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Not sure about being a mum (so perhaps I'm too selfish?)

(4 Posts)
totalidiotapparently Wed 12-Apr-17 16:20:39

I'm sorry for bothering you with such a moronic problem. I would be really grateful for your thoughts, though.

I'm 35 years old and 9 weeks pregnant (v much not planned). I just can't believe this has happened; I'm meticulous. It feels like a punishment for all the times I silently doubted friends who suffered "accidents" in the past. The dad will be so angry and I don't know how I am going to tell him. I have been seeing him for nearly 2 years but our relationship has always been about having a fun, light-hearted time - we are both divorced and it has been a sort of happiness therapy. I really feel like I have broken his trust and ruined what we had. Once I tell him it can never be as it was and I feel so sad about that.

But my real question is whether I ought to be a mum at all. I sense my tone here comes across as flippant, because I can't really process the magnitude, but I do understand that I'm talking about creating another human person. If a woman is literally pregnant and still not sure that she wants/will be able to love a child, is there any chance that giving birth will create the certainty or is it more likely that I will end up a dutiful but unhappy mother to a poor helpless thing that didn't ask to exist?

I don't feel as freaked out about being pregnant as I might have expected but I still don't have a maternal bone in my body. It feels quite uncomfortable and I am worried that I am getting fat. I don't think I will make a good mum because of narcissistic thoughts like this. Also, lots of my friends have toddlers and, honestly, I dislike them (as they are now - I am sure they will grow into fine people). I know they are only small and it is a natural developmental stage to behave the way they do but I just don't think I could cope with it. So, just pressing the re-set button seems like the right thing to do but I am worried that I might get to 50 and wish I had young adults around to talk to. I think my parents quite like socialising with me now (narcissism again!) but I'm not sure if they would still have me if they had their time over. Maybe it's not worth it.

I see how much people love their children but there's a total logical disconnect for me. Why do people rave about parenthood? It looks like such hard work and so terrifying and basically I think I am too selfish to manage. I can imagine going completely insane. Particularly since the dad definitely won't be helping out in any practical way and I don't have family of my own to help out.

Sorry for rambling on. If you could just tell me "having a child is actually great, one is small and v portable and we're all exaggerating about the drudgery part", that would actually be perfect : )

KingLooieCatz Wed 12-Apr-17 16:35:05

Wishing I had better words of wisdom but might at least bump you and someone wiser will come along.

For starters I'm concerned that you expect the dad to be angry and you think you have betrayed his trust. What's that about? Unless you pretended to take the pill and secretly flushed it away, or scraped some ejaculate up and turkey basted it in. I think you need to sort your head a little on that, if you approach him on the basis that you have anything to apologise for you're off on the wrong foot.

No one can predict how you will feel about your baby or how you will find parenting. Children over your own are very different to those of other people though. We're just biologically designed to have an instinct to mother them. You get to grow along with them as well. That said, yes, small children can be exhausting. They're all different, some are easier than others and some parents find it easier/harder than others.

I have a couple of friends who have no children and probably never will and I would never be one to harp on about missing out on motherhood.

Hugs, you have big decisions and no one can tell you what the future holds either way.

Hayleyx Wed 12-Apr-17 16:48:26

Hello I do feel for you in this position, I think you have been blessed with a opportunity that some people unfortunately struggle to have or cannot have at all, defiantly think about it carefully but make the right decision for you, you will have to be 100% committed as pregnancy is hard work and obviously having children is too but very rewarding at the same time.
if your partner won't be there for you then it's his loss don't be scared about being a single mum, saying that he could surprise you. You probably should talk to him as he should have a say too in what the future holds for this baby? Don't blame yourself for getting into this situation, it takes two! He should be going through this with you. Hope this helps a little bit flowers
lots of love xx

totalidiotapparently Thu 13-Apr-17 09:52:02

Thank you both for being kind, I really appreciate it. I keep going round in circles (and still haven't told him, Easter will be fun).

It's not helpful that pregnancy seems to have made me really irritable. I can't imagine loving a child at the moment, just being really annoyed with him/her. And every mother I know seems so angry all the time but perhaps I seem angry too and just haven't noticed!

I know it's just one of those concepts that can't be explained, only experienced. I wish someone could explain the magic too me. I'm worried I will never be ready to come second in my own life. Perhaps that is the answer!

It's annoying that I can't be a dad because I reckon I'd be better at that.

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