Nursery won't talk about DD to DH

(27 Posts)
MotherCrazyCat Wed 12-Apr-17 15:08:04

DD is at a private day Nursery 3 days per week. I work locally in a care home as a housekeeper. DH works variable shifts so often isn't available for pickup and drop off at Nursery but tries to do it as much as possible,

Whenever there's a problem with DD the Nursery call me or ask to speak to me at pick up time. If DH answers the phone they always ask to speak to me, if I'm not in/available they'll call back later to speak to me. If DH does pick up they never say anything to him if there's a problem but instead call me or wait until the next time I'm at the Nursery and discuss it with me.

DH is DDs father, is listed on her birth certificate which they've seen, he lives with us and we got married before DD started Nursery.

I thought it was just a thing about dads as all the staff are female, but I saw the dad of another girl from DDs room called into the office earlier today and it got me thinking about why they won't talk about DD to DH.

I'd say he does pickup/drop off the same amount as the other dads (1-2 times a week, apart from one dad who does it everytime). I'd not be concerned if one of DDs GPs was doing a regular dropoff/pick up but this is her dad who she sees/gets along well with. The nursery manager has told me they have no concerns/problems about DH so I don't understand why they won't discuss her with him. I did go to school with two of the staff members and the managers son so I did wonder if they feel more comfortable with me, but that shouldn't really matter should it?

Anyone any idea why this might be? And what I can do about it? DH feels like so much less of DDs parent than I do already and this attitude from the Nursery isn't helping.

I'll add apart from this I'm 100% happy with the nursery and they've tried hard to help her progress with her needs, so I'd not remove her purely because of this.

OP’s posts: |
user1471558436 Wed 12-Apr-17 15:09:32

Maybe you're more approachable?

TheLegendOfBeans Wed 12-Apr-17 15:10:42

You need to tell them your perception of the situation (not doubting your account at all, they may just basically be a bit daft) and see what you get.

BertrandRussell Wed 12-Apr-17 15:13:24

" DH feels like so much less of DDs parent than I do already "

Any idea why he feels like this?

titchy Wed 12-Apr-17 15:19:15

When they phone and ask for you does he not tell them to talk to him instead? Or does he just pass the phone to you?

nannynick Wed 12-Apr-17 15:23:30

Could it be that his details are not on the paperwork. Check with the manager and make them aware that anything that needs to be discussed can be with anyone who is authorised to collect.

MotherCrazyCat Wed 12-Apr-17 15:27:18

nannynick He's definitely on the paperwork they sent out a form a few weeks ago to update contact details and it said:


Mum: MotherCrazyCat
Dad: FatherCrazyCat

Titchy He asks them if it's something he can discuss with them and they just say "I'd rather speak to mum"

Bert No idea why he feels like he's less of a parent he just says being a dad makes you less of a parent than a mum.

OP’s posts: |


PuntCuffin Wed 12-Apr-17 15:27:25

Do they send him the bill? I ask because I have discussed this with friends before - they phone the mum for asking stuff, then send the bill to the dad. Several of us have experienced the same. We are all working mothers.

I would indirectly challenge them on it, if they ask DH to pass the phone to you, just breezily say to them 'oh, her dad is more than capable here, I'll pass you back'. Or he can do it directly, and point out to them you are equal parents.

imsodizzy Wed 12-Apr-17 15:27:55

Did you have to put down a main carer on the nursery forms? Even though me and my dp are together we had to pick one of us to be the main carer on the form which means the nursery always tries to ring me first or sends letters or forms home marked for me

Stormtreader Wed 12-Apr-17 15:30:36

I think he might need to be a little more direct, rather than "if it's something he can discuss with them", he should try "Her mum isnt here right now, I'm her dad, you can talk to me about it".

MotherCrazyCat Wed 12-Apr-17 15:31:17

Puntcuffin Bill is paid from our joint accounts, comes at the beginning of the tax year to our home address, it's always addressed "To the parent/guardian of MiniCrazyCat"

OP’s posts: |
BertrandRussell Wed 12-Apr-17 15:35:36

"Bert No idea why he feels like he's less of a parent he just says being a dad makes you less of a parent than a mum"

I think this is what you should be addressing.

PuntCuffin Wed 12-Apr-17 15:36:59

Just saw your comment about them speaking to mum. He needs to pull them up on this and ask them why and point out he has equal parental responsibility. That would really grip me. I travel for work and could not be doing with a child carer refusing to discuss things until i was available.

titchy Wed 12-Apr-17 15:48:56

He certainly needs to be more assertive then. Is he choosing not to be...?

Floggingmolly Wed 12-Apr-17 15:49:15

What sort of "problems" do they contact you with? You make it sound like it's a fairly regular thing?

