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Handhold and advice :-(

(14 Posts)
Badgergirl123 Thu 30-Jan-20 13:08:04

DD is 13 months and has been in nursery two days a week for the past fortnight. We had six settling sessions prior to this. She's had a couple of good(ish) days but this week has been miserable. Nursery phoned to say she has been crying on and off since drop off (about three hours) and wouldn't engage in any of the play offered. She's needing to be held constantly which obviously isn't sustainable in this kind of setting. Nursery agreed to monitor for next hour and during this time she settled and was very happy apparently. I know it hasn't been long but I just can't shake the feeling that she isn't going to settle properly. I've also noticed since she started she is super clingy when we go to our groups. She used to love them and would be off exploring with the odd return to me but now she sticks like glue clearly thinking I'm going to leave. It's breaking my heart to see my happy, confident wee girl change like this. Can anyone offer any reassurance or share their experience? Is there anything we can do to help? I don't want to think about changing providers just yet.

OP’s posts: |
ItIsAllChange Thu 30-Jan-20 13:09:29

I’d give her longer to settle in and I also would expect her to come down with a variety of bugs and viruses in a short space of time because she is interacting with new children so don’t rule out the clinginess being because she feels unwell rather than not settling.

OnlyFoolsnMothers Thu 30-Jan-20 13:16:38

1 - are you happy with the nursery setting and staff? Did you view others
2- Honestly some kids just take longer to settle, my friend's son took a fair while and she was called a few times to go and collect him when he wouldn't calm down. He definitely loves it now and is thriving.

Try not to let your LO pick up on your worry or hesitation, kids are very perceptive. Keep positive and talking up "big girl" nursery etc.

Orangedaisy Thu 30-Jan-20 13:20:56

Mine started at 16 months at 2 days a week too and took 3 months to settle properly. I would have moved her but couldn’t, we did get there eventually. What helped was good interaction with the staff and management so I knew exactly what was happening and how they were helping her. I didn’t do this until maybe 6 weeks in and should have done it earlier. Good luck.

Clangus00 Thu 30-Jan-20 13:26:40

We have kids who still have a cry at drop off and total hysterics at home time who’ve been in our care for 4 years!
I would give it a bit more time.

moobar Thu 30-Jan-20 13:40:48

Hand hold from me op.

Dd started same age, same problem here. We did four weeks settling, then realised we would have to change to half days. She now does three half days, and is sick at least half of them.

She's now fifteen months and is still not ready for full days. For her it's linked to sleep, she will not sleep there. I'm hoping by spring we can try again.

For us the illness has been unreal though.

mummyh2016 Thu 30-Jan-20 17:40:40

My DD started at 15 months one day a week and it took probably a month to stop the tears then another couple of months to stop the breakdown at drop off. Even now, she's been there 18 months and she still has a whinge at drop off and she goes twice a week now.

Badgergirl123 Thu 30-Jan-20 19:40:50

Thanks for the replies. She had a good afternoon to my relief and was playing happily when we picked her up. They have to use her dummy a lot which we don't really do at home but one battle at a time I guess! Even though it's a smallish nursery it's obviously much louder than home and I don't think that's helping. We'll just have to plough on and hope in a few months things are settled.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers We live in a city and visited all the nurseries handy for us between home and work and this felt by far the best fit. The childminder route just didn't appeal to us. You are right that we need to stay positive about it, I can't deny that it's causing me a lot of anxiety but I'm doing my best in front of her!

@moobar sorry to hear you're having issues too. I'm amazed that they get DD to sleep due to the noise, she usually takes about 3 hours of naps at home but is getting by on just over an hour at nursery. She's exhausted and grumpy by the time we're home.

OP’s posts: |
Fandabydosey Sun 02-Feb-20 20:25:17

She is still only little her whole entire life it has been you I am guessing. So 100% of her life she has been with you. To expect her to settle in a few weeks is a little harsh. Children need time to settle.

Badgergirl123 Sun 02-Feb-20 22:18:39

@Fandabydosey I wasn't expecting her to settle in a few weeks. I find it heartbreaking to think of her upset and was looking for a little reassurance that she would eventually settle or for any tips on things that may help.

OP’s posts: |
DecemberSnow Sun 02-Feb-20 22:25:24

13 months is a really difficult age to start nursery, Separation anxiety is at its highest right now.

She will hopefully get there....

Could you put her in for an extra day or two? Get her use to it quicker

Badgergirl123 Sun 02-Feb-20 22:33:54

I know @DecemberSnow, it does seem a shame that mat leave usually finishes at the same time peak separation anxiety hits!

I thought more time in nursery might help, I'd miss our days home together but if it'll help I'm all for it. We'll see how she gets on this week and speak to the nursery to see if this would be a possibility.

OP’s posts: |
NanooCov Sun 02-Feb-20 22:51:46

DS1 started nursery 4 days a week at 13 months and settled without any issues at all. No illness at all for 3 months, then just usual sniffles and colds. DS2 started at 12 months 3 days a week and took ages to settle. Sobbed every time he was dropped off and then sobbed all the way home (he just wanted to be hugged on being "reunited" but obviously not practical until we actually got home). He also had a lot more illness than DS1.
I've no idea why they were so different, but it just goes to show every child is different.
I'd give it more time. But go with your gut instinct and do consider the childminder route - we switched to one when DS1 started school last September and DS2 is thriving there.
One thing that stands out though is you mentioned it's too noisy to sleep - that I find odd. Our nursery was a large one but on the odd occasion I was there at nap time (generally after lunch) it was always really calm and quiet. The pre school room was the furthest away from the baby room which helped, but generally they would do relatively quiet activities with the older kids post lunch while the kids in baby and toddler rooms were napping. My kids both regularly had much longer naps at nursery than they ever had at home. It was like some kind of witchcraft!

whiteroseredrose Sun 02-Feb-20 23:27:38

You're not going to like this but my DD never did settle. Her older brother loved nursery but DD hated it. She sobbed when dropped off and was often still sobbing when I secretly peeped through the window 20 minutes later. When it was time to pick her up she couldn't get out of there fast enough.

We stuck it out for about 6 months and then threw in the towel and I became a SAHM - which also meant I could help with my DGM.

All DD's confidence came back and for us it was the right decision.

More recently I've been asked why we didn't switch nursery or try a childminder. At the time all I could think about was my little girl and wanting to be with her, but really that is what I should have tried! Could you investigate childminders just in case?

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