This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Son is very upset at nursery. Please advise.(16 Posts)
I don't know where to start. My son is 3.3 y.o.
Since the very beginning, he was very attached to me and his dad.
He is still sleeping in his bed in our bedroom as he is very upset otherwise (it is a long story).
He has some problem with his speech, it is very unclear, we've been to a speech therapist, but they told us that probably we need to wait. I can see a progress in his speech, but the clarity of it remains quite bad. He builds short sentences now, but instead of animal names he uses animal sounds, for example, and the majority of his words are the parts of words. He uses a mix of English and the language we speak at home.
We just finished toilet training and do not use nappies any more, however, he needs assistance with taking off his clothing and putting it back on.
I must also say that he is an incredibly active child. He counts objects (knows numbers till 12 and can count objects, know which is less, recently showed an interest to start with letters)
We also are able to leave him for a half a day with his grandparents. He absolutely loves them, but if we are not present at home after 5 hours he starts to sob and cry where are mummy and daddy.
This summer he showed increased interest in other kids, and I was very happy. I thought that we will start our nursery.
We have a place for three hours a day.
The nursery is quite good. It's very crowded, around 40 kids there, but it's the best nursery in our area we have been to. Staff is very friendly too.
We have been to one stay and play session in June. he absolutely loved nursery.
On the 5th of September, he attended it for the first time. I left him and heard a scream " where is mummy"? But the staff told me that they will call me if something will be wrong.
When I came to collect him he was sitting in front of the tv (i haven't noticed they had a tv before that) he saw me and started crying heavily).
Staff told me he was "teary, but ok".
The second day they had to pull him off me, he was crying heavily. When we came to collect him we've been told that he was crying and then settled for a while and then cried again.
But the third day was hard. It was ok at home, but he started crying halfway, tried to run back home. I had to take him there in my lap. When he saw the entrance he had hysterical cry, he looked scared and I couldn't leave him. Back at home he lied on the floor and cried. I have never seen him like this. I couldn't distract him. Checked his temperature and it was 38! He was ok before, no runny nose or any other symptoms. He had higher temperature till bedtime.
Today his temperature is 36.6 but he was very anxious getting dressed and repeats he won't go to lady (nursery) despite I told him we are not going anywhere.
I'm so upset it's like this. I need those 3 hours.. he also has multiple food allergies and atopic eczema (although it's better now first years were really hard).
But it just feels so wrong! I'm terrified of his reaction. I don't know what to do. I have told our dad to try to go to nursery with him (my DH will
have different shift next week)
I'm working from home part time.
Another huge question is what to do with the reception next year wether postpone the school altogether for a year or start the reception without nursery...
I don't know what to do.
I have no one to talk to with knowledge of the process in England, education system is complimently different where my family lives.
I really need some thoughts..
Should we seek the advice of the psychologist?
I'm so upset..
It is completely normal for children to cry when they start nursery. It is a huge change, especially if they are not used to being left. I would persevere with it for a little while go give him chance to settle in. Could you do some shorter sessions for a little bit - an hour or so at a time until he gets used to being left and gets to know the staff and other children? Where I work, we will do lots of short visits until the child is comfortable being left. I know you said he was ill, but I would try to avoid taking him home straight away if he cries, otherwise he will just do that every time. Transitions are difficult for lots of children, definitely no need for a psychologist.
He may be finding it even harder than most if he has difficulties with speech. What are they doing to help him with that at nursery? Does he have extra help / a 1 to 1?
My son has autism and learning disabilities and when he was at nursery at this age he had a full time 1 to 1 support worker. I don’t know if this would be appropriate for your son but they should be able to apply for funding to ensure proper support (using pecs picture cards for example). He may feel he isn’t understood at nursery (whereas you understand him) and this is upsetting him as well as general separation anxiety (which is very normal).
As for school etc I would start an ehcp application now if you’re already worrying about how he is going to cope. If you google “ipsea ehcp” the ipsea website will come up which will explain everything. You can apply to your council for an ehcp assessment. This can take a long time (supposed to be 20 weeks but ours took a year so start now) and it meant our son had the correct support at school.
If you have concerns about your sons development speak to your gp and they can refer for speech therapy and other assessments etc.
Does he have to go?
I tried my son at 3 with nursery. He hated it, they told me to persevere but I didn't want to put him through it.
