Feeling awful

(64 Posts)
Humv Thu 01-Feb-18 11:44:35

We had an introduction at nursery yesterday- I stayed with my DS who is nearly 9 months and he was fine, playing etc. Today I was supposed to take him and leave him for an hour and work up to a full day tomorrow. As soon as we got there, he was inconsolable, wailing, splotchy from crying so much and it took half an hour of me not bearing to leave him before they told me I had to go and give him chance to settle.

Please tell me it gets easier! Currently sat in the car counting down the minutes until 12 when I can go get him. Did anyone else find it this hard? Did it get easier? I’m so worried.

OP’s posts: |
HSMMaCM Thu 01-Feb-18 17:30:46

It will get easier. Leave quickly with a cheery smile and he'll settle faster.

piglet81 Thu 01-Feb-18 17:32:45

It will get SO much easier. I know it's horrible at first flowers

Thiswayorthatway Thu 01-Feb-18 17:37:30

Yes it will get easier, a big change for you both. Ask staff how he settled down after you left, often it is quite quickly once you have gone.

Humv Thu 01-Feb-18 19:57:03

Thank you all for replying. Apparently he didn’t really settle after I left. I’m torn as in laws have offered to have him the days I work but he’s an only child and doesn’t get much interaction with other babies so I don’t know if I should push nursery. On the other hand his grandparents adore him and he them so I know he’d love spending days with them.

I don’t feel mature enough to be making this decision! Thank you all for your help.

OP’s posts: |
Stickaforkinimdone Thu 01-Feb-18 20:00:57

OP have you thought about him being with the inlaws until he's a little older? 9 months is very young for a child to be going to nursery; granted sometimes it's a case of needs must
But, in your situation where you have the option of grandparents looking after him I would go with that every time for a child so young

AssassinatedBeauty Thu 01-Feb-18 20:02:22

Staying for so long is confusing. He won't know if you're staying or leaving each time. If you leave quickly whilst being as cheery as you can manage he will get used to drop offs, and learn that although you go, you will always come back. He will also learn that nursery is fun. My DS who is now 19 months often doesn't want to come home he's having so much fun playing!


Callamia Thu 01-Feb-18 20:06:43

I agree that it can be tough for everyone at first, but I think I’d give it more than two goes before making a decision - more like two weeks.

My son has been at his nursery for three years, and he has lovely friends and is fortunate to have had some wonderful staff to care for him. I’m glad that all the fears I had when he was a year old and started were not realised.

HSMMaCM Thu 01-Feb-18 20:08:52

Can he do one day a week with in laws? Or use them for backup?

If he's at nursery, they can have him whenever they like.

Humv Thu 01-Feb-18 20:37:47

When I go back to work in a month or so, I’m working Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. The original plan was for him to be with grandparents on Wednesday and Thursday and nursery on Friday to allow him to start interacting with other children. However, after today my mother in law has said she feels maybe he’s a little young (which I think I’m starting to agree with) and that they’d like to have him all 3 days until he’s a little older and can walk and talk etc and then maybe then he’ll get more benefit from nursery.

stickaforkinimdone I think I’m starting to agree that maybe 9 months is too young. At the same time, I feel like callamia has a point and I should be giving him longer to adjust, I just don’t think I can physically bear the thought of him crying and looking for me and for me to not be there. I’ve never seen him as upset as he was today and I probably didn’t handle it right by hovering for 40 minutes, I should’ve left him to it but the poor thing was hysterical.

My brother has a DD who’s about a month older than my DS and they’re so different- he’s quite shy and she’s outgoing, always taking his toys and he just watches and i think that’s what’s been worrying me about him interacting with other kids. I don’t want the more confident babies taking his toys etc and for him to be sad and want them back and not know what to do. I’m being ridiculous I know!

I’m so torn between trying him as a half day tomorrow and wimping out and not being able to face his sadness again. I know his grandparents will be amazing with him but does he need something different??

OP’s posts: |
Yogagirl123 Thu 01-Feb-18 20:44:32

It is so hard OP. It will get easier. DS1 was like this, he was always fine once I had gone. But it never easy seeing your child upset, my son was older. Unfortunately, what you think will be okay before you have your baby, is not the same in reality. Good luck OP I hope you find a solution. flowers

Humv Thu 01-Feb-18 20:48:52

Thank you Yogagirl123, it’s always reassuring to know you’re not alone. How old was your DS when he went to nursery?

OP’s posts: |
december212 Thu 01-Feb-18 20:59:43

My little girl started nursery at 9 months. Day one, left for half an hour there, went great. Day 2, left for an hour, not so much! She has been steadily better since and now loves going (3 long days per week). It only took a couple of weeks for her to really settle. It might worth persevering, even just half days with the grandparents taking him the rest of those days?

hotcrossbuns765 Thu 01-Feb-18 21:10:00

It does get easier. My DS started in December at 13 months. He cried when I left for the settling in sessions. He still cries now when I hand him over but when I get to the end of the corridor I can hear he's stopped. I'm not sure I could have put him in at 9 months. Bless you, maybe let the in-law's have him until he's a bit older - they can always take him to groups etc

silver1977 Thu 01-Feb-18 21:12:43

My personal opinion is he is very young at the moment, the age when separation anxiety kicks in and if you really don't 'have' to leave him yet then why? He is still a baby, there is plenty of time for him to mix with other children, pre-schools take them from 2. I'm sure he will mix with his little cousin and if your friends have babies then great, that's all they need at this stage, they can't possibly learn to share or anything yet! Maybe take him to toddler groups, stay and play sessions etc where you or the grandparents get to stay with him...win win for him as getting to interact with others and still have the familiarity of a family member with him! He would be a lot happier and so would you probably!

