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How to warn my toddler off his exploiting granny

(26 Posts)
Peeptoe2017 Mon 27-Mar-17 19:57:52

Without sounding too harsh, my mother in law is very cunning, manipulative, rude when she wants to be and two faced. However she has my husband twisted around her little finger who doesn't see the evil side to her (but I also understand it's his mum) although she annoyed me at first, now that I have 2 kids (one 2 year old and one on the way) my priorities and the whole aspect of life has changed. But I see her using her same tactics to win over my toddler and it annoys me that she will exploit the 2 year old. I would never stop my children seeing their grand parents but it pains me to see her take advantage of his innocence. I can't expect them to be smart at this small age to make up their mind but worried that they would grow up never seeing the evil side to her. Has anyone got any thoughts on this?

JiltedJohnsJulie Mon 27-Mar-17 20:07:45

Think you need to give examples of her behaviour towards your child.

ImsorryTommy Mon 27-Mar-17 20:12:35

Why would you be worried that they'd grow up never seeing the 'evil' side of her? Surely you wouldn't want them to experience that?

228agreenend Mon 27-Mar-17 20:13:31

I think you need to set boundaries for when your mil is with your toddler.

RebelRogue Mon 27-Mar-17 20:20:12

What exactly does she do? Is it mean spirited? What does she "gain" from it?
I can't really see how you can exploit or manipulate a 2yo when you cant even make them drink from a blue cup if they want the red cup.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Mon 27-Mar-17 20:21:38

Don't leave your dc with her unsupervised. .

troodiedoo Mon 27-Mar-17 20:21:49

Speaking from experience, you can't. You can stop her seeing your kids or put up with her. Attempting damage limitation will confuse them. It's an impossible situation, you have my sympathy .

Peeptoe2017 Mon 27-Mar-17 20:35:10

This is my first time on a thread and amazing how everyone takes time to reply. Humbled 🙏
So for now it's little things like.. when she is out of sight she never bothers to check up on him (even he is poorly etc) but when she sees him she would cuddle, play, show him there is no one more affectionate than her. When she is sitting down to play with him, her priority & attention is never him in fact her eyes and ears are what rest of the family is on about, never involves in any disciplining him (would never be the bad cop) but would spoil him with sweets etc without my knowledge. It's hard to explain but annoying watching her. I think it's the whole how she never involved in any aspect of his life

Peeptoe2017 Mon 27-Mar-17 20:37:04

Pregnancy fingers pressed post before I finished.

*takes or shows no interest in any aspect of his life but only wants him running after her when she is around if that makes sense.

ohforfoxsake Tue 28-Mar-17 12:08:43

I really am struggling to see how she is 'evil'.

She is affectionate and attentive when she is with him?

She is social and interacts with other family members, but also pays him attention?

She doesn't tell him off but gives him sweets (pretty standard granny stuff).

You seem this to be 'manipulative'.

If this isn't a wind up you need to take a good look at yourself. You are being extremely unkind.

JiltedJohnsJulie Tue 28-Mar-17 18:35:16

Thanks for your post but I'm still waiting for the evil and manipulative stuff. Think you forgot to put it in your reply smile

Peeptoe2017 Tue 28-Mar-17 18:46:03

Ohforfoxsake I am his mother and I am capable of differentiating affectionate, attentive,multi tasking- interacting while entertaining a child to purely 'acting' If this was all true I wouldn't have bothered asking for opinion on here.

It's hard to express the manipulation as all I see is 'pretence' when she is around him. She just wants her to be his favourite granny. How come she then never bothers when the child is out of sight or when the poor child poorly. is that pretty normal granny stuff too.

Anyway it's nice that you see the good side of live. But as a mum to watch my child being manipulated is hard. Hence I was looking for some advice from fellow mummies if they had experienced the same.

