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Children's futures in my hands and I do I know what to do for the best.

(7 Posts)
user1487861588 Thu 23-Feb-17 16:31:47

Can't cope any more. I really can't. Every day is harder and harder. Seeing the fear on the little ones faces when their big brother approaches them literally breaks my heart.
How do you chose between your own children?
It wasn't like this when children's services were providing us with his respite package, we all had a break. We got a chance to recharge. We can't do that now. We had a full assessment done, a package of care was agreed. This worked really well for us all as a family, that's until it broke down. Now we're lucky if we get the respite. It's not like I'm asking for more support, I'm asking them to provide the support we used to have, the support they agreed we needed, the support laid out in the care plan.
I'm literally exhausted, I can't even go for a wee without taking him with me. Is a regular break really to much to ask for?

Let me explain about my family I have a partner who works full time 5 days a week, I work part time 2 nights a week. We have 3 children I will call them child A,B and C. Firstly we have child A, he is 12 years old, he is registered as disabled. He has no means of communication, no common sense and no sense of danger. He is like a baby in his mind, only in reality he is a big boy! A very tall, strong and very mobile boy. We have to guess when he is hungry, thirsty, needs changing, is tired etc as he is able to communicate literally nothing. He is expressive with his face though so I can often read him quite well. Child A regularly pushes and grabs his younger brothers, my guess is that it's a communication thing and he's trying to interact with them but doesn't know his own strength or know how to interact appropriately. However to them it really hurts and they cry. You can't tell child A off or explain how to interact, he doesn't understand. We also have child B, he is 4 years old. Finally we have child C, he is 3 years old.
Saturday used to be the time when children A B and C were off school, my partner and I were off work and child A was having fun at respite for the day and night. We always used this time to take the little ones somewhere fun, to make some happy memories, so they could be centre of attention and not have to worry about being grabbed, pinched, pushed over or kicked. Or being told sorry darling mummy can't play/make cakes/go to the park I can't leave child A. They can't have toys out around child A as he throws them which can pose a major risk of injury to anyone in the room. They have to wait until the weekend to play lego, cars or train track. This is fine they are ok with this, after all it's all they know. Only now they don't get this time any more. My 4 year old recently asked me " mummy when is (child A) going to heaven" this make me cry so much. It was like someone ripped my heart out. I asked him why and he said because he can't do anything fun anymore. This was hear wrenching and when it I saw quite how much of an affect this situation is having on the younger children.
Sunday was always family day, we all stayed home and did activities. Child A is usually taken to another room to do more sensory activities while the little ones play with construction based toys, this was how it worked so well.
You may wonder why we can't take all of the children out when child A is home. We physically can't. Child A needs constant 1:1 supervision at home, out in the community he needs 2:1, their isn't enough of us.

It's now got to a point where If children's services can't give us the help they agree we need I have no choice but to put my beautiful, loving child into care. I've tried all the channels to get this support in place but no one can help, offer any support and meanwhile I'm struggling to cope. I get very little sleep and this is too draining. Is being stuck in all weekend a life for a disabled child who needs stimulation and physical activities? Is this life fair on the younger children?
What do I do? I'm not left with many options. I can't make that choice, I can't make that call. It goes against all of my maternal instincts.
However on the other hand is this any life for any of my children? What do you do when you don't know what to do for the best?

BoboChic Thu 23-Feb-17 16:35:10

However difficult it may feel right now, maybe you would all be happier if your eldest son were in care?

LIVINGorEXISTING Thu 23-Feb-17 19:19:07

I'm not sure. I think the younger children would be, it would tear me apart, I feel like I'm choosing my 'normal' children and palming off the eldest. I wouldn't wish this position on anyone. It's so hard to know what's the right thing to do x

LIVINGorEXISTING Fri 17-Mar-17 16:23:20

I asked children's services to take him today as I just can't cope anymore, they said no :-( x

AndKnowItsSeven Fri 17-Mar-17 16:28:55

Can you link to you other thread op is it in special needs? Child services need to do more am so sorry.

fishfingersfortea Fri 17-Mar-17 16:29:35

You poor thing, I don't have any experience or have anything useful to say but how awful for everyone. Where does your eldest go to school? Do they have any suggestions for further support?

Im so sorry this is happening to you and cant imagine how hard life must be.
Is your eldest child in school/care during the day? Can they offer you any help?
Ring your social worker or go to your GP and tell them that you are not coping and that you are worried about the safety of the younger children. This is not fair or right for any member of your family but they have a duty of care to those younger children too.
You have a hard decision to make regarding your eldest but remember, you are a mum of 3 and they all need you to fight for their best interest.
Good luck and sending you (((hugs)))

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