Settling in - when to 'disappear'?

[Dragthing]

Have just started to settle dd (11 months) into nursery. She is v clingy so I have made sure I have several weeks before I have to leave her there. Today is day 2 of settling in and one of the staff has suggested I try to disappear for a bit tomorrow. My instinct is 'no no no' because I want her to get really used to the place and staff before I disappear. My worry is that if disappear too soon she will start watching me like a hawk rather than enjoying herself and settling in. However don't want to contradict the staff (and of course they may know better!).

Any advice?

[ruddynorah]

i wouldn't disapear. i'd make sure i tell dd i'm going and i'll be back soon. say you're just going to the loo or to the shop or something. return quite quickly the first few times. then build it up to an hour, then two.

she will cry.

she will get over it. and so will you.

[thisisyesterday]

I don't agree with the "disappearing" thing tbh. I don't think it's very nice for a child to think a parent is there, only to turn around and find they're gone and they have no idea where you are.
better to wait until she is more settled and then just try sitting across the room and letting her play.
then perhaps leaving the room and coming back in really soon and gradually make that time longer and longer so that she realises that when you go you come back.

[BroccoliSpears]

By "disappear" do you mean sneak off while she's distracted? I've always thought that this must make a child more anxious than ever. I have always told dd when I'm leaving, and that I'll be back; never made a big song and dance about it, just a cheerful, low-key "mummy's going now darling, and you're going to stay and play with these lovely toys and then mummy will be back and we'll go home to see [the dog]. Bye bye."

But I do concede that I never had to settle an 11 mth old into nursery. That must be hard. My sympathies, and good luck.

[BroccoliSpears]

Sorry - typing one-handed and was too slow, repeated what everyone else said.

[onepieceoflollipop]

I am about to start settling my 9month old into nursery tomorrow. Like you have given us a bit of breathing space - not physically back at work until mid June.

I had to do the same with my dd1 and tbh it wasn't as bad as I had feared

I think your own demeanour helps a lot, I have to work as many of us do, so tried to be positive that "this is the way it has to be". I always said a breezy "bye bye" and gave a big kiss and cuddle before handing over. I was lucky and dd1 settled quickly, hoping for a repeat with dd2.

I spent an hour with her there last week, just plonked her down, she could see me but was busy playing! Tomorrow I leave her for just over an hour, then on Wednesday she stays all morning.

The staff are used to settling in babies (and their mums) so I would follow their guidance. If you stay too many times (imo) she may come to expect that. Have you left her anywhere before - with a relative for example?

If so she may adjust to nursery without too much anxiety. Hope all goes well.

[FeelingEvil]

Go with your instincts and at your own pace, DragThing. Everyone is different and though the nursery staff may be on hand to guide you, they certainly shouldn't dictate what you and your dd should do.
Like you, I settled my dd at 11 months. And like you, I wanted dd to be used to the place and the faces before I left. The first week was terrible because I felt under so much pressure to leave her for a fixed amount of time and let her cry. The second week, I insisted on doing things at our own pace, even if dd took longer than the average baby to settle.
It worked! DD settled the second week without crying and she seems to really enjoy nursery now.

[Kif]

trust your instincts -

nursery staff - while they may be lovely aren't necessarily mothers and child psychologists rolled into one. IME they often encourage you to leave because it lets you know they feel in control - and is a wee bit easier for them compared with having you hanging around.

I'd start with going to the toilet / going to the office - hyper short. I'd also work out a form of words (even a little ritual) to let your dd know you're off. It's good if you can figure out a way to make her feel more of a participant in the leaving. My ideas include getting her to walk into the room first, giving her a special comforter toy when you leave, singling out a special carer to give her to so she's in someone's arms when you leave, doing an specific activity (eg three bounces on the trampoline) before you leave.

FWIW - i think time hanging out at nursery at the beginning is well spent. Your Dd will interpret it as a vote of confidence in the nursery being a nice place to be'. For example, my Dd was often left with het GPs - but she also often saw us hanging out with GPs having a cup of tea and a chat. It'll also give you a bit of an insight in how they do things - including the personalities of different staff. This may be useful info further down the line in interpreting/resolving any issues that come up.