I'm sorry for bothering you with such a moronic problem. I would be really grateful for your thoughts, though.
I'm 35 years old and 9 weeks pregnant (v much not planned). I just can't believe this has happened; I'm meticulous. It feels like a punishment for all the times I silently doubted friends who suffered "accidents" in the past. The dad will be so angry and I don't know how I am going to tell him. I have been seeing him for nearly 2 years but our relationship has always been about having a fun, light-hearted time - we are both divorced and it has been a sort of happiness therapy. I really feel like I have broken his trust and ruined what we had. Once I tell him it can never be as it was and I feel so sad about that.
But my real question is whether I ought to be a mum at all. I sense my tone here comes across as flippant, because I can't really process the magnitude, but I do understand that I'm talking about creating another human person. If a woman is literally pregnant and still not sure that she wants/will be able to love a child, is there any chance that giving birth will create the certainty or is it more likely that I will end up a dutiful but unhappy mother to a poor helpless thing that didn't ask to exist?
I don't feel as freaked out about being pregnant as I might have expected but I still don't have a maternal bone in my body. It feels quite uncomfortable and I am worried that I am getting fat. I don't think I will make a good mum because of narcissistic thoughts like this. Also, lots of my friends have toddlers and, honestly, I dislike them (as they are now - I am sure they will grow into fine people). I know they are only small and it is a natural developmental stage to behave the way they do but I just don't think I could cope with it. So, just pressing the re-set button seems like the right thing to do but I am worried that I might get to 50 and wish I had young adults around to talk to. I think my parents quite like socialising with me now (narcissism again!) but I'm not sure if they would still have me if they had their time over. Maybe it's not worth it.
I see how much people love their children but there's a total logical disconnect for me. Why do people rave about parenthood? It looks like such hard work and so terrifying and basically I think I am too selfish to manage. I can imagine going completely insane. Particularly since the dad definitely won't be helping out in any practical way and I don't have family of my own to help out.
Sorry for rambling on. If you could just tell me "having a child is actually great, one is small and v portable and we're all exaggerating about the drudgery part", that would actually be perfect : )
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Not sure about being a mum (so perhaps I'm too selfish?)
3 replies
totalidiotapparently · 12/04/2017 16:20
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