Aibu not to drive children all the way home.

(14 Posts)
Wrenniecat1970 Tue 21-Jun-16 20:33:35

Background. Am divorced from children's Dad. Was amicable but not any more. Children live with Dad term time for continuation of education in exceptional Schools and no other reason. We are both pro active hands on all round very good parents. Our children mean the world to us both.

I am happily remarried. Children get on well with hubby but he's never been promoted as a replacement parent as there is no need.

Enter ex husbands new wife. Very nice lady and children get on well with her. However, ex husband has put it to the children she is now as important a mother to them as me. It's just gone over their little young heads so I'm not thst bothered. It's his trestmrnt of me that's caused so many problems. We finally ended up in court and the magistrates took the line ex husband was behaving poorly and basically reinstated my rights as the children's mother. I now have more say in the children's lives because the courts basically told him off. . All good for me but I imagine ex husband is mad as a box of frog.

Fast forward. Ex husband has asked that the children spend a weekend with him during the summer holidays while they are with me. I have agreed to the request as it's for something the children will enjoy. Previous to the court case there would have been no request. The children would have been with held as he's done numerous time in the past.

At present I do 75 per of the driving to swop the children between our two homes. We live 80 miles apart so that's a lot of driving when you consider I make at least 6 round trips a month.

So I have agreed to the weekend but asked that ex husband drive to my home to collect the children. I will then drive to his home on the Sunday ( a journey I would not have to have done otherwise) to bring them back to my home. To be honest I have suggested this as he'd only refuse to return them to me anyway.

He has said no and demands I do both legs of the trip. I said no as that's unfair ( he's pushed me about a lot in the past like this which is why I asked to go to court).

Children really upset as he's now told them the only reason they cannot do the fun thing ( my son has put a lot of work into preping for this activity) is that I won't co operate. Yes, I can tell children it's not my fault but all they will remember is that the grown ups basically messed up yet another child hood mile stone. I'm ready to give in and agree to the driving. Discussed this with my husband who went ballistic. Literally mental. He's at the end of his tether with my ex husband demands and has literally forbidden me to drive the children to their Dad's home. We also spent a lot of money in court to end this kind of behaviour and in my husbands eyes and he feels we have bent over enough. My husband has watched me despair cry and fall into depression at the continued manipulation of my ex and his use of the children as a bargaining chip. I can see his point of view.

What do I do? If I drive the children both legs of the journey I am not being loyal to my husband... Who's not normally an unreasonable man by any means. If I stick to my guns ( sort of against my will now ) my children will be left disappointed again. I think they have suffered enough upset since the divorce. I feel torn.

BeenThereDoneThatForgotten Tue 21-Jun-16 20:37:33

He comes to get them, or they don't go. End of. Don't let him do this to you.

AgentProvocateur Tue 21-Jun-16 20:48:36

^^ Agree with this.

BeenThereDoneThatForgotten Tue 21-Jun-16 20:52:09

You have to stop letting him take control using the kids. Not easy for me to say, I know.

Twowrongsdontmakearight Tue 21-Jun-16 20:52:13

I agree too. He can come and collect. Otherwise you can do something with your DC.

BeenThereDoneThatForgotten Tue 21-Jun-16 20:52:24

Easy for me, I meant....

wannabestressfree Tue 21-Jun-16 20:55:45

Stop being held to ransome. Judge reinstated your rights so I would do no more than half. You offered and he refused if you give in it sets a precedent.

peggyundercrackers Tue 21-Jun-16 20:59:22

I agree with your new partner, stop bending over for your ex and letting him use you. Explain to the children why it's not happening, don't let your ex give them his version of events all the time, all he is doing is playing mind games.

ExitPursuedByBear Tue 21-Jun-16 21:03:38

How bloody dare he demand you do both journeys.

AuntieStella Tue 21-Jun-16 21:05:00

If they stayed with XH for term time for continuation of education, then you are the one who moved away?

If so, then yes, travelling to see/pick up/drop the DC is your responsibility, as if is for any NRP who moves away.

Do not let your new DH bully you.

So he has main residency and you moved away?

I think you should probably do the travelling then.

Floralnomad Tue 21-Jun-16 21:11:06

auntiestella , as the norm that is what the OP does , the way I've read it the ex wants the DC for a weekend which is amidst the OPs time to have the DC so she is under no obligation to drive them back to him /pick them up again as in theory they should not be with him that weekend at all . Stick to your guns OP .

Wrenniecat1970 Tue 21-Jun-16 21:36:37

Thanks for replies. I totally get what people say about I am the one who moved. That's why I do 75 per cent of the driving. Can I point out though that in the divorce settlement in order thst husband could afford a new home for him and children I left the marriage with nothing. Not a penny nor a scrap of furniture. I felt guilty enough leaving even though the marriage was rotten to the core. I'm not proud I left my children behind but one has a lwarning difficulties which the school understand and accommodate and the other is in a very good grammar. I could not secure those types of places where I live. I moved the 80 miles because I had no where else to go. I live with this decision everyday but I know I did what was best for them. Not me. X

Wrenniecat1970 Tue 21-Jun-16 21:37:49

That's meant to say learning difficulties by the way ( maybe he gets it from me!).

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