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I'm new need advise and feel like giving up on life at the moment!

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Thismumsstruggle Thu 21-Jul-16 10:38:19

Okay guys here goes this is a little long so please bear with me and thank you for your patience.
A little history. Im a young mum of 3 and another on the way.. I was in an abusive relationship from the age of 15 with my first free childrens father.
I in the mist of all that suffered a nasty heart Infection resulting in me nearly loosing my life. I had open heart surgery to save me. I now have a mechanical valve and I'm on no end of Medication.
I left him (took me a while) was extremely happy was so liberating. I've suffered alot over the years and hide some horrendous secrets.
Anyway fast forward to now. I'm with my now finance and we have a little girl on the way.. Currently 24 weeks pregnant. This is where I need advice. I don't know whether I've moved from one abusive relationship to another or I'm being silly. Up untill recently I worked a full time job as a nurse 4 shifts a week. Child care was horrendous and I had to drop my hours drastically because their father wasn't helping and I was stressed. My partner helps but he works full time too. Then my coil failed and here we are I'm pregnant. Now this is an extremely high risk pregnancy. So much so I've recently suffered a heart attack and only just been released from hospital under instructions to take it easy. This heat isn't helping and being a full time mum is bloody stressful atm. It isn't normally. Anyway I'm now not working until after the baby.
Here it is me and my partner are constantly arguing so much so I'm left feeling empty alone and confused. He is always and I mean always picking on the kids behaviour for every little thing. They can't put a foot out of line now one bit of dirty washing on their bedroom floor they are 3-6-8 just turned. He argues with my 8 year old the most.. And I mean it turns into a full blown screaming match whereby I have to intervene. Then I get told I'm undermining him and a 8 year shouldn't have an opinion he should be quite listen to the adult and is turning into his dad. Why you ask? Because he bounced about on the sofas a bit too much and didn't eat his lettuce. Then my 8 year old looses it and completely lashes out and makes a mess of his room. He has a bit of an obsession with thier father. He can't quite understand why I still send them there every second weekend when he was an abusive arse. He doesn't get the being abusive to me is different to the children and unfortunately that isn't my decision to make and as long as he is looking after the children the course won't rule against it infact they'll probably grant him more time and make MY life a miserable mess. Every time they go there he questions them about what went on and yes I get it. My ex is a racist, dole dossing scum who doesn't pay a dime for his kids and i hate it. He constantly wants me to text him though warning him about what goes on at his house and providing and money and expects me to make him pay. How? I can't change him can I. He says he won't ever pay half the bills ect and put in to this household as much when their father isn't. Although he does come home from work and constantly buys them things. (i can't afford because I'm paying all the bills and my wage is less than his given the circumstances) they love him for it but then he complains saying why should he if he won't. He always complain when the kids accidently break things. They once broke a cheap photo frame and yea I punished them correctly. But he threw a fit and said you do what the hell you want at your dads but dont wreck my house. My youngest (3) drew on his wall a little. I put him in time out. My partner threw another fit and said he isn't f*** painting the walls again. Atm I feel a little helpless and yeah I let them get away with a bit more but only because I'm porly and not at full strength atm. But this is all the time. From the moment he comes home from work to the time he leaves. It's small things like not using enough shower gel. Using too much shower gel. It's the house is a bomb what are you a tramp ( it's not if you came over you wouldn't think I had three boys) it's don't touch those cars on your window ledge they are for show. Then there's me.. I can't work atm and I sometimes struggle to get up with all my medication ect. So I haven't been making the house as clean as normal and sometimes I leave a few clothes in the wash basket. But if he doesn't come home to all the phone calls made, tea cooked, house clean, kids changed in old clothes outside playing with toys he has said they should play with I'm in trouble. I can't breathe. We have no relationship anymore. He never offers to take me out for lunch. He always makes plans once a month with his friends. If not more. Always on his phone. I'm lucky to get a conversation out of him other than how bad my ex is or how the kids need a behaviour check. Intimacy has gone to once a fortnight if I'm lucky on his terms. I know he doesn't have time for an affair but I do know he was using porn. I'm so stressed atm and I'm at a loss. He bought me tickets to go see my favourite singer for my birthday and obviously given my illness can't go. He got a refund and said oh we'll do something if there is something you want I'll get it for you. I don't like asking because he makes me feel like I don't deserve it and he does too much already. I did spend 200 pound on him for his birthday. In an argument though I did freak and throw it in his face. His reaction was. Well I didn't think you would want it because you don't like celebrating your birthday. Like wow I said I don't like ageing. I don't know what to do or even if this relationship is worth saving I'm at a total loss and scared of being a single mum of four atm because I know at 30 weeks I'll be admitted into hospital for bed rest. What will I do. If i stay with him hell say they aren't spending over 2 weeks at their dads and he will complain the whole time they are a handful. But without I won't see my babies I'm so stuck. Plus every time I've asked him to leave he says. So I should be homeless and you get the cooker washer ect I payed for. Give me my money and I'll leave. I don't know what to do. Advice please?

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