He started school at 5 and was happy as Larry.
At 3 he just wasn't ready.
So I didn't send any of mine to nursery. They all went straight into reception but I took them to Stay and play during the week at 3-5yrs so they could socialise.
Don’t even think about school yet. He will change so much in the next year and you can make a desicion next summer.
Regarding the nursery, you sound very panicky. It’s only been 3 days and your DSs reaction isn’t that unusual. Many children cry when they first go to nursery. One of mine cried every time I dropped her off for about 2 years! But she was fine after 2 minutes. I would give it a few weeks to see how he settles and keep speaking to the nursery staff for reassurance.
Thank you so much for your replies girls..
It's easier when you have someone to talk to!
Have you thought of W childminder? It would be a smaller group and closer to your homely environment.
If you are concerned about his speech could you speak more English at home to be able to communicate his needs
40 in a class does sound very daunting. Mine has about 12! But 15 or so left before the holidays to go to school, I can already see a difference he seems to be getting a lot more attention now. Mine would cry the 5 times I left him. The last one I thought no more I just can't do it and then he stopped crying and played. Loves it now.
Several speech therapist (in UK) asked us not to speak English to him for his faster progress. They told us to leave English to nursery/school.. he knows a lot of word (all nouns he uses in is English, but the problem is that even grandparents who speak same languages do not understand him well) I definitely want to come back to them as the progress is quite slow (to my mind) despite lots of efforts from our side.
I'm thinking about childminder now yes, but I don't have any recommendations and a bit scared about this kind of setting. I will talk to nursery staff today about miserable weekend we had now. He repeats he "won't go to lady and kids" every hour since Friday. Maybe we can start with 1 hour and then gradually increase this time as suggested.
My daughter is exactly the same. She has been going to nursery for the last 2 weeks and absolutely hate it. Me and my husband have decided to take her out of the nursery and maybe see if she’s ready next year.
I work in a nursery, it is pretty normal for children to get upset, however you need to
Have trust in the nursery, if a child was very upset we would call and ask to collect early especially in the first few days. I would say 2 weeks is a good starting point, it takes children a while to settle into a new surrounding, I often find day 2/3 are the worst as the children realise what is happening. We still also sometimes have children that have been with us for months cry and drop off on occasion, however once parents leave they are absolutely fine! It's very difficult, my daughter was the same and often I left in tears as they prized her off of me!
If your child is still struggling I would perhaps
Look at a smaller nursery, we are a big nursery also, 30 children in a big class and for some quieter ones they are a bit overwhelmed (we normally then recommend an afternoon session which is 10-15 children) and they get more confident!
I think try for a little while longer and see if he can adapt to the change and be ok. My dd took 6 weeks of crying everyday the moment we would see the nurery gates. But once i left she'd be ok and at pick up again she'd cry again..
This sounds very hard for you both.
Are you sure it’s a good nursery? 40 and the tv are not something I’ve come across. If you are sure then give it a little longer. It’s good for you to have a break and many kids cry for weeks and months. X
So my 18 months old toddler was very upset after pick up from nursery today. She loves nursery. Always excited in the morning at drop off and happy but tired at pick up. This is the first time I have collected my little one in tears. We got home and it was clear that she was exhausted. I put her down for a short nap. After she was still crying and unable to settle. Throughout dinner she was crying and during bath time she was crying. I contacted the nursery and they said my little one was fine all day. She simply didn't sleep enough. From her behaviour I do not think it is simply my little one being overtired. Her crying is far more excessive and she simply was not settling. Shall I push the nursery for answers or do I simply allow it? Something has got her upset.
@Fabiagracefawndorn could you perhaps go with him, stay for an hour and then go back hime together a few times? Not sure they'd let you.
Our LO starts in September but he will be 11months then. I am very apprehensive of this as I absolutely have to go back to work.
Hope it works out for you.
How is his speech in his primary/home language? It can take children a little longer if they are being raised bilingual but in the long term it is beneficial.
It’s normal for them to cry while settling and may take a couple weeks. If it isn’t getting easier after a week or two then it would be worth chatting to the staff. Let them know what interests and toys he likes at home as a way of encouraging him in to play and let him keep any comforters. Some children find it harder than others and many will cry at drop off and pick up as their emotions are higher at these points. Ask them how he is during the main part of the session.
Please login first.