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'Trusting' my husbands 89 year old Dad to pick up my 1 year old after nursery

(25 Posts)
ESW54321 Sat 19-Sep-15 04:56:29

I feel like a terrible person for thinking this but the nursery ends at 3.30 and my husband works until 6pm so his dad (aged 89) has offered to collect her and mind her for a few hours. She's in nursery 3 days a week as I'm going back part time but work shifts so can't collect her those days. His dad is lovely but frail and struggles to bend down etc
He also didn't do much of the childcare etc with his own 3 kids (many years ago)
My Husband was really offended when I said I was unsure about letting his dad be responsible for our baby but what are your thoughts? Am I worrying too much? X

MartinRohdesBellybuttonFluff Sat 19-Sep-15 05:13:56

If your DFIL is frail and hasn't much experience of babies then I would trust your own instincts OP. An odd occasion might be ok but three times a week might be a bit much for him. Is this supposed to be happening in his home or yours?

I am sure that he only offered out of the goodness of his heart but I would have reservations if it was my baby too.

ESW54321 Sat 19-Sep-15 08:53:56

Thanks for that - it's very awkward
How would you approach this?

katienana Sat 19-Sep-15 08:58:12

No its totally inappropriate. Would you send her to a nursery staffed by 89 year old s. Not fair to put your dfil under that pressure.
You can't worry about hurting feelings over this your 1 year old is the priority here. Get a childminder sorted out asap.

AnyoneButAndre Sat 19-Sep-15 09:02:30

Say it's much too much to ask of him. Say DD is too tiring for you sometimes let alone an 89 year old (lie if necessary). Bear in mind that she's going to get bigger and louder and faster really quickly and he's only going to get older, so this plan will get less suitable by the day.

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall Sat 19-Sep-15 09:04:07

One year olds attend nursery for childcare, not education, so a nursery that closes at 3.30 seems pointless to me, you need to find a nursery that opens during normal office hours.

Lindy2 Sat 19-Sep-15 09:06:12

Has your FIL ever looked after your daughter alone? I personally think it would be too much of a commitment, probably too tiring and probably fairly unreliable in the end.
Maybe let them spend a few hours together with you near by as back up so your FIL can find out what is really involved in looking after a 1 year old.
Also remember that your 1 year old will become a faster stronger 2 year old in time and your FILES will be 90.
I would look for a childminder. You need reliable, professional care.

Optimist1 Sat 19-Sep-15 09:17:30

A sweet offer from your FIL, OP, but as Lindy mentions, the speed of a little one is going to be the issue here regardless of how mentally alert FIL is. I say this as someone who is nowhere near 89 but still feels at a disadvantage when in pursuit of a toddler!

MartinRohdesBellybuttonFluff Sat 19-Sep-15 09:20:16

When you say "approach' OP do you mean letting your DFIL down gently (which has been eloquently put by others above), or what to say to your offended DH?

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse Sat 19-Sep-15 09:21:51

My GM is about the same age and now quite frail (although very fit too). She said about 10 years ago that she would not be doing any childcare for GGC because it would be too much for her physically (and she was much better then than she is now IYSWIM).

It sounds like your FIL hasn't got a clue what looking after a small child entails. My GM does, and so she made sure she was clear that she wasn't up to it for the sake of the children as well as her.

It really does sound like a disaster waiting to happen. He would be exhausted doing this regularly. Your dh is being very unfair on both your child and his father by considering this. It's not in either of their best interests, it's for his convenience.

ESW54321 Sat 19-Sep-15 18:20:06

Thanks all, I feel much more reassured knowing that you agree with my concerns - how about I suggest he takes of the old walk around in the pram but does no one on one childminding ? Just absolutely don't want to hurt his feelings and offend ... All very awkward . I do have definite reservations though and am relieved this is appropriate given what you all say xx

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse Sat 19-Sep-15 20:41:46

You could always try a few "dry runs". Be in the house, but let FIL look after the DC for 3 hours without you helping at all. See how he manages. He may take back the offer sharpish.

Rainuntilseptember15 Sat 19-Sep-15 20:45:02

No no no. Regardless of your valid concerns, imagine what people would think of you imposing on such an elderly man in this way.
Agree with pp the nursery sounds a bit pants for your purposes.

