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Has anyone lost a friendship through having a baby?

(15 Posts)
Daisy2017 Sat 24-Dec-16 08:49:15

Hi all,

Looking for any shared experiences from people....

I have recently had a baby (now 6 months old).

A close friend of mine has not seen me whilst I was pregnant and more hurtfully, hasn't been to visit me and my new baby, nor has she been in touch or sent a card. I texted her when my son was born to let her know he was born and she sent a congratulations text back. Then nothing.

She got married a year or two before me and has been trying for a baby. I fell pregnant quickly after getting married so I can only think she is going through a terrible time and just can't face seeing me as she is having fertility issues.

Anyway, I sent a Christmas card and then a text to wish her a Merry Christmas and to say it would be nice to see her in the New Year, again, not even a text back.

I now wish I hadn't texted her as I feel hurt and rejected or like i've even upset her.

Has anyone else been completely blanked/rejected by a good friend after having a baby?


Perhaps not as extreme but my best friend of 20 years has seen ds 4 times in his life - he's 4.5. I've just let it go to be honest, it bothered me for a while then came to the realisation that she wants her friends to be available to her with no distractions and I don't fit in with that anymore.

Lilly948204 Sat 24-Dec-16 09:05:24

If she is struggling with fertility issues it can be very difficult to be around pregnant ladies and / or newborn babies. However I think she could have at least told you this and not just shut you out. I'd probably just not bother contacting her anymore and save yourself the upset of feeling rejected.

Cosmicglitterpug Sat 24-Dec-16 09:08:39

Yes, two in fact. Although one has picked me back up now she's pregnant. The other one was a friend from school, so one of my oldest friends. I don't really know what I can do as it doesn't look like she will have children. I was sad about it but we don't live close so it's not been difficult to gloss over it. I'm here if she needs me.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta Sat 24-Dec-16 09:22:15

I have been on the other side of this - I was the friend who disappeared when people became pregnant. No fertility issues, just that I didn't want children and couldn't fake an interest in the most important event of their lives. Plus I didn't want to offend them by refusing to hold the baby etc.

DomesticAnarchist Sat 24-Dec-16 09:42:02

Yes. I have several old friends that don't talk to me any more. They haven't said as much, of course, but it seems to be because I had my children with very little trouble.

Initially, we were the first to have kids, and we earned a lot less than them, so we couldn't join in all the big group bashes. Then when they started thinking of having children several found they had difficulty.

They've all since had children, one had adopted.

I've been so very careful at every stage to be careful about what I say and do. DS1 was (and still is) difficult, I think I didn't appear "grateful" enough for some people. I wasn't allowed to find pregnancy and DS difficult, it's never as difficult as infertility, you see. (Now, after DS2, I think I did have a bit of PND. There was no joy the first time).

I don't know how I can do the right thing. It's like I didn't earn the right to have these children. I didn't earn the right to find anything less than perfect.

I'm so sad that they won't talk to me any more. I don't know what I can do.

DomesticAnarchist Sat 24-Dec-16 09:42:57

Wow that's cathartic. It's not something you can complain about to anyone really is it?

Maverickismywingman Sat 24-Dec-16 09:48:17

I'm on the other side, and I wouldn't say I'm not their friend anymore. What I do find hard is organising to see them (because I know I really need to go to them because they have "soooo much stuff to cart around") and then only talking about babies for a whole two hours gets a bit tiresome.

I know this isn't the OPs case. And what I would say is sometimes things happen in life that cause you to outgrow your friends or change the things you have in common. It's a shame but it does just happen.

WantToRunAgain Sat 24-Dec-16 09:48:33

I was the friend going through the infertility - for years. It's an agony you can only really understand if you've been through it and even then we don't all deal with it the same way.

I shut out pregnant friends and newborns - it was just too painful and I needed to do this to protect myself. I'm not proud of it but I was a mess.

Try to focus on all the friends you have who can enjoy your baby as much as you are, and just maintain sporadic contact with this friend until she's ready to pick up the friendship again. Or accept that the friendship is not going to survive such a painful life experience.

Congrats on your son btw flowers

5000candlesinthewind Sat 24-Dec-16 09:50:20

Loads of them. I had my first baby when all my friends were still at uni and enjoying the party life style.

Sorry to hear about your 'friend', it's an awful feeling isn't it

BestZebbie Sat 24-Dec-16 10:03:33

Not in a dramatic way, but I only do a subset of my previous hobbies post-baby so I lost touch with various acquaintances that I saw weekly but only at the hobby. On the flip side, I now know new people at baby groups etc.

TheLegendOfBeans Sat 24-Dec-16 10:41:05

My "best" friendship massively went awry when I had my baby this year in Feb and literally only a few days ago did we "talk it out" and feel normal again for the first time in ages.

It's hard for the friends who don't have children as they don't understand a 10mo baby on a train for 90mins with two bus rides at either end is NOT FEASIBLE. You have to request they travel to you most times.

if friends have fertility issues it can make it twice as hard. The misery of infertility is simply not understandable by those who've had children and that can really change things.

But above all I think there needs to be greater understanding on the part of friends who've not got kids as having a first baby is such a headfuck you need your mates to stand strong and by you so you can remember what "normal" feels like.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta Sat 24-Dec-16 10:53:08

Legend Actually lots of childfree people DO understand that you can't schlepp over the country with a baby - childfree doesn't equal stupid grin

And I think the only way for it to work is for understanding on both sides - a parent has to realise that while their life revolves their PFB, it's often mind numbing for a non-parent particularly if they don't want to hold your baby for hours and coo over them.

It's easier to be friends with those who already have children as they tend to be able to maintain a friendship. I think there is a lot of expectation sometimes that the childfree friends will want to interact with the baby etc but it's not always the case.

And I'm not a party person or someone who jets off everywhere before that cliche comes out - just less than interested in listening to stories of cracked nipples, broken sleep and baby sick grin

Mfr14 Sat 24-Dec-16 11:13:14

I've been on the other side of this, my "best friend" dropped me when she had a baby, we'd been friends since we were kids and I was there for her all through her pregnancy but as soon as the baby came she didn't have time for me and went out of her way to not include me. I've still no idea why (I joke now that it was because I wasn't part of the "mummy club" yet) and we no longer talk. People change when they have children and people's view of you change when you have children.

Daisy2017 Sat 24-Dec-16 16:30:17

Thank you for all your replies. Gives me more understanding into this and also how she might be feeling.

@wanttorunagain - that makes sense that you would want to protect yourself from something that would be painful. I do understand that and thank you for this insight and thanks for your kind message.

I guess it's when it's so painful no words can explain it and it's not easy to say why you are hurting and much easier to ignore someone. Although I would rather she just fobbed me off and then never saw me rather than completely blank my message.

I won't contact her again. She knows where I am and if she then feels like contacting me in the future I will have to see how I feel.

I guess it's sad but part of life.

Anyway Merry Christmas everyone.

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