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Anybody else find their child did not suit nursery ?

(17 Posts)
marinda Sat 19-Mar-05 21:43:40

My DS is neraly 4 and although he will happily go to a small playgroup[ and be left - he sudennly decided he would not go to nursery.He was at playgroup twice weekly which was mainly play but constructive and gentle with introduction to learning, and also attended nursery for 2 sessions. The nursery was quite structured and a little too structured in terms of routines and learning activities. He went there ok for about 3 months then suddenly started having a fit wheb left there to the extent I could not leave him alonr there. Only difference I could see (other than the staff being very young at the nursery and older mature and more kid friendly at the playgroup was the complexity of the activities. I wondered whether this was a fault of the nursery (I spoke to the staff and they had no idea why he behaved as he did or whether he was not yet reaqdy for such structure) He is still quite a little by, very affectionate and insecure in an environment where he does not know people well. Anyone else found this will the nursery v playgroup idea ? Or anyone else with a similar experience ?

marinda Sat 19-Mar-05 21:55:55

Bump Anyone ???????

marinda Sat 19-Mar-05 22:04:42

1 more go

flamesparrow Sat 19-Mar-05 22:07:09

I can't help, but thought I'd bump for you too - someone MUST have been through the same on here somewhere!!!

ionesmum Sat 19-Mar-05 22:08:12

No experience of this myself, but could it be that the nursery have a high turnover of staff? Or maybe the child/adult ratio didn't suit ds? Or could a child have started at nursery who was agressive? Or maybe a bad experience with a member of staff?

marinda Sat 19-Mar-05 22:12:26

Yes Ionesmum - I thought it might be a staff thing but they said not. Strange !! Anyone else ????

marinda Sat 19-Mar-05 22:31:41

bump again

psychomum5 Sat 19-Mar-05 22:39:33

I don't know if I can help at all, but my daughter had a similar-ish problem with settling into nursery and school....

My DD2 was to be atending the nursery that her elder sister was still at. Unfortunately, due to, I guess, a different personality, she hated the nursery DD1 was going to with a passion, to the extent that by the fifth time of trying in the same week she refused to even get in the car, let alone go there!!!

We took the hint and tried somewhere different (hard work as it then meant going to two different places!)

She still found it hard to settle tho, so when DD1 started in reception and a place became available at the attached pre-school, we put her there. Success at last, she loved it and settled down.

It was not to last tho. As much as she loved the pre-school, so she hated the school itself. What I mean by that is, she settled well in pre-school, and seemed to be looking forward to starting 'big school', so we thought it was just a personality clash with the other nurserys. Problem was that when she started in reception, she hated it so much that for the entire year she was there I literally had to drag her in. I didn't even have the option of trying different schools...it's not possible when it is school as opposed to nursery etc.
It all culminated in her last term when even her teacher had had so much that she herself dragged my screaming little girl over the step into the class. I ended up in the headmasters office sobbing along with my daughter.
We had to deal with it by me actually going in each day for 15mins to settle her into the class, and then we finally realised the problem.

She just couldn't face going in amongst so many other kiddies. She wanted to be either among a few, or to be there first, so that she then settled before others arrived and the noise got louder. We only figured that because I would arrive early so that DD got settled before other kiddies arrived and saw me there. I had to be gone before school started so that the other kiddies didn't started requesting their mummies.

I don't know if that helps your situation at all, you seemed to want to know if other have had a similar problem and mine seemed close-ish. What it sounds like could be the problem is possibly the amount of other kiddies and the noise level at the nursery as opposed to play school. In my case, DD2 is much much more sensitive than DD1 and so more sensitive to change, noise, etc. DD1 tends to take things much more in her stride. They are still the same now, and they are now 11(next week) and 9.
Just to say, by the time DD2 went into year one at school, she was fine going in as long as she was holding the teachers hand, and so feeling secure....and now she loves school!!

marinda Sat 19-Mar-05 22:45:10

Thanks nice to hear such an encouraging reply. DS HAS mentioned noise so i is funny you mention that - it is just so stressful when they won't go !!!