Peeptoe2017 Tue 28-Mar-17 18:54:28

JiltedJohnsJulie by manipulating i mean two faced. Is there a different word to it. And by evil I didn't mean 'evil spirited' like she does woodoo but meant in a way that she isn't genuine. If I had personal motive against her it's not hard for me to keep my child away from her but I would want my child to get the real and true affection from his grand parents and just saddened by her false pretence, that's all

ImsorryTommy Tue 28-Mar-17 18:58:15

But your DP who has known her all his life doesn't see her 'evil side'?. Is it just you who sees it?

PetalMettle Tue 28-Mar-17 18:59:43

He's 2. It's not like she's exploiting him for financial gain. As he gets older he'll make up his own mind about her (e.g. If she acts like she can't be bothered with him) although he may well be perfectly happy if she slings him sweets or cash.
I think you don't like her. If so you just need to limit the amount you see her

mando12345 Tue 28-Mar-17 19:01:09

Jeez I'm glad I'm not your Mil!

Jazzywazzydodah Tue 28-Mar-17 19:05:38

My mil is very similar - to the point I'm convinced she stole my sil dog then returned it pretending she found it to win her dc over as they were wising up to her.

She does it with her other grandsons who now see her for what she is but I've seen her play emotional blackmail games with them to the point they were in tears.

I've kept my dc at a distance purposely, I suggest you do the same.

Jazzywazzydodah Tue 28-Mar-17 19:07:25

peep have you spoke to your dh about her?

PigletWasPoohsFriend Tue 28-Mar-17 19:08:36

never involves in any disciplining him (would never be the bad cop) but would spoil him with sweets etc without my knowledge.

That's called being a GP.

I agree with pp. I'm glad I'm not your MIL.

PetalMettle Tue 28-Mar-17 19:09:55

I wouldn't want mil disciplining my son. It's my choice how and when to discipline

nursebickypegs Tue 28-Mar-17 19:31:23

You're right, your child will make up their own mind about granny when they are old enough. For now, you need to grin and bear it.

My Dad's Mum is a horrible lady. She had sole custody over my cousins, so I'd often go over and play when I was little. She would discipline me over my two cousins, give me smaller portions as I was a girl and often buy them presents in front of me. I remember once sat at the dinner table with my cousins, and my eldest male cousin punched me as we were antagonising (verbally) each other. I shouted, but I was told to eat my dinner outside and stay outside until bedtime. I was locked out. It was boiling hot august weather and got dehydrated. I was about 10, and after that I asked my parents if I could never visit her again. I didn't. My Dad intervened and she told him to go to hell.

My mum knew she was a mean lady, but understood that she had a right to see her grandchild. In some ways Mum shouldn't have sent me, but then again she would discipline the boys the same as me. I might have been more sensitive towards it as I wasn't use to her. The locking outside on a hot day was enough for me to see her true colours.

ohforfoxsake Tue 28-Mar-17 20:23:20

If she was all over him, constantly asking about him, never leaving him (or you) alone, I expect you would complain about that. You sound like incredibly hard work.

From what you've said she is far from being emotionally abusive or evil. Presumably she has her own life to lead, which doesn't centre around your DS? She sounds fine, a nana many DCs would like to have around.

You really need to get some sort of perspective on this. Your DS is the centre of your world, no one elses.

Peeptoe2017 Tue 28-Mar-17 22:34:45

Thanks ladies. Yes she isn't my favourite person but I am lucky enough to be surrounded by many great aunts, god mums, my mum to know what real love and affection is all about. I'm not wrong about my MIL as rest of the family (from my DH's side) feels exactly same about her. She has always been two faced, attention seeking, not a very genuine person. DH wouldn't challenge his mum as he is terrified of her.

But you guys could be right, I may be overly paranoid about her with my little one. May be had an 'emotional side' to her and she is true with her grandson, or I was right and may be she's not. I will try being less paranoid and see where it goes. True, she couldn't do much damage to a 2 year old but will be more careful once they are little older.

ericroland Mon 24-Apr-17 12:02:25

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Foldedtshirt Mon 24-Apr-17 12:09:07

Fitting post on a crazy thread!

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