Wigeon Sat 19-Sep-15 20:47:23

Absolutely no way. I think he probably has no idea what looking after a 1 yr old is like (and then a 2yr old if he keeps doing it?). My mum has just stopped regularly looking after our DC, and she is 71 and open it pretty exhausting, and they are quite a bit older and more able to entertain themselves.

I would just polititely decline.

Wigeon Sat 19-Sep-15 20:47:54

*found not open!

Wigeon Sat 19-Sep-15 20:48:55

Is your DD walking yet?

winchester1 Sat 19-Sep-15 20:54:28

You might be surprised my mil is 83 and loons after our very energetic, stubborn 2yr old just fine. He just behaves diff with her and she has a calm experience with him.

PaulineFossil Sat 19-Sep-15 20:56:43

You've said your husband was offended so I think you need to deal with him first. I had a similar issue with my PiL and dh. I made it absolutely clear that I wanted them to spend time with their gc but pointed out the issues to DH (getting down to the floor, speed of toddler, physical tiredness) and also asked him if he would be happy with a childminder of that age and asked him how many 80 year olds he saw in playgrounds. I think the issue was that, understandably, he just saw his mum and dad, not the elderly people that they now are.

It's not clear from your op that your FiL would actually be offended, or if he has offered just because he feels he should help, but I think once your DH is onside, he will know the best way to approach it with your FiL.

winchester1 Sat 19-Sep-15 20:56:54

Sorry that wasn't even a sentence!

She is calm and experienced with him.

babyboomersrock Sat 19-Sep-15 21:04:01

How does your dh think his father will manage this? I don't think I'd be happy even allowing her grandfather to take your dd for walks in the pram - prams can be hard work to manage if you're frail.

I'm 68, pretty fit, had 4 children of my own, and regularly look after my small grandchildren - and even I find it exhausting. How is he going to get her into her high chair or change a nappy if he's frail? Toddlers are hard physical work.

I suggest you tell your dh to consider the damage he may do to his father's own health by putting him in this position if he won't think of his dd's safety. It was a kind offer but completely impractical.

insancerre Sun 20-Sep-15 18:02:47

No I wouldn't do it and as a nursery manager I would consider it a potential safeguarding issue
Find another nursery. 3.30 is a rubbish time to close

I was going to suggest a dry run or two, but I see FuckYouChris has beaten me to it.

If it was a fit, active 89-year-old, it might work, but this situation sounds like an accident waiting to happen. And if something bad happened to your dad, how would her grandad feel? He'd be destroyed. And if your FIL injured himself, how would your dh feel? Equally bad, I bet.

Not worth the risk, IMO.

MNemonica Sun 20-Sep-15 19:32:27

I really wouldn't do it. Soon your dd will be running around, and your FIL could well find that she can outrun him. Not to mention that he could fall.

A lot of people underestimate how tiring it is looking after a toddler - namely those who have never done it! A one year-old needs constant watching. Maybe your FIL is very alert, but I know my DF at that age was prone to nodding off.

As others have suggested, look for another nursery or find a childminder, and tell your FIL that you''re touched by his kind offer but couldn't impose your DD on him as she's such hard work.

VenusRising Sun 20-Sep-15 19:50:18

I wonder if your DHs father has actually offered, or has your DH offered his dad's services thinking his dad will live forever and hasn't aged a day (because he hasn't <or likes to think he hasn't>)

Fwiw I think it's just absulolutely deluded to ask an 89 year old frail man who didn't do much child rearing, and who can't bend over, to look after a baby until 7 pm from 3:30 pm three times a week.

I mean is your DH trying to kill his dad off? grin

It's so inconceivable it's hilarious.

I reckon he wouldn't even be able to do it two days in a row, if he could manage it once at all without damaging himself, and your baby. Babies in crèche carry all kinds of bugs too, so your father in law will definately get sick.

Just bite the bullet and pay someone who is capable and trained with experience, and in better health, and a better immune system, and tell your DH that it's safer for everyone to get someone else in to do it, unless he wants his dad dead, and a very unhappy baby.

89 years old...... what ever happened to golf?

jclm Thu 17-Dec-15 14:45:29

Lmao venusrising!!!

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