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Gut feeling during settling in

(26 Posts)
Newmother8668 Tue 28-Mar-17 03:47:55

So my baby son started the first of his two week settling in sessions yesterday. Obviously there was a year long waiting list. The nursery has changed since then. I didn't get a good feeling about it at all. I sat in the baby room and it felt like all of the carers are just going through the motions. Every time one of the babies cried, they didn't really take the time to say anything or to soothe the baby. They would just stick a dummy in the baby's mouth and walk away. Am I expecting too much from my nursery? Am I being over sensitive? None of the workers seemed all that friendly or happy. Even the carers at my gym Creche were more engaging.

Newmother8668 Tue 28-Mar-17 03:50:36

I'm wondering if it would be easy to cancel too as he hasn't really started nursery there yet. It's a Bright Horizons nursery, if that helps.

Newmother8668 Tue 28-Mar-17 03:51:18

I just didn't see the babies as happy there. Everyone was just going through the motions.

StrawberryJelly00 Tue 28-Mar-17 03:52:18

I'd say go with your gut if they are like that when they know you are watching then you can imagine what they may be like when you are not.

Find somewhere that makes you feel more comfortable smile

Newmother8668 Tue 28-Mar-17 03:53:32

You can see how much it's worrying me. I haven't slept well all night.

StrawberryJelly00 Tue 28-Mar-17 03:56:57

Aww bless you! Always a difficult time having to leave a child in the care of nursery anyway so to leave him with carsrs you are unsure of I can imagine why you would feel worried!

StrawberryJelly00 Tue 28-Mar-17 03:57:43

Typo* carers

AnnaFiveTowns Tue 28-Mar-17 04:07:08

I would say, trust your instinct and look for somewhere else. Could you not find a childminder instead? The problem is that nursery environments are not really great for babies; and the staff often tend to be not particularly well educated, poorly paid - and, yes, bored. When I went to look around nurseries, it broke my heart to see the babies there. I think, at this age, child minders are more appropriate.

Newmother8668 Tue 28-Mar-17 04:12:10

Thanks, Anna. I'm thinking the same thing. It just didn't look right at all. The babies looked so damn sad. There was one boy that kept crying and he just looked at me for even a smile. It has let me awake all night. My baby is such a happy, loving little dude that smiles and laughs so much. I would hate for that to go away. There are two other nurseries I'm looking at right now and I'm on the waiting list for an amazing one nearby. I'm going to have to make a decision. Would they force me to stay a month there if I'm not happy?

AnnaFiveTowns Tue 28-Mar-17 04:13:58

Your gut is telling you that it's not right so listen to it. I put my ds in a pre school that wasn't right and I still feel guilty about it now. I knew in my heart that it wasn't right but I didn't trust my instinct. Looking back, as an older, wiser mother, I can see the place/staff were awful and I wish I'd had the courage to follow my feelings.

AnnaFiveTowns Tue 28-Mar-17 04:17:26

Do you have a contract with them? I would just explain that you're not feeling happy with the situation. Surely if it's a two week settling in period then you're entitled to say that he's not settled and you don't think it's for you.

Mort123 Tue 28-Mar-17 06:27:51

I went to three before choosing one. One of the nurseries just didn't feel right, very strange gut feeling. The one I chose felt like it did when I find a house to buy! They were much smaller, like a family atmosphere. You have to provide your own nappies etc. and I am not getting the all singing all dancing reports that some nurseries provide but I think that's a good thing as they are spending time with the children not writing up reports! Go with how you feel otherwise it will niggle at you all the time. I never expected the guilt I felt in her taster sessions but it helps feeling comfortable that she's in good hands.

scrivette Tue 28-Mar-17 06:34:09

Go with your gut instinct, not all are like this. It should be easier to change your mind now rather than when he has fully started.

Maybe visit a couple of others to see how you feel about them before you make a decision.

DS2 goes to a nursery and really enjoys it, he is a toddler now and still gets lots of cuddles from the staff.

FluffyMcCloud Tue 28-Mar-17 06:37:50

Listen to your instincts - best case is you've taken him out of a perfectly good nursery, no harm done. If your instincts are right then you have done the right thing!

WindyScales Tue 28-Mar-17 07:16:58

Have you signed anything? I had exactly the same experience at an Asquiths nursery. I hadn't signed the form as, to my mind, you only sign once the child has fully started. They didn't realise I hadn't signed the form. Then I pulled out, after 2 weeks of a very unsuccessful settling in period. The manager was furious, but I hadn't signed the form so there was nothing she could do.
Honestly, go with your gut. We went for a childminder and haven't looked back, that was 3 years ago and we are still very happy. It now also solves the issue of school drop offs/pick ups. All my friends who went with a nursery are now having issues with wrap around care as not all schools offer extended hours.

