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Husband vs family

(16 Posts)
user1484612103 Tue 17-Jan-17 08:22:07

Anyone else very close to their family and your husband just doesn't understand/get it?

We live about 1.5 hours away from my family and whilst I know, and knewwhen we got married, that we would never move closer, I'd love to be able to see my mum regularly and have that support.

My husband just doesn't get it (he's close to his family but doesn't need to see them regularly) and it's always such an ordeal when I say I want to go home or want my mum up, or my sisters to say. I'm not talking every day or week, perhaps every 3 weeks, or just the ease to be able to say "mums coming over next week."

He has a very possessive mother who can't let go of her golden boy or "rock" (she has a husband!) and I wonder if this is the issue. He's so terrified of upsetting her because she makes him feel guilty (very needy, clingy woman who has always been no.1 in her family and now can't let go of her son). He bangs on about equality, i.e. if my family see our daughter, we then have to get his parents over. I just don't think that's always realistic or maintainable? I'm a woman who is close to her mum, who has just had a baby and wants that support from her mum/family..am I odd!?

BackforGood Tue 17-Jan-17 23:33:36

Does your Mum come and stay, or come for the day?
I think that makes a massive difference.

How old is the baby?

Do you have a car, so you can go to them on alternate occasions, or meet half way somewhere?

user1484612103 Wed 18-Jan-17 04:10:45

She usually comes to stay but my husband has said he doesn't get why she doe as she could come up in a day. Thing is, if I go and meet her somewhere for a day, we've then got to arrange seeing his mum and dad. I just don't think it's realistic to try and match all the time!? We do have a car, I can't drive though currently learning.

user1484612103 Wed 18-Jan-17 04:12:30

Also, our daughter is 14 weeks

Fishface77 Wed 18-Jan-17 04:46:55

He's a cunt.
He's trying to control you and your relationships.
It will get worse.

YokoUhOh Wed 18-Jan-17 04:54:52

She's a narcissist, his only concern is her, not you or your baby.

You have a huge DH problem here.

YokoUhOh Wed 18-Jan-17 04:58:14

OP you are entitled to see your mum as often as you like, btw, without having to reciprocate. and I would be staying this as fact to DH.

mirokarikovo Wed 18-Jan-17 05:17:28

Both you and your DH are being a bit weird about this tbh.

Both of you are failing to recognise that when you use the words "my family" now it is supposed to primarily mean you yourself, your DH and your daughter.

The wider extended family on both sides are obviously also family but decisions about who to see when and for how much time should obviously take into account how they will make you, DH and DD feel. Relatives who are lovely and who you all enjoy seeing - you try to see them lots. Relatives who make one or other of you feel stressed, criticised and unhappy you see as little as possible (even if that same person is lovely to the other of you) because you are a team and you back each other up. Your presence is not a resource that has to be shared about equally.

BoneyBackJefferson Thu 19-Jan-17 18:08:33

Fishface77
He's a cunt.
He's trying to control you and your relationships.
It will get worse.

But its the OP that is trying to stop the DH seeing his family?

WalkingDownTheRoad Thu 19-Jan-17 18:19:46

No it's not - it's the OP's DH who moans about her seeing her DM and says she must see his family if she sees her mum to make things 'fair'.

WalkingDownTheRoad Thu 19-Jan-17 18:24:23

As I read it he doesn't actually want to see his family very often, but wants to see them if OP sees her mum, purely because she has seen her mum so she must then see his family.

OP - you can see your mum as often as you like. You are not obliged to see his family because you've seen your own. I disagree with the pp who says that you should not see anyone either one of you doesn't like.

Your DH does sound controlling. Is he controlling in other ways.

By the by my sis visits my DP quite regularly with her DC but without her dh. DPs and her DH get on fine but she wants the support of visiting them and staying over with the DC, and she does - its fine and perfectly natural.

user1484612103 Thu 19-Jan-17 18:44:44

WalkingDownTheRoad - he's not controlling in other ways, no. In general he's a great husband and father BUT this one part about me being close to my family and wanting to see them, especially my mum is the crux of all our arguments. I'm very close to my mum and would love to have her come and stay and be a big part of my daughters life without the hassle of my husband getting p'd off, or without then having to arrange to see his parents and narcissistic mother!! It doesn't help he's on paternity leave until march...once he's back to work, I'm going home regularly!!

Fruitboxjury Thu 19-Jan-17 19:04:56

Do you think it could be your mother who is actually the controlling one OP? Does she put pressure on you to come and stay or go visit so regularly? What are her expectations about being a mother and grandmother and do you think she's trying to enforce these in any way?

I can understand why you like her help, it makes your life easier and you enjoy it, but does she discount his need for personal space and see her relationship with you as being superior to his?

If the answer is yes to any of those questions then it's understandable why your DH doesn't want her around very much. I think her personality is as important a factor in this as your DH.

Personally I don't think these situations ever end well unless they're nipped in the bud. Your family is the three of you now and whatever choice you make needs to be made and presented as a united front. There has to be compromise, I don't thinks it's unfair of him in the slightest to ask that as a compromise for you spending more time with your mum, you also spend some time with his (as should he).

Why is he on paternity leave until March, was it time you were planning to spend at home together? Again he probably feels a bit intruded on, I probably would as well unless the visiting family was someone I really liked, and yiucsnt force them to like each other. Good luck

user1484612103 Thu 19-Jan-17 19:34:19

Fruitboxjury - my mum is very aware of not intruding and is a very laid back character. She's never put any pressure to come and stay or demands on a relationship with her granddaughter. His mother on the other hand, is manipulative and needy and can't let go of her son (openly says she's going to be the mother in law from hell and asks my DH if he's now going to forget now he's married..!)

I take your point about DH feeling intruded on during his paterntiy leave (his company have a scheme in place to give equal opportunities to new mothers and fathers so he's taken extended pat leave) so hopefully when he's back at work he won't take umbrage with me visiting family when he's out at work..fingers crossed!

I just want two things...1) to see my mum more than every 5/6 weeks and 2) for his mum to stop being a manipulative narcissist who calls my daughter "her little girl" ALL THE TIME..!!

BackforGood Thu 19-Jan-17 21:18:56

Unnecessarily harsh first couple of replies - some people on MN seem to only see an extreme. OP is new to MN and has come for a liitle advice, very early on in the life of her little girl. Calm down people!

OP I can understand your dh not wanting his MiL staying over month after month - I wouldnt either. She's not horrible (my MiL), but it's hard work having anyone staying in your home, which should be a place to relax.

I can see both sides of him saying that both Grandma's are your little one's Grandmother, too. Can he not take her round there for an hour on a regular basis while he is on leave? That's a massive amount of leave - I don't see why, at the moment, that's not an option?
Equally, I understand that you feel more comfortable spending time with your own Mum - I think that's only natural. However, the reality is (if I've understood correctly) that his Mum is local and yours isn't. When you don't live 'down the road' from grandparents, you can still have a lovely relationship with them, it's just different from a local grandparent. If you drove it would be easily resolvable, but you havent passed your test yet so you are at a disadvantage there. Is it possible for you to go and stay with your Mum for 3 days or so rather than her always invading your space.?

user1484612103 Thu 19-Jan-17 22:44:40

BackforGood - thank you, and yes was just after a bit of advice and to get other points of view! I'm hopefully going to have passed my driving test in a couple of months so that should help.

I can see now that having mum to stay every few weeks might be difficult for DH. I guess it's just something we need to work around and compromise on etc. I also think my issues with my MIL are a whole different thread as she's an absolute nightmare!!

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