How long to 'settle' before worrying?

[parrotonmyshoulder]

We had to change ds's nursery due to a house move. He loved his old nursery (had been there since age 2.10). He's now 3.6. He attends 2 full days per week (was 3 but I managed to drop a day). The other days are a combination of childminder and pre-school, which is all going really well.

Anyway, he hates nursery. Cries about it all the time. Thinks about it when he's not there and asks constantly if it's nursery tomorrow. When it is nursery day, he has actually been fine for the last four sessions and has got dressed and ready quite happily.

They mostly report him to have been 'sad' (their word) during the day, seeking reassurance constantly.

At the previous nursery he was full of beans and took part in everything. Apparently he 'needs lots of encouragement' to join in anything now.

What worries me most, I think, is the quality of interaction with adults in the nursery. So far, literally ALL I've seen of adult-child interaction is behaviour management/ task direction. So just 'stop that', 'be kind', 'coat off' etc. DH, who takes him in, says that some mornings he has to seek out a staff member in order that they notice and acknowledge DS's arrival.

I spoke to the room manager today. She seemed unconcerned but said that he was on the peripheries, didn't join in much etc. I asked what they could try next to help settle him better, and she suggested changing key worker, which I agreed to. She also agreed to trying to actively involve him in group activities.

It's been 5 weeks now. I don't know how long to leave it before I give up and have to do another transition and settling in! It's not possible to do the two days in his other setting. Nanny is out of the question. I don't want these last months before school to be miserable!

[sunnydayinmay]

I don't think it sounds right, particularly if he is fine in every other setting. Is there any option?

My main concern would be that you clearly do not get good vibes either.

[parrotonmyshoulder]

I'll find another option.

I chose this nursery. Obviously I don't like being wrong! The last one was lovely. Hard to organise with my and DH's work, DD's school, Ali different places! This one was geographical good and Ofsted outstanding. But I'm really unhappy with it and wasn't at all reassured today (I just dropped in unannounced - DS wasn't even there today - but I wanted to see what it was like at a different time of day).

[parrotonmyshoulder]

We've had a weekend of 'it's not nursery tomorrow, is it mummy?' and 'it's not nursery for a long time, is it?'.

I will have to find something else.

[bikingintherain]

I would say trust your gut. I've had a child who has taken time to settle, and been unhappy about going. But week by week I saw an improvement and after 3 weeks he was fine. He regresses a bit after holidays but other than that is now happy to go. Also, my son although struggled to go he never worried like yours did.

I would pull him out if I had a choice, nursery should be bending over backwards to help him settle and it doesn't sound like they are.

[parrotonmyshoulder]

That's it, they didn't show any interest in his lack of settling. Not in a 'don't worry, it's normal, we've seen it all before' way, but a 'don't really care' way. It also worried me when they described him as 'shy and quiet'. He really isn't!

[parrotonmyshoulder]

I don't have any easy choices, but I will work something out.

[poocatcherchampion]

Is it possible to reduce the number of settings? Pre school, nursery And childminders seems like loads. Is he going to school in September? Can you up one of the others for the next 6mo or so?

[parrotonmyshoulder]

Childminder and preschool is all one setting - childminder runs preschool.

It does sound like a lot but we had to change when we moved house and it wasn't possible to do all one setting full time. At least he likes the CM and preschool.

Yes school in September, with the preschool children.