About crying

[Edemummy]

Hello mums
I am sorry if this has been discussed gazillion times, I did not find anything recent.

I am really concerned about my daughter reaction to nursery. She is 7.5 months old and is starting for 2 mornings a week soon, she just had her 5 settling in sessions, slowly increased from 1 hour to full morning. Which is great. The last 2 sessions I have left her on her own there, both times she was wailing when I left her, which I know is normal. But when I am coming back, I have a chance to see her before she sees me, and both times she looked really, really sad, last time I didn't see for certain, but today she was definitely crying. Both times when she saw me eventually, she just broke down in tears.
What concerns me more is that stuff (all very lovely) keep telling me that she was fine all day, no crying at all, and this is the 1st time all day that she cried. This sounds pretty unbelievable to me... I am just afraid that they won't tell me that she cries. I found some little burst blood vessels on the sides of her face, I imaging it could be from violent crying, but I cannot know for sure.
She has become a lot more wingy at home too, and a bit of a touch and go, tears appear for any old reason.

Please give me some of your wisdom, if you have gone through this.. is it normal, and would nursery workers ever call a parent to say that the child is crying?

[Ffion3107]

Hello, this sounds like seperation anxiety which is a huge part of development. All babies go through it between 6-8months. It's a good sign because she understands who is there for her all the time (object permanence) but when you are not there she doesn't know where you are and may feel unsafe.
When you drop her off, try to be calm as she will know when you feel worried, hand her a toy or something to get her mind working as soon as she goes in.
My daughter started at 6 months and I was expecting this after studying babies and children for 5 years, when it didn't happen I worried that our bond wasn't strong enough for her to miss me. So it seems that us Mums worry about everything!
It will take a few weeks of getting used to but stay strong, and ask the nursery workers to give you a call if they arr worried, I'm sure they wont mind you phoning either to check on her. X

[Dontcallus]

Everything as above. Also it's so so normal for them to burst into tears on your return. They are just overwhelmed with emotion and it's the only way they can express it. Also do other parents collect at around the same time? We find new babies get upset when parents are in and out and then when mum/dad arrives they look like they have been crying the whole time.
Do they take photos to show you her time there? Might be a reassurance.

[Edemummy]

Thank you, it is very reassuring to know the scientific bits of her behaviour. I collect her at the end of the morning "shift", I haven't seen other parents collecting, I have come a little earlier both times... She will have a photo of us (parents) once she starts going in properly, does it actually help them? Don't they just get reminded that they have mummy but she is not around?

[DougalTheCheshireCat]

I think you know your child. We went through similar, and it certain,y was the case that nursery were playing down dd's crying / how long she'd been crying for. They'd say 'oh it's just started' but I could see by her face that wasn't the case. For us, I pushed back a bit and kept days short until I saw / sensed she was happier there. When the staff saw I was prepared to do that, they got on board.

I think nurseries can and do gloss over or play down how upsetting settling in can be for the child. A) because it's normal (to them) almost all kids that start nursery do it. And B) a lot of parent don't want to hear how it really is. If you have no other option on your child care arrangements, it can be hard to hear that your child is unhappy. Certainly out nursery were offering full time (50 hours a week). We were only there two days a week. But if you're back a work full time, there's no easy way to reverse out of that in the short term.

We combined nursery with our nanny, and of DD had not got much happier there quite quickly I would have withdrawn her, and waiting until, she was older. She was over one when she started and it took about a month of her going twice a week (which is still the number of days she does now, at nearly three). As well as keeping her days short, I also went with her for a hour or so of stay and play time on the day a week I am off with her.

There was a girl of the same age who started at the same time who was very unhappy. Every time I saw her for the first term (sept- Christmas) she was crying, and often at that point where it had got so bad she didn't know how to stop. Part of that was the workers, though. Several times I saw that as soon as her crying eased off or stopped they try to put her down, which set her off again. Whereas often kids of that age need reassurance through their calming down phase, and until they choose to wander off. I worried a lot about that little girl and would have withdrawn her if she'd been mine.

Looking back I think even one yr old is young to start nursery and will wait until later with my next. They need and carve one on one support and attention and nurseries cannot offer that. Sure it's good for them to learn to be part of a group, and to be self sufficient but starting at two, or three is plenty time for that.

Do you need nursery child care? Are you preparing to go back to work? Trust your instincts on what you see from your child, make clear to the nursery that you want the truth, not a spin, and if she doesn't get happier quickly, explore what other childcare options might be a alternative