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Is my wife a alcoholic? Am I over reacting?

(34 Posts)
Chapman198 Wed 22-Nov-17 00:49:20

Hi
So I've been with my wife for two years we recently got married and ive got three kids from my previous straight relationship.
We moved in together last year and I moved 1hour and 20 minutes away from the where I was originally from.
When we first met she use to drink a few cans most night only two or three and it was never an issue, she smoked weed and it never bothered me. She comes from a drinking family. I don't. I do however and have done in the passed go on nights out and drink more than I should with the girls.
But I don't drink in the house and never when I'm with my kids. Never took drugs ever
Slowly I noticed that her drinking got earlier in the day. And more regular over time.
If we didn't have the money to buy beers she would just go and it from her mums or sisters or worse lend money to buy it.

I've always been open about the fact I have bpd and suffer with depression a lot and since I've been married her drinking has become a lot worse and it has effected my depression much more.
We live out the way you see
And I can't drive so I can't go anywhere unless she takes us out and she prioritises drink on her days off. I worked it out that I've left the house other than the school run with is a hop skip n a jump from my door
2 times in 22 days
And it's getting really frustrating.
I clean up make tea and lay in my bed when the kids r at school
Nothing else to do
I'm depressed

So lately last few months it goes like this
She drinks about 2-6 per night mon - Thursday and the Friday- Sunday it's 8-12
She doesn't eat until she has had a drink
So she finishes work at 5:30 through the week
Weekends she will open one at 8am
She drinks then eats then sleeps then wakes up really angry and takes it out on me
Her temper is awful her tongue is vile
I've been called all the names under the sun
She leaves me wel threathens to leave me all the time and comes back or turns it round and refuses to leave
It's never her fault
I'm to blame because of the way I am

I don't know what to do?
I've spoken to her today after work she hadn't had a drink she was in pain because she wasn't drinking
She admitted she has a problem with drink
Then later on the iron fell on me and I was crying she was asking if I was ok and I snapped because I was in so much pain and crying
Well it caused world war three she tried to smash my sons tablet up
She doesn't have a drink problem now 😯
It's me
She packed a bag after throwing the fruit bowl over my kitchen and waking my oldest child up
Minutes later returned to begged me not to kick her out but by this point I'd had enough and I told her I was scared and she needed to leave
I thought she was going to hit me
She said if she left she will never see me again
She left
Minutes later she bagging my door down
She needs her charger

She's at her mums house my guess drinking
Ringing and texting
I've lost the best thing in my life apparently and I'll see that soon to I'm sorry I'll make it better

I'm just like wtf do I do

Someone please help me

Battleax Wed 22-Nov-17 00:52:09

It's an abusive marriage.

Speak to broken rainbow.

Battleax Wed 22-Nov-17 00:53:12

It looks like GALOP have subsumed BR;

www.galop.org.uk/domesticabuse/

Battleax Wed 22-Nov-17 00:56:58

How easy is it for you to start driving lessons or move back to civilisation?

The busier you are and the more independent you are, the less you'll brood and think you need the big bully.

Chapman198 Wed 22-Nov-17 01:04:34

I can't really afford lessons ì can't get a council house n I can't get a private house either as I don't work I don't really have many options other than make this work n fix her

Battleax Wed 22-Nov-17 01:08:16

You can't fix aggressive alcoholics.

Imagine what it's like for the children being woken by shouting and having their stuff smashed up. They don't have a choice who lives with them, they're counting on you to stop it.

Chapman198 Wed 22-Nov-17 01:10:33

Broken rainbow.?

Chapman198 Wed 22-Nov-17 01:11:40

Sorry new to this I see watch you wrote now thanks

cloudchasing Wed 22-Nov-17 01:14:03

You can't fix her. Honestly, you can't.

Chapman198 Wed 22-Nov-17 01:15:17

They love her to bits n she's not all bad I do try hard to shelter them from it but I feel so numb I don't even want to make love to her kiss her share a bed I'm fed up but on the other hand I don't want my marriage to end I don't want to give up, in sickness and in health n all that

cloudchasing Wed 22-Nov-17 01:15:47

You need to get the kids out of there. She probably will pretend to make some effort to fight you, but the drink will win over that.

She's an alcoholic, and the only person that can do anything about it is her.

Chapman198 Wed 22-Nov-17 01:23:17

So these no way she can get help n live a normal life? Shes33 surely she can't b just wrote off

cloudchasing Wed 22-Nov-17 01:31:33

Of course she can get help! But not until she admits she has a problem, which at the moment, she's not doing.

There's loads of help available, but unless she's willing to take it, you can't help her.