rogan2001 Sat 19-Mar-05 22:53:12

Hi,my ds 3.3 yrs, goes to nursery 5 afternoons a week, he is not overly keen on the routine of it they have to do circle time the first and last 15 minutes of it and he refuses to do that so i take him late and pick him up early, and as i am in the nursery i often think how strict they can be with them, especially at circle time, they are not allowed to move or interupt the teacher and i found it very strict for children so young, my little boy is very sensitive so i think if one of the staff told him to sit still and not interupt he would be very upset, i know they are getting them ready for the structure of school but i think it could be more relaxed. i do'nt know if they are the same in your son's nursery, but that possibly could be the case. I will carry on letting my son miss circle time because after seeing how strict they are i don't want my ds to join in with it. the rest of the session is mainly child led play with a small group time which is not so strict.

psychomum5 Sat 19-Mar-05 22:54:07

I remember the stress well, and I hated it. It felt as tho I would never get her settled at that she would end up being one of those kiddies with a school phobia.
Luckily for her I think we had a fairly understanding head who realised that we had to just go with how Holly was feeling, and be patient...that if we followed her lead she would slowly become confident. He did give a fab piece of advice actually.....let her do it in her time. Push her in and she push harder back, causing a big dent in herself!!

I laughed than, but it seems funnily true...she isn't dented, she loves school now. I wonder how she would have ended up if we had continued the way I was going with her??!!

I have three other kiddies younger than her, two of whom are now in school and loving it, bit the youngest, DS2, is uncannily like her at that age and I already sense that he may follow her path. Luckily for him tho, I don'y work now so have no need to get him into a nursery just yet. I am going to wait till he starts pre-school in september, and go with the flow.
Watch this space......!!

lailag Sat 19-Mar-05 22:56:00

O, this is like my ds, went to nursery from 5 months old but never really enjoyed it much. When 2.5 months old only went part time nursery and started playgroup part time. Loved playgroup, hated nursery. Stopped taking him to nursey. Never found out why ("other boys fighting, people shouting"??). I suspect the too structured approach didn't suit ds.

ionesmum Sat 19-Mar-05 23:30:16

Thinking about it a friend of mine's dd is thriving since she left nursery for pre-school. Maybe it just suits some little ones more?

MaryP0p1 Sun 20-Mar-05 08:44:52

I work in nurseries and we often have children who don't want to come or have reasons for not liking nursery. There are so many reason why it might be.

We have 1 boy who really really cries every time he came but had his gromets fitted and it did the trick. We have 2 anothers who don't want to come but they are unused to being with lots of other children. 1 of these boys are also very used to being entertained every minute of every day in the way he wants to be entertained and find the pack environment a struggle. Some do find the structure a problem and the requirement to conform to the group difficult (my dd was one of these) but slowly slowly you indentify what is difficult and help them learn how to deal with it themselves and move on from that stage. We have few that are crying after a few weeks and even fewer who continue after that time.

My message would be is you know your child best and go with your instict. Its usually right. Also keep talking to the staff and maybe after a while the reasons will show itself and you can find a solution.

Children who find the noise level difficult I often ask them to come a bit earlier so they can get used to the environment before the noise starts.

Finally, my son has been in childcare away from me 2 days a week since he was 6 months and he still cries whenever I leave. 2 minutes later he has forgetten me entirely. Its only to make me feel bad and maybe allow him in the big room. Come to think of it my dd (who is 7) is not adverse to resorting to crying to get out of school. I KNOW they are happy when they away from me and enjoy the stimulation of the environment I have chosen for them.

Good luck and don't worry about worrying, its your job.

marinda Sun 20-Mar-05 20:36:24

Thanks ladies for all your help with this - nice to know I am not the only one !!!!

aloha Sun 20-Mar-05 20:43:23

It might not be nursery per se that he doesn't like, but his particular nursery. They aren't all the same. Blu's ds (another mumsnetters) recently had an awful time with his first nursery - was very upset. Blu went in to stay with him, discovered things she didn't like about the nursery and transferred him to a different one - which he loves and is perfectly happy with.

Blu Tue 22-Mar-05 14:57:49

Here I am!
yes, DS is of a nature that you would expect him to cope with almost anything - but was v clearly upset by being left at nursery. Not just the parting, but all day, and for several weeks. Now I have moved him, and although I expected him to 'act up' a bit, having realised that showing unhappiness had got him removed from the first nursery, he has taken to the new place like a second home and willingly scampers up the path. The first one was too noisy, too many kids behaving badly in order to get the attention they needed, too many staff changes, staff not kind and cuddly enough. he did actually enjoy some things about it, but he just didn't feel secure. Maybe stay and observe a few sessions?

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