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How much feedback can I reasonably expect from dd's nursery at end of day

(13 Posts)
Bambinocino Fri 05-Jun-09 21:21:34

My dd (12 months) is settling in at nursery at the moment. I've been having trouble finding out whether she's been happy or not during the session (when I drop her off she seems happy to go to the carers and to be diverted by all the activity, but when she sees me at the end of the session she usually starts crying). The carers are pretty non-committal and usually just say she's been fine. Even if I press them by asking whether she cried, seemed to miss me or was happy and easily diverted, they don't give me specific answers. They'll just say "a bit" or something and keep coming back to saying she was fine. Today though the carer said she was "much better", which made me think that she had been upset in previous sessions. When I asked what she meant she said that dd just had to get used to the nursery staff. All this makes me wonder whether dd has been distressed during the day and the carers are concealing this from me in an attempt to reassure me.

How much personal and honest feedback is it reasonable to expect? It's important to me to have a true picture of how my dd feels during the day.

angel1976 Fri 05-Jun-09 21:57:00

Does the nursery fill in a diary of sorts? Even when DS was doing short settling in sessions, they just to give me one of the diary sheets to tell me how he is and what he has done, what he has drunk/eaten. They should be willing to share info with you TBH. DS used to get clingy and cried in the beginning and they would note it and tell me that he got lots of one-on-one that day and cuddles as he was upset. That's normal and they shouldn't hide that! I would have a chat with the manager if you are concerned...

spicemonster Fri 05-Jun-09 22:03:26

My nursery had diaries which they completed and usually talked me through at the end of the day or if I was in a hurry, I'd take it with me. They would record naps, nappy changes, food and what he'd done. I thought under EYFS, all nurseries had to do that?

LilMiss Fri 05-Jun-09 22:35:19

Ive worked in nurseries for years (17yrs on and off) and i was always honest with parents if their child had been unsettled or upset. (being a parent myself i'd want to know the truth)
perhaps try talking to his/her key worker each time you pick up to build up a good relationship (they will feel more comfortable
speaking to you about any issues or problems,) or suggest bringing in any comforters for your child to reassure you
and if yr not happy with the key worker you can ask if it can be changed to member of staff you feel more comfortable with
Hope thats some help to you

AbricotsSecs Fri 05-Jun-09 22:40:45

Message withdrawn

bosch Fri 05-Jun-09 22:51:57

Similar to the others, I would expect to find out about nappies, food and sleeps in a daily diary, also particular games/toys/activities.

Actual mood of your dd is going to be a bit harder to assess. Is she normally laid back/clingy/neurotic. They probably won't know for quite a while until she's really settled in and 'knows' the staff. Until then, she will have 'better' and 'worse' days' when she's not feeling out of sorts and her favourite person is there... or they didn't give her her favourite breakfast and she got a cuddle from a newish member of staff.

Not crying when you leave is great, especially at 12 months, I'm impressed, one of you is doing a great job, that's a top age for separation anxiety and tears at parting. Normal, usually over quickly, but sad for mum/dad.

Crying when you pick up is quite normal too, and for quite a long time as your dd will be tired at the end of the day and will realise when you appear that they've missed you - tears are the only way to express that. If you're lucky, you can jolly them along a bit with cuddles and tales of the day. But ime, all quite normal.

Anyway, fwiw, I think she's probably doing OK.

Bambinocino Sun 07-Jun-09 19:24:01

Have only just come back to MN and read all of your v helpful comments and suggestions - thank you. I do get a sheet at the end of the day setting out what dd has eaten and drunk, nappy changes & sleeps, which is helpful. It's just that I'm not getting much about whether she's been happy or not.

Lilmiss - with your experience of working in nurseries, if I did decide after trying for a bit longer to change key worker, do you think that would cause ill feeling or does it happen quite often? I'd hate to offend anyone but I think part of the problem is that dd's current key worker isn't a very good communicator...

HoochieMooMa - wow, a webcam, that would be amazing! You are v lucky. Though I'd probably look at it all day and get nothing done!

Bosch - thanks, that's a good point that they don't yet know dd's moods and temperament, I hadn't thought of that.

Littlefish Sun 07-Jun-09 19:40:28

How long is your dd in nursery? Sometimes, if children are in for a long day, they are not with their key worker all day. Where I used to work, the nursery was open from 8.00 - 6.00, but shifts were for between 4 - 8 hours. This means that the person handing your dd over to you at the end of the day may not have had very much to do with her during the day, depending on what time the worker started.

LilMiss Sun 07-Jun-09 20:48:22

changing key worker shouldnt cause any ill feeling if its handled properly. speak to the manager and hopefully she'll do it tactfully without making yr childs current key worker aware of the full reason behind the change. the new key worker will hopefully be informed about yr concerns and will make a point of making notes on how yr dd is settling. hopefully the new key worker will feel pleased youve asked especially for her which will also help you to form a good relationship between you the key worker anf yr child

LilMiss Sun 07-Jun-09 20:49:24

let me know how you get on

LaaDeDa Sun 07-Jun-09 21:01:41

If they are saying she's been fine then it probably means that nothing of much note has happened - maybe a few tears and a few cuddles needed but that's totally normal for most children through the day and didn't mean that she was unhappy - just that another child took a toy off her or she woke up a bit grumpy from her nap etc etc!
If there was any prolonged crying i'm sure they would tell you (or phone you if they really couldn't settle her).

I'm sure the being 'better' today probably does just mean settling in and allowing her personality to come through - not related to missing you or crying less or anything. Could have been moving around more, recognising staff, babbling more - things like that.

My dd always cried on collection at around that age. Makes you feel great when they see you and burst into tears! Didn't have any reflection on the kind of day she'd had at nursery though.

(I work in a nursery btw so speaking from staff pov as well as mum.)

amethyst123 Sat 13-Jun-09 10:50:11

Wow loving the webcam idea that would soooooooo put my mind at rest as i sometimes imagine dd sat crying for hours in a corner on her own (stupid i know) but shes just started and not coping very well,

As for the crying when picking her up she always does that but i'm told its because they suddenly get all emotional seeing you after your time apart my dd has always done it when her dad comes home from work he used to get upset by it but she stops as soon as we pick her up for a cuddle.

Bambinocino Wed 01-Jul-09 12:02:48

Just to report that dd seems to be more settled at nursery now and as I've got to know the nursery staff it's been easier to find out how she's been during the day. Also I don't feel I need as much info now as I'm more confident that she's got used to it and is more or less happy to be there. Thanks for all the tips & supportive comments, was much appreciated when I was feeling fragile about the whole arrangement!

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