Nursery nightmare

[nonamesleftatall]

Apologies for the long thread this is my first post.

So my dd is 2 and 7 months and I have recently tried to get her settled in to a nursery. I knew it would be tricky as she has been more a clingy child than my ds 5. We have been talking about it since she turned 2 in October and building up to it. I went back to work when she was 9 months 3.5 days a week so she is used to being with my Mum and MIL and some times husbands Aunt (although she cried there for first little while).

It was hard choosing a nursery as Mum or MIL would pick up ds from school and do nursery pick up they live 20 mins from me and school is also about 20 mins away. I started going to a Christian toddler group close to sons school on day off and the staff were lovely, same setting as the outstanding nursery they run on other days of week. A girl who will be in same class as my DD goes and this child's brother is same class as my son so it seemed like a logical choice.

So initially she was doing 1 day 9-3 then after 4 weeks would increase to 2 days. Can't do 9-12 as cant expect my mum to drive 25 mins from her house at 12 to then go home and make trip again at 3.30 to get son from school. I feel she would definitely benefit from nursery as very bright with counting, fluent speaker, colours etc.. draw a circles, straight lines both ways.

Day 1 fine all day! Yipeee! They had told me before she started they've NEVER had to call for a parent as they always settle after a little while etc.. however for the last 4 weeks we've been asked to collect her. Husband dropped then drove 40 mins to work to get called back to then lose half a days pay. This has happened 3 times and on the 4th they wouldn't even let him leave her as so hysterical. She cries the night before, all the way there, lying on floor in nursery says she doesn't like people. There is no calming her.

When we went on holiday last year she wouldn't go to crèche and cried hysterically if we even saw a crèche nanny waking around or went to same building to drop ds off at kids club. We also tried at centre parcs December 2015 and 2016 to no avail. It is strange thing as in my group of friends when I see them 1/1 she will go off and play explore there houses (older kids at school) but if all get together so 8 adults 10 kids she won't leave our side all through dinner party even though all other kids watch film/ dress up/ play. But other times she surprises me like getting up on stage at panto when 2.2 in front of 300 people?!!?? The nursery she goes to say it isn't a shyness thing as she is quite vocal between hysteria.

Now she won't even go to toddler group in same location with me.. cries on and off throughout (which she used to love). My son is the opposite has no taste and walked off without glancing back. Incredibly sociable loves going off with friends, family to kids clubs/ groups. My husband was very shy and MIL said he used to hold dinner lady's hand for years didn't like parties etc.. again probably not relevant but there seems to be mental health problems on DH side in women. His granny committed suicide, and sister and aunt have bipolar.. both function but have suffered at points vastly.

I am so confused as she is hysterical and does not calm AT ALL. Upset day before if it's mentioned goes crazy. People say wait but I think it's the way she is and when ever I try she will struggle. Technically she can join sons small private school after October half term when 3. Shall I wait until then? Is there some more deep routed problem?

[Snap8TheCat]

Why does she need to go?

[Bamaluz]

It sounds like a combination of issues, if she's only going one day a week it's not often enough to get used to it, and she's working herself up over it the rest of the week. Also it sounds as though she just doesn't like to be away from family, maybe the parting itself is an issue.
Basically I would take her out if she doesn't need to go for childcare reasons.
I wouldn't pin mental health problems on her over it! I would try again at three when she can go to a different school.

[Neolara]

She's 2. She wants to be with you. It's completely normal separation anxiety. Unless she has to go, I'd take her out and keep her with you.

[nonamesleftatall]

I wanted her to go as I thought she would benefit from it. My son went at 2 and he loved having friends and the learning element. Obviously my Mum does a great job of looking after her and she enjoys going but she's nearly 70 and I thought it would be better to build her up ready for when she's 3 and she'd get more out of being with other children. It's a great setting with a large outdoor area, sand, play dough, water table, painting, fancy dress, quiet room, library etc.. she is used to being away from me since 9 months.

I just think if she got past this she'd love it. Sighs.

[insancerre]

For some children one day a week isn't enough
A child doing fulltime will have done the same amount of sessions in a month of your daughters sessions

Some suggestions
Do the nursery do home visits? These can work well for anxious children
Can you ask the f she can do more settling in sessions, maybe an hour every day over a week, extending to 2 hours then gradually increasing to half days before she goes for a long day?

[HSMMaCM]

It sounds like she's had a big build up to this and it's overwhelming. Don't mention it in between. Quick drop off and a cheery goodbye. Maybe ask her to look after your cardigan (or something) for you, so she knows you're coming back for it. This is normally for younger children, but might work for yours.

I also a agree once a week is not enough. It's a new start every week. As a PP said in a month, she's done less than a full timer in a week.

The home visit is also a good idea. Again no big build up to this. Saying X is coming tomorrow, X is coming in half an hour, X is parking the car etc builds the stress. Wait till she's there and just say "Look who's come to visit us".