Alcoholism and split(7 Posts)
I'm a male and looking some advice. I am 37 and have recently split from my wife, the main factor in this being the fact that I am an alcoholic (I had been drinking 8 -10 beer per night and probably more on weekends) I am what would be described as a high functioning alcoholic, I got up and went to work in the morning and all the bills etc were paid and paid on time.
My wife left after one of many arguments just over a month ago. She says she had been unhappy for years and had been shielding my step daughter and son from my drinking and moods following drink - I would stress there has never been any violence in our relationship.
There have been issues with dsd ref use of alcohol and drugs - and when she wasn't behaving I may have gone too far in trying to get her to behave (possibly grounding for too long, not speaking to her, or blcompletely banning her from the internet). I have also been grumpy when not drinking the following day. Dsd is now 19 and recently dropped out of university (since, but not related to split with dw)
We also have a son who is ten years old. I also would have been in moods with him or been quick to anger when he did things which he shouldn't (kicking football in house etc)
OH has said that she has been unhappy and hasn't loved me for years, but in the other hand says that she does care for me and the final straw was over her going guarantor for a flat for dsd which I was not happy about (daughter isn't even named on flat lease)
Following split from OH I have enrolled in a recovery programme, they couldn't take me straight away and I immediately started in AA, I am sober today and have been for the past month.
The issue is OH won't take me back, I know I can't expect it straight away or possibly ever but was just wondering if any of you have been through similar and if there is anything I can do....I love my wife and would do ANYTHING to get her back, however she will not do anything to work towards it, won't think of marriage counseling, refused Al anon, and won't even consider going for coffee.
I'd appreciate any advice good or bad, as I say I'm in recovery, have a better relationship with my son and am trying to build bridges with step daughter.
Firstly well done for what you have achieved - the hardest part is acknowledging the issue and seeking help.
Having been in a similar position to your wife ( I left my fiancé due to alcohol with my ds and our dd) I would say give it time. A month to you is a long time and you have achieved a lot in a short space of time. However the damage to your relationship will have been over a long period of time, your wife will be going through a large amount of emotions and she will be protecting herself from future hurt. She will also be trying to protect the children from any further upheaval and confusion.
All I can say is keep at it - recognising the problem is main issue, and you have done it and want to make a change. That is so important. My ex although he went for help only did it cos I told him there was a problem, but he couldn't really see it and still doesn't.(cos you know he goes to work and pays the bills and isn't one of those homeless people drinking in car parks) So obviously is still drinking huge amounts....
the longer you can keep helping yourself and doing well abstaining then maybe she will become more open to counselling etc - one thing at a time. There is no short term solution to this...... You have to prove you want to change and be the person she fell in love with again. That cannot be done in a month!
Good luck to you - I think you are doing great. There are lots of places that can help you - what recovery programme have you enrolled in?
The programme is a local charity one with a large number of recovering alcoholics. I don't want to say the name as it would reveal the area I am in, suffice to say they had a three week wait for assessment, and you had to be sober for a week before going.
Of course being an alcoholic I initially took this as being I had two weeks to get as much drink into me as possible. After a week I decided enough was enough and went (alone) to my first AA meeting, tough but glad I did it
Well done 😄
Have you been to your GP at all? They can help you access help. Whether it be your local drug and alcohol service (not as scary as it sounds) or cbt/talking therapies. These could be useful in conjunction with the recovery programme? Identifying habits and routines in which you have a drink is also a useful thing to do. So if you went to pub on way home from work for a pint, change your route, or mode of transport, or go to gym/shopping straight from work that kind of thing.
Don't know how much you have read up about ways of stopping drinking, but there are medications that can stop you craving. They obviously only work if you take the tablets though. Where I am only the drug and alcohol service can prescribe them, not gps, but maybe something to keep in mind.
Good luck, it's gonna be a long road and a windy one too - but take it one step at a time. Focus on the most important things first - yourself and your relationship with your son.
Exactly what I'm doing, had a row with the OH last night, more about me wanting to go for coffee to try and sort things and her saying no, when I say a row there were no raised voices (learning to control my anger and respond rather than react. Nearly went and got drunk after that but stopped and went to AA meeting instead.
OH is happy to contact when son needs looked after etc, but doesn't engage otherwise. Seems to only contact when wants something.....,and it's a bit confusing, makes me think should I stop making it so easy or should I just go along with it in the hope of being a doormat shows a change. Confused!!!!!!
OH is saying the whole split is hard for her too, but she is forcing the issue and won't do anything towards fixing it, in the meantime I'm out of the family home paying rent, maintenance trying to sort drinking out....,idk maybe I deserve a bit of pain for what I put family through. Sorry for rant
I think your best answer is time, time and more time. It's a family sickness, as you'll have heard in AA, and she will need to recover from her codependency too for any meaningful relationship, with you or anyone, in the future.
Keep working at your sobriety as if your life depends on it, let the months pile up, and you'll find the wisdom to handle when and why she contacts you, how to manage your money situation and whether your marriage is salvageable.
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