Newly single soon to be mother

[ashleyjane]

Hi,

My boyfriend of 6 years and myself found out we were pregnant earlier this year. It wasn't planned, just happened and at the start he was all excited to start a new chapter of our lives. I was 6 weeks gone when we found out. 3 weeks afterwards (9 weeks pregnant) he decides he no longer wants to be in a relationship with me and left me. With this I've had to pack up the flat we had together all on my own as he moved back into his mums, and I've had to move back into mums and sleep on a sofa bed as I have no where else to go.

He said he still wants to be in the baby's life but since he left me i hear from him only when there is a scan or appointment so he can tag along but does not stay in contact with me to discuss the upbringing of our child.

Now we have split the circumstances for the upbringing of our baby have changed obviously now I'm a single mum with a new born. I don't want the baby being passed from house to house constantly as a newborn which he is expecting to happen and won't listen to me when I say the baby needs stability and routine, am I right to say that?

I am now 21 weeks pregnant and he is going on about rights as a father, I am not sure what this all entails? We are not married and as I said I've been on my own since 9 weeks pregnant....

Anyone got some advice or tips? Thank you

[user1474892200]

I went through a similar situation early on in my pregnancy (my DS is now 12wks) and my best friend separated from her husband when her son was 2months old, so can sort of empathise. Me &my OH ended up reconciling, so different in that respect but I think I can offer a bit of advice.

Firstly, no a newborn baby should not be "passed around" between different households. Particularly if ur breastfeeding, that will be virtually impossible. U can decide on visiting times/days that u think r reasonable and work for u and let ur ex know.

Secondly, I'm pretty sure that he doesn't have many "rights" unless you allow him to register the baby with you. Otherwise - as you're not married, he doesn't get automatic rights as a father. Check this out. www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities/who-has-parental-responsibility

Finally, once u have ur baby ur ex will fade in to insignificance. It won't be easy at first, u'll need a strong support network - friends and family but it will be fine as long as you look after yourself and your baby.
Also you'll make so many new friends along the way as long as you put yourself out there.
Always put u and ur baby first and just keep trying to move forward and not look back. Good luck.

[user1470043860]

Don't let him talk you out of going to the CSA and getting a regular payment from him.

[LunaWeaselton]

Fully agree with User. Encourage Visits and all but I wouldn't let my baby out of my sight. You know him best and trust me it will be stressful but you need to try to anticipate your future situation . I'm more US law inclined but he only gets certain rights if you register the birth with him . If you feel like you can take care of your child with a support support system then don't set yourself up to get custody disputed later.

[ashleyjane]

Thank you ladies.
Everything has just been so stressful lately I can't think straight with everything that is going on.
I have just also found out he cheated on me before we broke up when I was pregnant and now in a relationship with this girl which changes things with me in terms of the baby for me :(

[MoominKitten]

What a shit.

Sorry you have had that. But at least you found out before the baby comes.

Agree that you should be careful about putting him on birth certificate. You also cannot be bundling a newborn hither and thither. See how he goes with visits, CSA etc. You may find that a new woman on the go, he is not engaged/involved with the baby. Don't stand in his way about seeing the baby, but let him gradually earn a significant place in your child's life. If he doesn't behave in a reliable and trustworthy way, then don't try to force him to do more (except via CSA). If he wants to be in the baby's life properly and do the work that entails, you'll know from his actions. Don't be obstructive, but don't bend over backwards either.

[LunaWeaselton]

I'm really sorry that happened to you .Please try to take care of yourself and make yourself happy .
I'm about 3 weeks further along than you so I can imagine the toll this is taking on you . Do what's important for you to work through this so you can have some room and strength for little one .
It won't be easy but a few years down the line , you will be proud of yourself .
Be strong .

[BellaOfTheBalls]

Oh OP. What an arse he is.

Can you go to the council and see if they can house you? You would be high priority given baby etc. Agree with everything said above, visits with a newborn need to be on your terms, especially if breastfeeding. If he wants to be on the birth certificate he will need to attend the registrars office with you and do not give the baby his surname. DH & I were not married when we had DC's and the registrar talked to me very sternly about giving them DH'a surname, but I can't for the life of me remember why, I think it gives him additional rights in family courts or something.

[ashleyjane]

Yeah I've been onto the council for a house but haven't heard anything yet, phone every week to see if anything but still waiting.

I've been trying to keep my chin up and get on with it but it's all starting to get to me :( I have a good support of friends and family around me which have helped me so much.