Xeneth88 Thu 01-Feb-18 21:16:52

As awful as it sounds, you need to say goodbye "Ok darling, mummy will be back very soon, have a lovely day, love you lots, see you in a bit". Big cuddle, give him to a staff member and go. The longer the goodbye is the more it seems to cause an impact. DS was the same and it took a week of short goodbyes (and me calling an hour later to check) for it to become ok. He still had wobbles every now and then but it was a world better.

Humv Thu 01-Feb-18 21:26:07

Thank you for all your advice. I think we’re leaning towards letting grandparents have him and maybe trying again in 6 months or so. I know whenever we do it it’ll be hard but I can’t bear thinking he won’t KNOW I’m coming back, whereas if he’s a bit older I can tell him and he’ll understand.

This having kids malarkey is hard!

OP’s posts: |
HSMMaCM Thu 01-Feb-18 21:29:37

He definitely doesn't NEED to go to nursery at his age. When you do send him, try and make it at least 2 days a week, as that's easier for them. If you choose to go with grandparents, just keep an eye out for them getting tired / fed up. I've met grandparents who love caring for family and others who resent it after a while.

Good luck. Whatever you decide will be fine.

Aria2015 Thu 01-Feb-18 21:30:44

My lo is an only and my pils look after him 3 days a week while I'm at work. He's a toddler now and he interacts with other children really well despite not going to nursery. To be honest at such a young age they don't interact much anyway. Not that there is anything wrong with nursery, just trying to reassure you that not going to nursery doesn't mean their social skills are compromised.

fleetingthinker Thu 01-Feb-18 21:35:30

I've had two in nursery and think they are great but if you have an option for him to be with family I would take it until he's s bit older.

I delayed going back with my second until she was 16 months and she was so much more ready to go. Walking and able to handle much more stimulation.

I think if you do reconsider nursery in a few months I would think about two days in, one with family. One day a week can be unsettling when the are little as it takes much longer for them to develop a good attachment to their key worker.

Kraggle Thu 01-Feb-18 21:37:44

My ten month old started nursery a couple of weeks ago. Due to Christmas we only had two settling in sessions, one hour with me there then one hour with me sat in the staff room.

She goes two and a half days and I cried my eyes out leaving her the first day, worried about her as she’s breastfed, never had formula, cant drink very well out of sippy cups, I was a wreck. She on the other hand was bloody fine and had a great day!

So far she hasn’t cried when I’ve left which I am very greatful for and know I’m very very lucky and this second week has been a breeze. I’m dreading the time when she will cry when I go as I know it will come at some point.

I do think though that nursery is very good for her. Dd1 spent 2 and a half days with both sets of grandparents when she was little and only went to preschool when she turned 3. It took her months to settle and I hated leaving her crying every morning.

Just in two weeks I can see how much better her little sister should be growing up at nursery with other children around and wish I had done it for dd1.

littlecabbage Thu 01-Feb-18 21:47:48

According to what I've read, there are no social benefits to attending nursery before the age of two, and a small increase in risk of anxiety disorders. Then after about age two, there is actually a benefit socially, and in speech development.

So I would ask in-laws to have him all 3 days if they are happy to, until he is at least two.

Also, one day a week is not really enough to expect him to settle quickly. Based on my own experience of a clingy one year old attending two days a week - he took a long time to settle, and that was even with me paying his key worker to spend lots of time with him at our house before he started at nursery.

You are lucky to have in-laws to help, and I think you are wise to be reconsidering your options.

BadMam Thu 01-Feb-18 22:14:08

DS used to leave me no problem when I dropped him off but staff told me about half an hour after I'd left he used to go sit in the corner by himself and sob!

They found leaving him was the best way and after about 15 minutes he'd pull himself together and come back and join in.

It took almost 4 months for this to stop and I felt horrific.

He's now 10 and still goes to the nursery after school one day per week, they love him like one of their own and I am going to be so sad next year when he starts secondary and won't need to go anymore sad

Humv Thu 01-Feb-18 22:27:58

We have (very gratefully) accepted my in laws offer of having him for the full 3 days- a lot of you made the very valid point that one day a week will make it much harder for him to settle and it will take a while and if I’m honest, I think if family can care for him I’ll worry much less as I know they’ll always do their best (not that nursery won’t, they seemed really good there). I’ve put a condition on that if at any point they feel like it’s too much or they’re regretting it as it’s harder than they expected, they’re to tell us and we’ll look at nursery if that arises. I think if my DS could talk he’d say he’d rather be with his grandparents and as there’s no way of knowing this for sure, I’m just going to have to do what I think is best for him.

You’ve all had some amazing advice and made me feel so much better- you’re a wonderful lot.

OP’s posts: |
missjaysays Thu 01-Feb-18 22:32:27

It sounds awful but as a nursery nurse I will tell you a quick kiss and 'bye bye, mummy be back soon' and leave.
The longer you stay the worse it makes it and the longer it takes the child to settle.

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