Male worker in nursery

[Needadviceplz]

I'm prepared to be flamed for this but here goes..

There's a worker in my childs nursery who makes me uncomfortable and I'm not alone in feeling this as know others who think he is very unusual and creepy. Don't want to give details as will be outing.

I'm a survivor of abuse and I know this is partly to blame if not entirely for my feelings although I've seen other male workers there that I don't make me feel comfortable.

My child has changed rooms recently so when I went to pick her up she was alone in a room with just him and it just triggered something inside me and I couldn't stop crying when I got home as I also think he done her nappy too and realised I really wasn't okay with this.

I know this is my issue but I really can't help how I feel he gives me the creeps and I have this horrible gut feeling about him but I don't know what to do as I know its 2020 and people shouldn't have to deal with discrimination in the work place and that he would of had all the checks done but that didn't protect me when I was younger so that doesn't reassure me.

I'm looking for advice from nursery workers or anyone else that's been in this situation.
I feel like I'll just have to take her out as it really was an intense reaction on my part and not something I know how to resolve right now.

[Needadviceplz]

That don't make me feel Uncomfortable*

[sameasiteverwasantiques]

YABU. There are two males at my daughters nursery and I have no issue with them being around her.

[Michelleoftheresistance]

It sounds like it isn't that he's male that's the problem: you'd feel the same way if it was a nursery worker of either sex that gave you the creeps and you didn't trust. May be time for a new nursery with staff you feel more confidence in.

[Needadviceplz]

I don't have issues with other male staff it's just one of them to clarify this isn't me thinking men shouldn't work in nursery.

[BaggaChips]

If you are not happy with leaving your child in this man's care then you'll have to remove her from the nursery and find alternative provision.

It's not like you can make a complaint or insist that he doesn't care for your child as there's no evidence that he's ever done anything wrong.

[Needadviceplz]

Yeah I think you're right. Real shame as other than that it's been perfect place but not sure I can shake these feelings and can't really bring it up or want to hurt the persons feelings if this is all just in my head.

[Tarttlet]

I don't have any experience re: the nursery, but I do want to say that it sounds like you might benefit from some specialist support regarding your experiences. Have you had support for your experiences of abuse?

It's quite normal for survivors to find having a small child quite triggering, especially if the child is encountering situations that are potentially risky or are similar to situations in which the survivor was abused, so it might be a good idea to look into what's available where you are You can have a look at available services here - www.thesurvivorstrust.org/find-support

[coffeeforone]

I think the fact that he is male is irrelevant. If a nursery worker gives you the creeps then that's a massive issue.

[theconstantinoplegardener]

I think most nurseries now have a policy of nappies being changed (by workers of either sex) out in the open, in full view of other members of staff, visiting parents etc. So it would be risky and difficult for this man (or anyone else) to do anything to your daughter. Was the door to the room open, OP? And was it glass-panelled, so people could see in even when shut? I understand your feelings but I hope that thinking about the lack of opportunity for this man to do anything horrible will reassure you a little.

[Mmmmdanone]

There used to be a male worker at my dd's nursery and he kind of creeped me out a bit. He was very quiet and wouldn't look you on the eye. But the kids adored him. I met him recently and he's a lovely bloke- he was just very young and unsure I think when I first met him. He's amazing with the children and I no longer have any doubts about him.

[Expressedways]

I’m sorry for what you went through.
Was the nursery not breaking any ratio rules by having only 1 staff member in a room? Partly this is what reassures me about nursery- that everything is out in the open and there is always more than 1 staff member. If you think that they were violating ratio rules then do complain. But ultimately, if you’re not happy with him caring for your daughter then you’ll need to find an alternative plan for childcare, maybe a (female) nanny.

[rottiemum88]

If this is all just in my head.

Just to clarify - at this point in time, given that you have absolutely no evidence besides your own "gut" feeling, there's no if about it - it very much is in your head

[Fivefourthree]

I'm am sorry it triggered you so badly I think you are right that you can't say anything to nursery, but with a similar past myself, I can understand why you were upset.
If it were me, I'd take my child out too.

[PanamaPattie]

Your spidey senses are telling you something. I would remove your DD and find another nursery.

[Mysterian]

She shouldn't have been alone with him in a room where nobody could see. Where I work I would sometimes get left alone, but with windows down 2 sides of the room and other staff next door through internal double doors which were left open. The key thing is whether they can easily be seen or not.

...people shouldn't have to deal with discrimination in the work place... and I don't have issues with other male staff it's just one of them... So you're not discriminating on grounds of sex, but maybe is has a bit to do with it.

Can you try to get to know him better?

[hm246]

Every nursery I ever worked in an adult (male or female) would never Be allowed to be alone in a room with just a child. I would definitely question management over this and what the policy is.

[VimFuego101]

Was he really on his own with her? That sounds like very poor practice on the part of the nursery.

[june2007]

You haven,t given a reason to not trust this man, but do say it,s not juyst because he,s a man. But without a reason it seams silly to move your child. But maybe worth being extra vigilent your instincts might be right but you haven,t go much to go so far.

[Mysterian]

Certainly not good practice to have a staff member on their own with a child, and he should be avoiding it so this kind of situation doesn't crop up.

[Fandabydosey]

I think you should ask the nursery why he was lone working. This is a basic safeguarding rule male or female. Not just from a potential abuse situation but for safety, what if he had slipped and banged his head, or you child had a serious injury. Lone working is not something that would sit well with me. In my setting we are Always in sight or hearing of each other

[Removethemess]

Dh and I have had similar gut feelings over the years concerning people dealing with our dc and quite frankly they can’t all all accurate ‘spidey senses’ or whatever you like to call them.

So we have to face that they may be irrational fears and deal with that.

This means we choose nurseries where nappy change areas were visible and central. The last one was very open plan which was a great design.

It also meant that we try to drop dc off as late as possible and pick up as early as possible. So we have arranged for dh to drop off and I pick up.

We also try and keep good communication happening with everyone. I think that people who are happy with their workplace are more likely to follow correct protocol.

[Coughy4u]

Take your DD somewhere else. There was a massive story about a woman nursery worker abusing children in the uk years ago. Either sexes can be abusive.
My gut feeling was a factor when i chose the nursery.

[june2007]

Also how long were they in the room together, were there windows, were others aware. I sometimes am in a room on my own, but others will know this and the room is full of windows so anystaff can see in. And I can always call on someone if needed.

[SoulStarS]

I would have questioned immediately why DD was left alone in a room with one adult. Regardless of their sex. It’s a safeguarding issue.

[jannier]

@Expressedways...
The ratio applies to the whole building including the office. I've been in many nurseries where staff have bee left with one adult to several children. And ones where staff are instructed to be slow answering doors to allow time for staff to return to rooms.