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Worried now Ive read a book...Oliver James How not to F them up

(5 Posts)
LaCiccolina Mon 20-Jun-11 13:38:03

Moral of the story - don't read a book if author anyone other than Jackie Collins....

Anyway, I did read a book. Wish I hadn't but now Id really appreciate some alternate view points. I go back to work in September. DD will be just 9mths. I saw this chap, Oliver James, on Matthew Wright and as he was promoting a book and talked DH into getting it out of interest. A couple of his ideas seemed interesting at the time.....

It starts off ok enough, apparently there are 3 types of mother Organised/Hugger/Fleximum. Havent yet worked out which I might be but Im really quite concerned about the distinct hatred he obviously has for nurseries through the whole book. Its weird as I thought he was integral to the SureStart scheme hence why I picked the book out, I thought he would have useful things to say on a nursery topic that I could learn from. Im pretty disappointed.

Whilst Id love to be at home, I have to return to work for the time being. I am requesting an FWA. My parents will have dd for one day and nursery for 3. Im waking in cold sweats now about the nursery. If going to work wasnt scary enough and I feel guilty enough about this in the first place, this is nearly finishing me off. I was at least comfortable and hopeful about this situation as the chosen nursery seems pleasant.

His book continually cites articles where nursery is bad for under 3's. Its apparently shown that anything but 1:1 care is horrendous and probably will turn out sociopaths or kids in therapy. (Im egging a pudding a bit but it aint far off this threat!!)

I dont know any childminders, I feel (rightly??) that this is best by word of mouth and I dont know any mouths to recommend one in my area. Nursery for 3 days seemed a logical, hopefully safe option that would be fun and fit in well with all of us. Now as I say Im second guessing and panicking that my beautiful girl will be damaged, hate me, hate others, turn into a nightmare brat, be in therapy for life all because of 3 days a week.

Does anyone know of any studies that show the opposite view? ANY opposite view? Im trying to be logical that as plainly he hates them hes picked out information that only fulfills his personal world view point - nursery = hell hole, but does anyone have anything I can see now to tame my terrified imagination?

I cant talk to my dh about this. He would freak. I cant talk to a mate as nobody would know an answer. Im really hoping someone on here might know something to help me or just offer a professional word of guidance.

(reposted as I put under childminders - thanks to those that already posted an answer there)

minorpanic Mon 20-Jun-11 14:18:29

Hello! Just saw this and in a rush as at work but had to answer. There IS loads of research that shows that nursery is not bad for children. There was a study out a couple of years ago I think that rounded up all the evidence in a great big literature review and found that there was nothing to suggest that children in childcare settings had less good outcomes on all sorts of measures than other children. This study looked at this over the whole life course ie right through to adulthood and again, no difference between children who had and had not attended nursery. Or at least some but very small and in some studies I think that children who hadn't been at home did better, ie more sociable. I am pretty sure that it also made a clear distinction between good and bad nurseries, ie bad nurseries are bad for children, and good ones are not. Pretty obvious I guess.

This is a bit useless as I can't find the study but I will try and post a link if and when I can.

Anyway, the study above seemed fairly independent and reliable. I remember seizing on it as great relief from my guilt! Apart from this, in my experience it definitely seems that people can find evidence to support any argument they want to present. So if you think that children should be with their mothers for whatever personal or ideological reason you have, you will find evidence to support this. And vice versa. I don't know much about Oliver James except that he's controversial. Sure somebody else will come along and tell you more.

Some people say a childminder is better for very young children but I think it depends on the child and the childminder. My DD went to a childminder from nine months and hated it. I don't think it was her childminder's fault, but she had two children of her own and I don't think my DD got more one-to-one attention than she would have had at nursery. She went to nursery at 18 months and was happier though it took her time to settle. My DS started nursery at seven months and settled immediately. They are both really happy at nursery now and often don't want to come home (they are three and one)! I am constantly looking for differences between my children and those of friends who are SAHM, and I genuinely can't seen any. My two seem as social, happy and confident as them.

Anyway, overall, please try not to worry. I really don't think that your child will be damaged by nursery, especially if it's a good one. A loving stable home is what matters. IMHO.

princesbold Mon 20-Jun-11 14:51:37

Perhaps somebody should do some research on how bad some parents are ?

Some nurseries hate to have to give the children back at the end of the day.

LaCiccolina Mon 20-Jun-11 15:24:30

Hi minorpanic, thank you so much. The logic part of my brain thought there must be two sides but my guilty side preferred to assume not!

The nursery we picked looks ok. Seem plenty of happy parents/babies so I'm hopeful. I thought being experienced he might offer a more rounded viewpoint of nursery which would have been useful to learn from. Plainly taking the easy way out and just bashing them was simpler and/or got the book finished quicker. Pity, some parts were interesting but his vitriol for nurseries really took me by surprise.

If u find the title let me know, however it's just great to hear that they can be fine. :0)

LaCiccolina Mon 20-Jun-11 15:25:46

Princes: totally!!!!

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