Scared to rely on childcare but needing space

[marylb1]

I became a mum for the first time this year (15 week old boy ) and at the moment I am a stay at home mum while my partner works full time, either 7am - 3pm or 3pm - 11pm. As we moved house a few months ago I currently do not have a job to return to.

I love spending time with my son everyday and we have an amazing bond and he's such a happy baby but over the last few weeks I've started to feel really - dare I say it - bored, as well as very, very lonely. None of my friends have children, I don't drive (but I do aim to finish learning this summer) and our house isn't in the city centre (so not many shops/places nearby), with the average age of our small amount of neighbours being 60.

I feel awful for feeling "bored" but it's purely because I get very little adult conversation in my day and I end up just sitting in all day, sometimes I don't leave the house for a few days at a time because I get too nervous to leave. Occasionally I will go for a walk with the pram or maybe sit outside with my son in the garden so he is getting fresh air etc. but that's really it.

My dad pops in for 10 minutes after work sometimes and my mum lives 3 hours away, my sister only really gets weekends to pop in but even then it's only for a few hours every now and again and then I'm left alone all day until my partner gets home. We have a great relationship right now, he is a great hands on dad and appreciates that I get bored and lonely but right now there's not much he can do about that which I understand.

Recently I've been thinking about getting a part-time job, one or two days a week max and maybe putting my son to a nursery on those days but I feel too scared to leave him with strangers all day in case something happens - which I know is silly - but I just get myself worked up and worried. I know there are many great nurseries/childcare services out there full of fantastic employees but I just can't seem to imagine myself dropping him off for the day and leaving him there. I feel as though he would be upset with me which I know is ridiculous. I want to be able to over-come this but I am also afraid that I look horrible leaving my 15 week old son at a nursery just so I can get some time to myself where I don't have to refer to myself out loud as mummy in a childish voice. I do, of course, understand some mum's don't have a choice in putting their child to a nursery at a young age so I would never judge any other mum for it but for some reason I feel like it's wrong if I do it?

I just feel if I got a part-time job it would just give me the chance to socialise more and bringing in some extra cash is always a bonus but am I wrong for feeling like that? Should I be wanting to leave the house and my son when he is only 15 weeks? Obviously I love him to pieces and don't resent my son but I just feel like I'm going to go mad if I'm stuck at home like this for much longer :( I'm quite a shy person so find it difficult to consider going to a mother and toddler group.

Has anyone felt the same or can offer any advice?

[HSMMaCM]

Your son will be fine in childcare for a couple of days a week. He will be happier with happy parents.

Are there any local toddler groups or children's centres or anything you could go along to, to meet other adults?

[HSMMaCM]

Sorry. How did I miss what you said about toddler groups. Don't be shy. Everyone feels uneasy the first time they go. Go along and focus on your son and then you will find someone friendly will talk to you.

[Dizzydodo]

There's nothing wrong with how you're feeling, as much as we all love our children babies aren't the best company, their conversation skills are a bit lacking! A part time job doesn't sound a bad idea if that's what you want but I'd definitely try and make some mummy friends if I were you, when your ds is a bit older and you need to get him out of the house to blow off steam you'll probably enjoy places like soft play etc more if you have someone to go with, plus your ds can have some playmates. Is there a local 'mummies and babies' Facebook page for your area? I often see on the one for my area people posting that they want to make some mummy friends and play dates are arranged.

[Buckinbronco]

I don't think this is really about child care is it? Your real problem
Is you're not getting out and doing things which if you were able to you could easily do (baby groups etc).
You haven't yet really looked into a job it seems so child care arrangements are premature

What it really seems to me is that you're very lonely and isolated and you've lost your confidence. Does that sound about right? It's very, very common after having a baby.

[dividedmansions]

He's a bit young to be in nursery at 15 weeks isn't he?

I'm very shy and found it v difficult to go to baby groups, but just give a few a try. I'm glad I did as like you I'd just moved to a new area and didn't know anyone. Now I have a good few mums I see for coffee etc on a 1:1 basis.

