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I wish we’d never bloody come

(54 Posts)
SinkTerranium Sat 20-Apr-19 01:54:08

We got invited to a weekend away in a holiday cottage with a big group of DH’s extended family. We have a tiny baby. I kept saying no, DC is too young and will get no benefit from it, but got guilted into coming for one night. This ‘one night’ feels like the longest night of my life, and I wish we could just drive home now.

Firstly we were told there was a travel cot here (we haven’t bought one yet as haven’t had a need). There is a travel cot here, except there is no mattress. So then it was suggested we just ‘put him in a bed’. Now a cot mattress has been found, the same mattress DH used to sleep on as a baby... we just won’t worry about SIDS then?!

DC sleeps really well now, normally wakes once at 4am. We’ve been put in the room directly above the main eating area, so c.10 adult voices booming through the ceiling and him being in a different place meant he woke at 9pm absolutely terrified and distraught. I’ve never seen him so upset. Finally got him back to sleep, but he’s been so restless in his sleep ever since. I can’t sleep because I’m pissed off that we’re here and worried about DC in this ancient cot. DH ended up arguing with his mum as she was main instigator for pressuring us to come up.

I know it’s not the end of the world, but I’m annoyed at myself for not listening to my gut and desperately wishing we could just be at home. And ranting here while I try and wind down enough to actually get some sleep.

Weenurse Sat 20-Apr-19 01:58:03

Listen to your gut in future and don’t let anyone guilt you into doing things you don’t want to do.
When baby wakes and is fussy, walk around the living room while everyone else is trying to sleep in.
That will stop the invitations.

chazm84 Sat 20-Apr-19 02:02:25

Oh my gosh, that sounds so stressful. I've found myself in similar situations several times with DH's wonderful but large, loud, and enthusiastic family so know how you must be feeling.
The stand out one was 15 adults, 3 kids (ours was a couple of months old) in an un-soundproofed 3 bed house followed by a sightseeing boat trip many hours long that went over meal and nap times. We tried many times to decline and got railroaded into it nonetheless. It made us stronger parents in the long run.
Just get through it minute by minute and know that you will be stronger for having survived it. It's a tough wake up call but you'll be better at prioritising your/your child's requirements next time. 💕

managedmis Sat 20-Apr-19 02:05:32

Yup, been there op, its fucking shit. Nights staying at other people's houses with a 3 month old who won't sleep, lots of fun. I remember MIL being shocked when I told her I'd ended up sleeping propped up on the sofa, DD asleep in a swing chair, that's the only way she'd sleep! I slept for about two hours that night.

Don't do things to please other people : they don't give a fuck about you, just themselves.

This too will pass.

managedmis Sat 20-Apr-19 02:06:31

How far actually are you from home?

managedmis Sat 20-Apr-19 02:09:40

Another thing : it's amazing how quickly people forget how hard it is having a newborn.

Sleep deprived? A walk in the park.
Organising all the clothes, bottles, pram, nappies, wipes, pharaphalia? Easy peasy.
Stressing about caring for a tiny newborn? Why stress? So easy!


SinkTerranium Sat 20-Apr-19 02:12:22

We are a couple of hours away, but DH has been sinking red wine and I’m too tired to drive. I’d bloody love to do a midnight dash though.

Greensleeves Sat 20-Apr-19 02:14:20

Never, ever let DH forget this. You should have been bloody listened to when you said "no" in the first place.

Jb291 Sat 20-Apr-19 02:19:08

Try to settle down and get some sleep. If your husband has had a drink and you're exhausted neither of you will be safe to drive until morning, At least you can go home in a few hours.

SinkTerranium Sat 20-Apr-19 02:32:33

I suppose at least I can say ‘see, this is why I didn’t want to come’. I’m not sure I could have listened to the unbearable smugness and ‘i Told you so’ if it had actually gone well. Why don’t people just listen to the mother of babies and trust they know what’s best for them? God, I’m really so angry!

MetroFly Sat 20-Apr-19 02:33:14

We took dd1 to the IL when she was 12 weeks old for 5 days. I was beyond stressed and so fucking resentful of night feeds and my whole routine (and my mental health) messed up while everyone else got to enjoy dd1.

Dd2 was born 3 months before Christmas and there was talk of us flying over to the IL for it. I just said no. I was not ever doing that again.

I still seethe about the first trip as SIL made so many comments about me not being flexible, and annoyed at having to be quiet when I was trying to put dd1 down.