I'm an addict, and I know what I'm talking about.

Try to find your local AA group and they might be able to advise you x

Chapman198 Wed 22-Nov-17 01:33:53

So do you think she needs to move out while she is getting help or finish with her or
What do you think will make her sit up n listen
She doesn't want to loose us I know that

cloudchasing Wed 22-Nov-17 01:42:11

It would be better for her to move out if she's going to stop drinking.

Will she consider that though? She sounds like she's in complete denial. I wouldn't advocate her stopping dead either, it's dangerous.

First step would be the GP, I think. Could you go with her? It's a long road ahead, you know. The only way it will work is if SHE wants it.

Chapman198 Wed 22-Nov-17 01:52:15

Dangerous? Will she get more bad tempered?

cloudchasing Wed 22-Nov-17 01:56:38

No, I mean dangerous for her. Alcoholics shouldn't just stop drinking suddenly, it can cause seizures.

Chapman198 Wed 22-Nov-17 02:02:00

Oh I see
Even those she is just drinking cans of beer not spirits

cloudchasing Wed 22-Nov-17 02:08:01

She starts drinking at 8AM. That's all I need to know.

Bitchywaitress Wed 22-Nov-17 02:47:09

I've not got any practical advice for you my sweet, but remember

You did not cause this

You can not cure this

You can not control this

Please please remember this is not your fault, she has a destructive disease, just try to think how you will protect you and your DC from this. You must all come first.

Wallywobbles Wed 22-Nov-17 03:41:42

Alcoholics would need to be sober for a year before moving back in.

Sorry but I think you need to look at changing your life without her in it. You need to move somewhere somehow with proper transport and get a job and preferably learn to drive so you are never isolated again. Abuse at every level at the moment. I suspect you need to do some serious work on your self esteem.

Chapman198 Wed 22-Nov-17 04:08:09

Really you think it's that bad?

Chapman198 Wed 22-Nov-17 04:13:09

I can't sleep
My heads killing me and I can't stop thinking about stuff
She's very good at convincing me this isn't anything serious
I worry
Did I write it too dramatically does it sound worse than it is,
What sort of person walks away from their in need partner
How Can I even do this
Where do I even start?
It's all such a huge mess
I just want to curl up and cry then sleep until it's all over

SnowyMummy Tue 05-Dec-17 03:17:01

She needs help. Medical & professional help. But to do that she has to admit she has a problem and she can not blame it on you. Not your fault.

You might not want to walk away because you married her etc but I have a little bit to share with you:

Your kids will pick up on it. It will cause issues with them. My little brothers dad is an alcoholic and even though him and my mom haven’t been together since he was born, even the few hours a month he has supervised contact with him have had a massive emotional and mental impact on the child.
We kept him sheltered as much as possible but kids aren’t stupid.. they know when something is wrong.
My mom was in a very abusive relationship with my dad and it damaged me mentally beyond repair but she was young and didn’t know what to do. She didn’t leave until he set the house on fire. We ended up with new names and lives and moving hundreds of miles away from home and family and friends. It was beyond horrible.

You need to get out of that marriage and focus on working on your own mental health. The most important thing to you right now should be your kids and then you. She can get help when she realises she needs it.

It’s not your problem to fix... but it will cause a bigger and longer lasting one if you continue to allow this to carry on. Believe me your kids know more and see more than you can ever know. I say that as an adult who lived in a very badly DA home until I was 10. I remember every horrific night. I still have nightmares and therapy to this day to deal with it.

Honestly... she’s an alcoholic and needs professional help. You need to try and get out of that situation and get your kids in a safe home environment.

Sorry if this seems a little harsh... I’m just trying to explain this as best as I can without bubble wrapping the truth.

laudanum Tue 05-Dec-17 04:28:48

This is absolutely alcoholism, and as with any addiction, it takes time to fix and deal with. Her outbursts are indicative that it's escalating and will undoubtedly worsen if not tackled head on. If you are unable to remove yourself and the kids from your home, then if she's going to get better, she is the one that needs to leave for a while for your safety and the kids. She will have to stop drinking permanently, there will be no having the odd one here and there, it has to be completely removed from her life.

If she refuses to get help then you might need to involve the authorities if she is putting everyone at risk. Recovery from alcoholism is definitely possible, but it's lifelong and won't be easy. I know this seems harsh, but it's reality I'm afraid.

I'm speaking from two perspectives, one of helping an ex overcome his drinking and drug abuse, and also studying addiction as part of my uni degree. Whilst i'm very fortunate not to have suffered it myself, living alongside it for a long time taught me a lot. When people start getting violent, you can't afford to take risks.

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