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I want a second child but hubby's doesn't really..

(14 Posts)
emmastone90 Fri 13-Jan-17 07:36:11

Hi there,
I'm new here but hoping someone can help me as google isn't helping! Me and my husband have been together nearly 10 years, we are married and have an almost 3year old son. When he was born i was certain I didn't want another. My husband did. We both have siblings and at the time I just couldn't see another baby. The beginning of last year he finally said he is happy with the one so that was that. In December I started desperately wanting another. I worry my son will be lonely and have to come home to just me and his dad and have no others only his friends.I want to do the whole baby thing again and can imagine sitting with a baby in my arms playing cars or something with our son. I can imagine the sleepless nights and everything we went through. Now the problem is my husband doesn't want anymore. He said he did but because I didn't he had come to terms with having just the one and that now we are leaving it a bit late. He said he would have another if it's something I really want but I worry if he didn't enjoy it I would of made us an unhappy family and I don't want to hurt the family I've got for the sake of another child. Not matter what I think, I feel guilty. I'm hoping someone can help as I don't know what to do. Thank you in advance. X

AuntieStella Fri 13-Jan-17 07:48:16

In the nicest possible way, I think you need to sort out your thinking.

He wanted 2+ DC, but did not seek to persuade you into another one that you were not sure about, and quietly came to terms with what his family would look like.

Now you say you want another, he tells you how it's been for him, but says OK he's in, as long as it is what you want.

And now you say you don't know.

What will help you decide? Because you need to, as it seems he will respect your view either way.

emmastone90 Fri 13-Jan-17 09:45:40

Thank you for your reply.
It's my main priority to make my u band and my son happy so I should be happy that they're happy. I guess I just don't want to get to 40 and regret not having another child. My son seems to be very happy but I just keep having this image that when he's older he's all alone. No siblings to help him through.

emmastone90 Fri 13-Jan-17 20:32:56

We have talked again tonight. He said he's 35%wanting another 65%not wanting another and that the decision is 100% on me. I fear whatever decision we make will be the wrong one.

UnmentionedElephantDildo Fri 13-Jan-17 20:45:51

I think you need to work out what you really want, rather than just second guessing what others in your family think or want.

Now it might be that for all sorts of reasons you don't get want you want. But at least let that come to pass after a fair discussion. Which you don't really seem to be ready to have as you don't know what you want.

emmastone90 Fri 13-Jan-17 20:54:49

I'm sorry I'm sounding so confusing. I think Google is overpowering my own thinking and judgment. I see things like 'a second child ruined our marriage' and other things like 'you regret the children you dont have, not the ones you do'.

Christmascheerful Fri 13-Jan-17 22:35:38

Step away from Google

Even mumsnet can't tell you what's best for your family only you know. Think it through every detail. Every family is unique I might be able to afford 5 kids and not need to move get a new car or affect my finances or I may be stretching myself emotionally with 5 and decide 3 is a good number for me.

Only you and your dh can decide. You need to have a nice little chat together and look at all the outcomes and decide as a couple

emmastone90 Sat 14-Jan-17 16:58:30

Thank you for the reply. He mentions different things about the future and he said he would be happy either way. He says it's now or never so I'm hoping we can come to a decision this week.

Blu99 Mon 16-Jan-17 08:54:27

If you feel strongly that it's something you want and he's happy to have another if you are, then i would go for it. I'm sure he'll feel more strongly once you were pregnant and then it wouldn't be 65% 35% - he wanted another originally so I'm sure all his previous feelings would take over. Like previous posters have said, I would talk all aspects through and make sure you'll both be ready for the sacrifices. Stop looking elsewhere for answers and look to your husband for clarity. I'm sure together you'll make the right decision for your future.

emmastone90 Tue 17-Jan-17 07:20:43

Thank you for your replies. When I think about never having another it makes me very sad. Hubby said he is happy either way. He may not really want another but he said even from a younger age he always wanted 2 and saw himself with 2 children. Google is what makes me worry so he's told me stop googling things! He won't leave me but he probably won't be able to be as much involved in the beginning as he was with our son, because of our son. But he won't not love the baby or not want to be with him/her. He said he's happy with my decision either way but he wants me to make a decision now as at the end of the year he doesn't want to try because of the age gap. He's a wonderful father and I love him and my son so much. I don't want to waste the opportunity as I think I will regret it in 12 months or years to come.

Gallavich Tue 17-Jan-17 07:28:16

Stop googling!
If you want another, you can afford it as a family, it won't destroy any important plans you have, and he's not against the idea then go for it!

LuchiMangsho Tue 17-Jan-17 07:35:11

In the nicest possible way this is MADNESS. How can Google or strangers on the internet be the ones you base life decisions on? Did you consult Google before marrying your husband or deciding he was right for you? Conduct a mass opinion poll? I think sometimes the interconnectedness of the world means that we overthink stuff. If you want a baby, and your husband does, how on earth can the experience of total strangers whose life and circumstances you know nothing about be the critical factor? Sorry to be harsh but if you are ambivalent then be honest about WHY you are worried. Don't say 'people online say having a second child is tough.' People have found everything hard and put their thoughts online. Going to Uni. Having a baby. Marriage. Old age. Moving jobs. Changing careers. Buying a house.
It is fine to have doubts and to have questions and to think through these decisions.
And age gaps. You can't control this stuff. We wanted a 3 year one. I had a miscarriage. Then another. Today as I write my second pregnancy ended early with a preemie baby in hospital in intensive care. Would we have wanted any of this? No. Could I have legislated for it? No. Do we still deeply love our sons and think it was the right decision to have two children? A hundred times, yes.
I think you need to get to the bottom of your anxiety and decide if you want children or a CHILD and then accept you can't control every part of that process of procreating and child rearing.

emmastone90 Tue 17-Jan-17 08:01:31

OK thanks.
I just worry about every tiny detail. I worry about all the negatives that could happen that's all. Sorry to of annoyed people.

Hopelass Tue 17-Jan-17 08:32:13

I think it's a bit unfair of your husband to say the decision is 100% on you. That sort of implies that if it gets tough he can say "well it was your decision" which isn't how it should be.
My DH was not really bothered about a second child and also said it was up to me. I made sure though he was completely on board and our second son is now 3 months old (DS1 is 3yo) DH could not be more supportive and loves DS2 just as much as DS1. It's tough. It's hard work but as we could afford it and both deep down did want it, it's fine.
Basically as a previous poster said as long as your DH is properly on board, you can afford it and it's not going to majorly disrupt your life then go for it!

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