Not settling-should we take her out of nursery? Sorry, long

[idag]

Hi

Looking for some opinions please as we are at a bit of a loss. Our 2.3 yo DD has been going to nursery for one month, 2 mornings per week. She settled in ok(ish) but has always cried before we leave the house, on the way and up until the staff usually have to peel her off me. Things have gradually got worse and this morning was the worst ever- she tried to hide under the bed, tore her clothes off, and had a hysterical tantrum until she was sick everywhere when I was trying to wrestle her into the car seat. We went back inside and she was just clinging to me sobbing for ages. We went into nursery a bit later (she would only come in when I said Mummy would stay ) and spoke to her keyworker and the manager who were sympathetic but advised me to stick with it.

Our second baby is due in four weeks so our dilemma is whether to keep going with nursery or just take her out for now and try again when she is a bit older and the new baby is settled in.

But if we take her out now are we making a rod for our backs in the future when we try and put her back in?

Do you think some kids are just not ready for nursery at 2?

Any advice really appreciated, we really are in two minds of what is the best thing to do for her.

Thanks xxx

[witchwithallthetrimmings]

i'd leave it until she is 3 tbh and then perhaps try a different nursery. there are probably loads of parent and toddler groups you can take her to instead

[geraldinetheluckygoat]

If you want to take her out and you don't need to send her, just take her out. Try when she's older. Is she generally tantrummy over other things or is it just somehting that happens around sending to nursery? (not judging you, ds1 was King Tantrum at this age!!) Two is still very little. Also if you are about to have another baby, she can probably sense something's afoot and that might be making her feel unsettled too. Good luck!

[HoneyPablo]

The manager and keyperson are just saying what they are supposed to say. If she doesn't need to go, I would take her out and try her in a few months when she is a little bit older and more likely to settle.
As a nursery nurse, I have seen it is harder for children to settle who only attend 1 or 2 sessions a week. The nursery are happy to take the money, but it really is hard on the children. It takes them much longer to settle than a child who attends fulltime.
Also, the timing is not great, with the new baby arriving soon. She may be feeling that she is being rejected in favour of the new baby, or even replaced. She won't be able to articulate these feelings, but she is exhibiting signs that she is extremely anxious.
Like you say, some children are just not ready at 2 and I don't think you will be making a rod for your own back at all. You are simply responding to her needs in a sensitive way. She won't be getting anything out of nursery if she is too upset to engage with anything. I have seen it lots of times (our nursery accepts children for only one afternoon or morning) and sometimes these children never settle.
We have a child, 19 months who does 1 afternoon. He cries every time his mum drops him off. He cries so much he falls asleep, misses out on playing, wakes up still upset in time for snack. he refuses to eat any snack, is crying and distressed. After snack, he sits on a staff member's knee and they look at books- he does start to settle a bit but now it is home time and he becomes distraught when he sees his mum.
I fail to see what he is actually gaining from attending nursery- mum does not work, so he doesn't have to. The manager is always thinking of the money- seems like the child always comes second to the money.

[Gincognito]

Yes I'd take her out. She needs to know that she can trust you to listen to her - listen to your instinct. I think a lot of children aren't ready at two.

[duffybeatmetoit]

If you can I would let DD stay with you until things are more settled with the baby. My DD started nursery at 5mths and the consensus seemed to be that it was easier for a child under the age of one to settle as they didn't have much to compare it with. By 2 they are used to being with the parent(s) and it becomes a much bigger issue. I would think that by the time she is 3 you would be able to sell it to her as a treat because she is such a big girl, etc.

Good luck with the new baby and DD.

[idag]

Thank you so much to everyone for your advice. We have handed in notice at the nursery and are going to keep trying for the month but if she still is not settling we will take her out. Not ideal but she doesn't have to be there, it was more to give me a break with the newborn but we will survive!

Thanks again, really appreciate all the responses.

[RitaMorgan]

2 is quite a difficult age to start nursery - as many aren't ready as are. They know what's going on and don't want to be left, but don't get as much enjoyment out of the social side of it as 3 year olds do.

Sounds like she is telling you very clearly that she doesn't want to go - her distress sounds quite extreme. I wouldn't put her through another month of it if it isn't necessary.

[Nancy66]

I also wouldn't put her through another month of it - the poor child sounded utterly traumatised. Why make her suffer more?

[leicestershiregirl]

My DS started nursery at two and it took him a long time to settle in - at least 3 months. I had the same problem you have, he would cry, cling to me and have to be prised off by nursery staff. Looking back I think he wasn't quite ready. We seriously contemplated pulling him out but I have to work and we kept saying 'Let's give it one more week, let's give it one more week'. But it gradually got better and now he loves it. I would wait until at least two and a half with the next one, or try a childminder - have you thought about that? Maybe once the baby is a couple of months old so she doesn't think she's being replaced?

If it's really not working take her out today, don't wait a month, even if you have paid a month's fees in advance (galling, I know). It's a price worth paying for your peace of mind and hers.

You won't be creating a rod for your own back, when she is three or so she'll want to go to play with other children. At the minute she can't really play with other kids and all she can think about is how much she misses mummy.

[muppetmummy2011]

This is really interesting as I am going through similar myself. My 4 year old has just started school and is loving it, I've put my 2 1/2 year old in nursery on a monday so he can have some interaction as he misses his brother and the baby is not fun for him yet, but he hates it!! Its only been 2 sessions but he cried for 40 mins whilst I was there and then screamed and ran after me as I tried to leave. He got so bad that they rang me after an hour as I asked them to if he was too upset!! He keeps telling me he doesnt want to go back and that he misses mummy!!:-( Do I persevere or shall I wait til he's 3 and he can be part of the pre-school class in the nursery and have longer there as its funded? Any advice very much appreciated xx

[RitaMorgan]

I wouldn't send him if he doesn't need to go - 2.5 is very young.

[muppetmummy2011]

We've decided not to send him and are now going to take him to various parent and toddler sessions to see if he builds up his confidence around other children his age and then try pre-school at 3! x