[AintNobodyHereButUsKittens]

I think getting a job right now is quite an extreme solution to a temporary problem and nursery for such a young baby would be very expensive. You should focus on learning to drive ASAP and working gradually on your anxiety issues, because once you've got those two issues fixed you can get out and about. 15 weeks is really a very short period of time, you're still finding your feet - you've cracked the practical "wtf do I do with this small pink thing that screams all the time" bit but not made the psychological adjustments. But there should be lots to do in the way of toddler groups and activities once you've learned to drive, and maybe you could do some volunteering - it's a great way to get human interaction.

[Primaryteach87]

I think it might be better to wait until 6months to get a new job, and in the meantime ring the children's centre and explain how you're feeling. At the children's centre I work with, they wouldn't bat an eyelid and would really try to help you link up with local groups. They may even come and visit you at home if transport is impossible.

I don't have a car and it can be hard but buses are so much easier these days.

Don't despair, it gets better!

[welshweasel]

Bless you OP. Yes looking after a baby can be mind numbingly tedious and utterly relentless. My son is 18 weeks old and I spent the first few weeks wondering why on earth I'd chosen to ruin my life! I moved to the area whilst pregnant so didn't know anyone and had to force myself to go out every day. I started going to a couple of baby groups at my local children's centre and was amazed at how lovely everyone was. Very inclusive and friendly. Everyone's in the same boat. Through those groups I found out about other things to do like baby swimming, baby cinema, baby massage etc and soon I was doing something every day. I went from hating mat leave to not wanting it to end. I've gone back to work this week for various reasons and I'm gutted to be missing out on all the fun things. I know how hard it is but please make yourself go! Your health visitor may be able to recommend the best groups to go to.

[crappyday]

Have a look out for church baby & toddler groups. You absolutely do not have to believe anything, but often they have very friendly helpers including retired granny- type people who will go out of their way to make you feel welcome.
It's totally normal- I used to look forward to going to tesco as it meant I got to speak to an adult (the check out person)

[CopperPot]

You're bored already?! then definitely put his name down for childminder or nursery. You don't have to stay at home

[welshweasel]

Oh and don't believe all this maternity leave is like Christmas every day crap that gets spouted on Facebook etc. That's just not the case for 99% of new mums. Looking after a baby is fucking hard work, and often a complete shock to the system. It's ok to not enjoy it all the time.

[lanbro]

I felt like you but I actively went looking for friends even tho I'm also quite shy. I met a few women through Netmums (!) and altho it was trial and error I now have 2 great friends from it. We meet up at least once a week now our dc are older and we help each other out with childcare. Although I did talk to people at toddler groups I made no friendships through them

Put yourself out there. You do need adult conversation, and you do need a break every now and then

[Lules]

I echo all the PPs. Your problem isn't really about work. I think everyone feels nervous about going to baby groups - I bottled going to a new one yesterday. A class you pay for with an activity (like baby sensory) might be better as it forces you to go and isn't just small talk? Also babies get more interesting as they get older

[NervousRider]

If you don't drive and so struggle to get place's, how will you work?

[NapQueen]

As your DP is around from mid afternoon some days and until mid afternoon other days could you all go out places together then? Groups etc may feel less daunting if there's two of you.

[Buckinbronco]

Oh yes and i think you'll have to accept unless you're very highly paid your job won't be bringing in much extra cash. Nursery for a baby is around £59- £75 a day.

[Buckinbronco]

Sorry £50-75

[MrsJayy]

Having a baby can be isolating and boring your life changes baby groups are not really for babies they are for the parents try and find 1 that suits just go and try it if you are home all day of course you are going to get lonely getting back to work might help you leaving the baby will be hard but he will be fine you sound overly anxious though just keep an eye on your anxiety

[Heirhelp]

Speak to your HV as they can put you in touch with other mums in your area in a similar position.