Newmother8668 Tue 28-Mar-17 07:24:19

Yes, I've signed the forms including the direct debit, but he only did one hour of settling in yesterday and I'm definitely going to walk in today and cancel. I can't see them wanting me to continue if I'm going to complain the entire time.

WindyScales Tue 28-Mar-17 07:54:15

As you've signed the forms it might come down to their discretion. At Asquiths there was a months notice required and the manager was trying to hold me to it.
Good luck, I hope it all works out for you.

Newmother8668 Tue 28-Mar-17 12:37:39

Just wanted to say thank you for the push I needed. I went back in on-person and diplomatically said that my baby wasn't ready and that I would prefer to wait until he is a bit more independent, as I didn't think a nursery environment was for him. I actually had a few tears in my eyes saying this, but manager was great, apologetic, accepted cancellation and sent me on my way. Being a mother really does make you a strong person. Normally I'm just too nice or emotional about this stuff, but I played my cards right and got the outcome I wanted. Now looking again, but a lot more stringent with my choice.

jannier Tue 28-Mar-17 12:49:34

That's great news, I would put less emphasis on others saying wow this is a really good one and listen to your gut, you may well find it better for you and baby to go to a child-minder, where its a more family environment and time to chat and get to know the carer on a one to one level. You will often meet the families and children who have been using the services for years and see how everyone interacts.

WindyScales Tue 28-Mar-17 13:08:49

That's a great outcome and good on bright horizons for treating you well. I'm sure it's a weight off your mind too.
We live and learn, now you know what you do want it will be easier to find.

doughnutcraver Tue 28-Mar-17 17:14:39

Just seen post you did exactly what I did.
The nursery had and a very high turn around off staff who clearly didn't care about the children. Lots of parents complained about the attitude of the young staff.

I put my ds with a childminder and he loves it with her. They go to toddler groups and lots of little outings every week.
I get photo messages and updates throughout the day from her too. I feel that I can talk to her and my child's needs are priority unlike at the nursery.

Newmother8668 Tue 28-Mar-17 19:08:24

It was exactly that. I'm actually sad and haunted by the fact that another poor baby boy was in there and so upset and completely ignored. It would be heartbreaking if the parent knew that about their son. I just pictured my poor baby sitting there and no one even comforting him. Too many of them were doing that and actually looking at me for help or cuddles or something. I am going with a childminder instead, but I'm looking around. What do you guys ask and are there ways you do checks for this?

TheShapeofYou Tue 28-Mar-17 19:22:37

I'm so glad you listened to your gut. I put my then just-turned 2yo ds2 in a local preschool last year, and had a bad feeling about it. It took me six months to pluck up the courage to pull him out and go elsewhere (he was only doing 2 x 2.5hr sessions per week, term time only). The staff had been there years and years, and were clearly lazy and seemed quite cold towards my ds sad

Like a pp said, when you find the right place you just know, like when you buy a house.

Good luck finding a new provider.

WindyScales Tue 28-Mar-17 19:58:02

I'm a big fan of childminders but I know some people have their reservations as cms work on their own and on their own terms.
I visited about 10 cms and honestly when people are in their own homes their guard is down. If you can visit in the day when their kids are with them this is good. You can see what interaction is like. Just ask questions about daily routine, food, toys, activities. Who are the other kids? How long have they been there?
What's important to you, focus on those issues. Think about what you want from a provider. So you want a strong bond to be formed between your child and the cm. Affection, trust etc.. Just explain what is important to you. Do they feel they can provide that? Some cms have a lot of kids, maybe go with one that only has a few so they can give more individual care.
Remember they want it to be a good fit for them too. It takes a lot of time and effort for them to settle a child in their care, they want it to be a successful partnership too.
Also if you go to local toddler groups you can observe some local cms. Ask around, get personal recommendations, contact references (the cm should provide these for you).
They will have been ofstead inspected, read this but use it to form your overall impression (going with your gut too) don't just go on the ofstead grading.
I hope this gives you and idea of what to think about.

Newmother8668 Tue 28-Mar-17 20:10:36

Thanks guys. Windy, that's great to know. I'm off work now, so I'm able to see them during the day with other kids and I'm willing to pay extra to ensure that there are few kids. Those are great tips. I just want someone that gives my son attention, changes him and feeds and puts him down for a nap when he needs it and not just on some schedule and holds him, talks to him and comforts him. If they play with him a little bit, sing three songs and ready two short book, then it's a bonus. The good thing is my days are short for work anyway, so it will only be six hours a day at a childminder Mon to Fri. The rest of the time, he'll be with me 7 hours of his wake time, so it's not too bad. I just want him to feel secure and be taken care of. I don't need a bunch of paintings or bells and whistles. I just want someone to care if he is crying or worried or sad.

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