child has more to lose if you ignore this, than if you assume that they know - it's no skin off your nose to mention in passing that your son has mentioned it, and leave it at that. I would place a child's welfare higher than that of a slightly miffed nursery worker.

[cookielove]

however weebob - i'm so glad your child is now happy at his new nursery, and it does sadden me to hear how some children behave towards those who are different.

Personally in my experience we have only really experienced selective mutism, and hip displacia, and the children have always been fully inclusive with everyone. ( is that worded correctly)

[bookswapper]

I will speak to the manager.

I am sure the staff know about it already but I would be surprised if they didn't have strategies in place to deal with exclusion of any kind. And it is unusual for my son to notice this kind of behaviour, never mind speak about it which is why it rings true.

I don't care if the staff view me as interfering - we are always encouraged to approach the manager with any concerns we have about the nursery. Although she is skilled at the "brush-off"

[weebob]

Just wondering what happened at the nursery Bookswapper