And we travel a lot with dc, back and forth to Aus, Europe every summer but being made to do it before I was ready was shit.

flumpybear Sat 20-Apr-19 02:36:35

Make sure you're super loud in the morning and wake everyone up 😉

Butterymuffin Sat 20-Apr-19 02:44:52

Yes, let them have the full benefit of the baby's noise whenever he's awake / up. Why couldn't they even have put you in a different room?

Smotheroffive Sat 20-Apr-19 02:54:03

How shit, and I think many can absolutely identify with what you're going through right now!

I would, personally, co-sleep and drinking all night DH can find another bed/sofa. It requires compromise all round!

Also, yes, plenty of noisy getting up early in the morning!

Your DH has let you down here big time.

icelollycraving Sat 20-Apr-19 03:00:10

Is be pretty pissed off with your dh tbh. Hopefully he hasn’t drunk too much that you can go home in the morning.

Smotheroffive Sat 20-Apr-19 03:02:05

Yep,your DH has walked you straight into this one and then drank too much to drive.

chazm84 Sat 20-Apr-19 03:56:02

Have a good chat with your DH when you get home. Explain what didn't work for you and why and how you can approach it next time- maybe go for dinner or a day trip but talk about what your practical limits are to keep everyone happy. My DH just didn't understand until we sat down and I explained all the intricacies.
We've learnt that even for overnights it's best for us to book our own place so even if it all goes pear shaped we have our own space. Makes it a bit more expensive but worth it for the peace of mind.

Decormad38 Sat 20-Apr-19 04:19:30

It’s other people and their selfish needs to see their grandkids but they are never the ones that then stay up all night to care for the child.

ImTheCaddy Sat 20-Apr-19 07:00:21

Ill never get over a nightmare trip to a family members Spanish villa when DC was about 4 months.

It was torture. Dc didn't sleep, wouldn't feed, was fussy and generally a nightmare a baby. And NOONE helped me. They all just sort of looked blankly and judged. One of them has since had kids and does admit that they acted like shits.

Yogagirl123 Sat 20-Apr-19 07:06:36

I agree OP, with a really young baby you are far better off at home.

No need to be falling out over it, you tried it, it didn’t work, move on, if you have any more invites just say no.

ThisIsTheEndgame Sat 20-Apr-19 07:11:55

Be prepared for.your DH to think it went swimmingly. After all he probably didn't worry about the cot, he wasn't settling your distraught baby, he had a lovely time getting hammered with his family while you did the work. I reckon you'll be told "see I was great" and "you were stressing about nothing".

ContessaIsOnADietDammit Sat 20-Apr-19 07:19:03

Seems really shit for you - DH brings you to a house of his family which is poorly prepared for you, then drinks all the wine so he's incapable of helping out. I'd be more angry with him tbh. It should have been a day trip for the 3 of you at best!

As an aside, we once stayed in an Airbnb or similar with a big bunch of childless friends; the cot was buried at the back of the garage (plus mattress) and was hideously dusty. We didn't use it and made 14mo DS2 a nest on the floor, boxed in by cases confused 2.5yo DS1 was already in our travel cot and was more of a flight risk active.

We got through it but I look back and shudder! Friends tried to be helpful but in various cases really didn't get it (in fact it's just occured to me to wonder why one pair didn't offer us their much bigger room with ensuite)..... ah well. Let it be a learning experience, OP!

Preggosaurus9 Sat 20-Apr-19 07:21:04

Sounds like a DH problem if he's merrily sinking the wine while you carry the full load upstairs quietly.

Never again OP! Next time put your foot down and they can make whatever shitty comments they like, it's just not worth it!

ContessaIsOnADietDammit Sat 20-Apr-19 07:22:57

Oh, a thought: when his mum asks you if you had a lovely night's sleep, be brutally honest and say all the noise woke baby up, then he didn't sleep because the bed is a bit crap, and so obviously you had to deal with it because DH was hammered, so no, not really <haunted grimace>. Add on that you'll hopefully be able to go home in the early afternoon and have a nap because you're shattered, so DH can look after his own son then <big happy smile>. She may be hmm at you but at least she won't be left with the impression that this was in any way a good idea!

CurlyWurlyTwirly Sat 20-Apr-19 07:29:05

I’d be making sure you make lots of noise waking everyone up.
How early can you get away OP?

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