TheMysteriousJackelope Wed 12-Apr-17 15:51:14

When my children went to pre-school/school there was a form that stated who they could call and talk to about my child. You might want to check whether there is something similar for your nursery and whether your DH is on the list.

If your DH answers the phone why doesn't he tell them 'This is DD's father, what is this regarding because Mother isn't able to come to the phone right now?' and force them to talk to him?

BertrandRussell Wed 12-Apr-17 15:52:16

Do they really say"I'd rather speak to mum"? That is very odd indeed.

MotherCrazyCat Wed 12-Apr-17 15:55:55

He's not a very assertive person generally so that might be why! I'm not sure exactly what they say too him.

DD is deaf, asthmatic, has a squint in her eye and also has hip problems so we're contacted once a week or so for various things usually it's just things like "she's limping a bit, is that to do with her hips?" or they'll ring to ask for consent for calpol etc. I will check they know they can talk to DH about DD

OP’s posts: |
mumonashoestring Wed 12-Apr-17 15:55:55

No idea why he feels like he's less of a parent he just says being a dad makes you less of a parent than a mum

My DH is a SAHD while I work full time, pretty sure he'd argue that that's balls - your DH obviously has some hang ups there. The nursery aren't helping though. I think I'd call them - or better, write - and make it very clear that I expected DH to be fully involved in our child's care unless they could give a clear and sensible reason why that shouldn't be the case. They won't have one.

noitsnotme Wed 12-Apr-17 16:02:55

I'd be absolutely raging if they said that to me (if I was your DH) Tell him to stand up to them. My DS has been in various childcare situations and even though his dad and I aren't together, they would always, always, speak to whoever was doing pick up/drop off.

Oly5 Wed 12-Apr-17 16:12:21

I'd Call the nursery manager and say "please can your staff speak to both me and my husband about any issues/concerns with DD. We are equal parents and he's just as competent to take on board the information as I am."
Their approach is ridiculous! Don't blame your DH, this is purely down to the nursery

evilkitten Wed 12-Apr-17 16:12:37

My son's nursery was much the same with me. They asked me for the password every time I collected for about two months - I've never seen any of the mothers asked - and if there was something they needed to tell us, then they'd hand me a sealed envelope 'to give to mum'. They'd only met her once.

The incident that really hacked me off was the nurse at our GPs. When I took child #3 for her vaccinations, they refused to give them until they'd spoken to my wife. As they couldn't get hold of her on the phone, we had to make another appointment. I don't recall the nurse ever phoning me when my wife has taken them.

Similarly, although I'm listed as the first parent on the school contact list, they will always phone my wife.

I don't think I am less of a parent, but I've found I'm treated as though I am.

PlugUgly1980 Thu 13-Apr-17 17:29:22

Definitely address it with the manager, we don't have a problem at all, and we split drop offs and pick ups 50:50. My daughter is asthmatic too and has a healthcare plan for various things but they'll quite happily take instruction from dad about what meds she needs that day etc. I do tend to get asked to fill in various forms etc but that's typically because they're handed out at home time and I usually do pick ups. I do notice that it's always me they phone first if either of them are poorly, unless we've specifically told them I'm away with work or something, but I don't mind - sometimes I'll just ring DH and see if he's free to go and pick the up depending on work loads. I tend to do more of the reporting back about how a particular hospital appointment or something went (mainly cause DH's memory is rubbish and he'll openly admit that by the time he's wrestled both of them through the door, sorted coats, bags, shoes etc) he's often forgotten...occasionally he has been known to get to work and then have to ring them to give a message which they're fine with, but to be fair I've done the same. Should definitely be shared contact though as you're both equal!

catkind Thu 13-Apr-17 17:45:03

How annoying. Do say something to them, it's terrible they're making those assumptions in this day and age.
DC school and preschool asked us to list contacts in the order we wanted them used. When DH was SAHD obviously he was listed first and i was only called if they couldn't get hold of him.

Nursery did try the call mum technique a few times but eventually twigged that calling the parent working across the road made more sense than calling the one in the next county if you wanted DC picked up. "Oh dear couldn't you get hold of DH? Let me see if i can get through, if not I'll be there in an hour and a half."

mayathebee Thu 13-Apr-17 17:49:24

I'm not suggesting it's acceptable but is it maybe just for consistency? If they have always spoken to you about any problems do they feel as though you have an ongoing conversation/understanding. If they have discussed her limping with you in the past maybe they just feel they can almost carry on the conversation rather than making sure your DH knows what they have discussed/done in the past. My nursery were a bit like that with DDs excema - they would call and say it's the same as last time, should we put the cream on again. They found it easier than calling dh and explaining how bad the patches looked and what they have done before. I was a sahm at the time though and dh often couldn't answer his phone so it wasn't an issue at the time.

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