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To sneak or not to sneak.....?

(16 Posts)
WinkyisbackontheButterBeer Fri 16-Feb-18 18:53:40

Dd has her first independent settling day at nursery yesterday and starts properly next Wednesday.
Yesterday she toddled into the room quite happily (we have been twice before for sessions that I have stayed for) and was greeted by her key worker.
While she had her back turned I asked if I should just leave and was told to do so if I was happy to, which I did.
Once I left though, I started to wonder. Should I have done a proper goodbye rather than sneaking off?

I only ask because I remember some attachment theory training that said that children need to know that we leave but that we will come back. Am I other thinking this?

WinkyisbackontheButterBeer Fri 16-Feb-18 18:54:32

Meant to ask. What did you do? What is the best way?

nuttyknitter Fri 16-Feb-18 18:57:10

I do think it's generally better to say goodbye. Though if she knew you were going to go, that's probably ok. I think the worry is that if you just disappear she may worry about you just disappearing in other contexts too.

bluechameleon Fri 16-Feb-18 18:57:30

I don't think you should worry about doing any lasting emotional damage! I have also read that and it does make sense to me so I do always say goodbye.

PseuDenim Fri 16-Feb-18 18:59:12

I said a firm loving goodbye, promised him I would be back to collect him, and then walked out and resisted the temptation to hover and look through the windows. It was hard as he howled when I left the first few times but I think it is much more effective that way. Plaster off and all that.

But I do think you need to tell them you’re going but will be back to collect them and all that.

It’s hard I know but most children end up adoring nursery- DS has been there full time now for over two years and is happy as Larry!

Bubblysqueak Fri 16-Feb-18 19:00:50

We always advise parents to say goodbye, it stops the child looking for you as they know you are not there.

Plumsofwrath Fri 16-Feb-18 19:01:14

You need to make her feel safe and secure in her new surroundings.

A cheerful hug, “have fun with Ms X [whoever], see you at pick up” and then leave, will be fine. The staff are trained to deal with toddlers missing their parents (generally only requires distraction). Pick up should be no great show of having missed her, just a normal “hello love, have you had a good day, let’s go home!”.

It’ll be fine. Promise smile

WinkyisbackontheButterBeer Fri 16-Feb-18 19:02:07

She’s 16m so doesn’t really understand that I am going to go. I’m sure that I was much more bothered than her.
The two hours couldn’t have gone fast enough for me!

statetrooperstacey Fri 16-Feb-18 19:02:19

It's done now and I really wouldn't worry but next time say goodbye.
Say it quickly give her a kiss and walk out fast. Be breezy😁 Don't look back!

Bixx Fri 16-Feb-18 19:04:04

I was always advised to say goodbye. So a hug, a quick goodbye and reassure them you’ll be back. I thought this was well known good practice TBH. A setting that advises parents to sneak out would make me think twice about them, honestly.

user1499786242 Fri 16-Feb-18 19:05:26

First day of nursery I thought I should just slip off whilst he wasn't looking but the nursery staff explained it's best to say goodbye so he would know and I could explain I would be back later!
I say goodbye, give him a kiss and he seems happy!
I think if he were to look around and I suddenly wasn't there that would be more upsetting!

WinkyisbackontheButterBeer Fri 16-Feb-18 19:10:08

They didn’t really advise me to sneak out. I took her in, took of her coat and walked into the room behind her.
It’s more that I didn’t actually say goodbye and that she didn’t watch me leave.

I certainly have no concerns about the nursery. The staff are lovely and Dd seems to like them a lot.

insancerre Sat 17-Feb-18 18:29:44

I always advise parents to say goodbye
It's to get the child used to you going and then coming back
Yes, they might cry but we can deal with that
It's never a good idea to sneak off

Goldenbug Sat 17-Feb-18 20:05:00

Sneaking out is a bad idea. It'll make them nervous to turn their back on you. They'll be visiting the zoo or whatever ignoring the animals because they have to keep an eye on you all the time.

FineAsWeAre Sun 18-Feb-18 18:20:47

At the nursery I work at we encourage parents to say a quick goodbye (and reassure that they’ll be back soon if the child is upset).

Vibe2018 Fri 23-Feb-18 23:04:14

You won't do lasting damage sneaking away. My older children are 6 and 8 now and perfectly well adjusted and happy despite me sneaking off many times when they were babies in nursery.

Its hard to know what's the right thing to do as sometimes they kind of forget about you if you sneak off - and if you make it obvious you are going they can get upset.

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