Poems By Tiggy(14 Posts)
I've always liked writing the odd rhyme now and then. You may have seen the odd one on Mumsnet. I thought I should get them down somewhere, so I started a blog.
As I work with children a lot of them are aimed at the very young. Some of my poems are definitely not suitable for anybody under 30.
There's also going to be the occasional idea for a book, such as the little animal rhymes I'm trying to do an animal alphabet out of.
Check out my blog at poemsbytiggy.blogspot.co.uk/. I'll post a few as examples.
The Honeydragon. Inspired by the poster on Mumsnet.
The Honeydragon's a fearsome beast
Its nose points west when its legs walk east
Its skin is a purple shade of brown
It runs up debts all over town
The 3 terrible horns upon its head
Fills the bravest cow with dread
Its eyes are the most shocking pink
It's breath isn't fiery but sure does stink
12 people this year have been eaten
The dragon's tough scales just can't be beaten
Swords and lances have all been tried
It said they'd work, but of course it lied
Its evil rampage just keeps on growing
Will it end? There's just no knowing
It's smashed up grocers and department stores
And caused more damage than several wars
It crushes buildings with jumps and hops
Except for Waitrose where it shops
It throws cars around with it's tail
"Help us! Help us!" people wail
It really is a so and so
But how to stop it? I think I know
You see the Honeydragon is a one and only
It's got no others. It's just so lonely
The way to make the havoc end
Is to be nice and be it's friend
Don't take your sword and try to poke it
Cuddle it, kiss it, pat it, stroke it
Buy it biscuits and give it cake
And any puddings you can bake
If you were to treat it in my way
It'll be a harmless pet by late Friday
Badgers. Just because badgers are cool.
Badgers are short and very hairy.
They're black and they're white and not very scary.
They're got great big paws that look rather beary.
They could bite if they want so you need to stay wary.
If I had one as a pet I would call her Mary.
I don't want to get turned into one by a fairy.
Just did a new one this morning. Nice and fresh:
The Story Of Mr Dean Finkle
The is the story of Mr Dean Finkle
Who got into trouble when he needed a tinkle.
He set of for a walk from The Old Cow And Bull
When he suddenly he realised his bladder was full.
Was he concerned? No he was not.
Even in this popular rambling spot.
What people don't see, people don't mind.
He just needed a tree he could wee right behind.
But he was caught in a new planted spinney
And all of the trees were weedy and skinny.
Were there lots of thick bushes to conceal him round here?
No. The undergrowth was gone, all eaten by deer.
Was a burst kidney to be his ultimate fate?
Where could a man safely urinate?
Lucky for him he found a parked up Land Rover.
He could widdle behind that, his problem was over.
He took out his winkle and relief filled his head.
His pee was mid stream when away the car sped
Leaving him there for the world all to see.
Or in this case The Arch Bishop Of Canterbury.
Plus 12 nuns who also were also out on a hike,
The Lady Mayoress who was riding her bike,
A picnicking family who must have been townies,
A whole camping field of quite surprised brownies,
2 ageing spinsters respectably dressed,
And a well endowed donkey who wasn't impressed.
Mr Dean Finkle now felt rather silly
With all of these people who could now see his willy.
The scene was one that was quite unprecedented
And Mr Dean Finkle was quickly arrested.
You're bound to remember this story no doubt
So make sure that you go before you go out.
Captain Tight Pants: Superhero
Number of baddies caught? None, zilch, zero.
Far too hard to answer distress calls
With your undies tight and crushing your balls.
A superhero can't look that convincing
When he tries to run but ends up mincing.
And when evil doers punch you can't punch back
As it sends your trunks further up your crack.
The whole idea is totally crackers.
Nobody likes having over-squeezed knackers.
So now he wants to enter a world more sinister:
Captain Tight Pants for Prime Minister!
I read your poem blog after the saucy thread
Another 'book' 'written'.
The Problem With Giraffes
And the other one I did: A Book Of Increasingly Inaccurate Facts About Cows
I'm not that good at titles so any suggestions are welcome.
DSs love Mr Dean Finkle and Captain Tight Pants. They are 13 and 11. More please!
The Mysterious Pie
People's heads turn to stare as it goes walking by,
For they never have seen such a mysterious pie.
Where did it come from? Nobody knows.
And nobody can wait 'til it finally goes.
It's quite cold to the touch compared with some pies,
because it has to stay outdoors because of it's size.
It's skin is all greasy and I think that it's pork,
Although it won't ever tell you because meat pies cannot talk.
It's not that it's evil or does anything wrong
That the locals all hope it will go before long.
It hangs round the chip shop next to the park,
And sometimes the river just as it gets dark.
It lurks by the football pitches to watch, never play,
And visits the library every other Thursday.
It once helped a lady locked out of her house
And calmed down a horse startled by a mouse.
It gives children rides on it's crust just for fun
And acts as a marshal for the local fun-run.
It helped Mrs McCourt sort out her tax form,
And rebuilt the school knocked down by a storm.
But as long as it's around it will always be feared
Because the Mysterious Pie is just creepy and weird.
So the townsfolk trapped it with the help of Police
And tethered it tightly to give them some peace.
The rope used is long so the pie can wander around
And it shows no concern about being bound.
The Pie seems to understand that it must wear it's new leash
Because it too saw the terror of The Mysterious Quiche!
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