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16 year old girl 35 year old man

(85 Posts)
ruthieeeeeeeee Sun 02-Feb-14 04:09:15

This time last week , i thought i was going to have an open discussion with my 16 and 2 week old year old daughter, about sex, after finding condoms in her room ...
As a single mum , i prided myself in our closeness...
unique honesty , trust .. unlike id ever had with my mother..
noticing her recent behaviour being different ...
ie. she was leaving home every evening.. but back before 10pm ..
giving me no cause for concern ..
i justifyed her keeness to be out as a teenage escapism ..
I questioned her about her "love interest" though coy , still no cause for concern ..
when i asked her why he wouldnt come to our house ... she said , she wasnt sure about him and our house was " boring "
so after 5 weeks of her frequent meetings with " 15 year mr X "
she asked if she could stay at his parents house overnight in the xmas hols ...
i agreed ,on condition that i speak with his parents ..
despite her awkwardness about my request , she agreed it was only fair and understood that as a mother of a daughter , it would be totally acceptable for me to touch base with his mother would be strange if i didnt surely ?
so after speaking to "lisa" i confirmed that she was ok with my girl staying over .. i expressed that i hoped she wasnt inviting herself ..and without insulting her (lisa) said , "it goes without saying..separate bedrooms?"
to which she replied .. "of course"
i breathed out....
a mum who understood ....
putting the phone down , in hindsight , i didnt feel entirely comfortable with our exchange .. I put this down to her being a mother of a son, maybe its less of an issue ?
passed that thought off...
So now its xmas hols and i insist my girl comes home
she does
back to our school routine , she continues her regular nights out .. home by ten ..
Then , one sunday pm .. i find myself unable to get home .. i speak with my girl , im uncomfortable with the fact that i wont be able to be home untill 830 am .. feeling slightly embarressed , i ask to speak with "lisa"
would she mind if my girl could stay with her family ?
" yes no problem, "
awkwardly i express my concern it was a school night ..
she reassured me , she would see my girl off in time to get home in time for school ..
i humblely thanked her , again, in hindsight , i felt a little unsure , she didnt seem to share as parent would re my concern ...
i dismissed it as she was tired and it was no problem for her...a cool mum ?
So rewind back to last thursday...
after finding condoms in my 16 year olds room
grabbed the opportunity to have a heart to heart ... i wanted to allow her feel she could share with me her sexual activity ...
i reassured her i was ok with it .. lets just make sure she was safe , happy , not forced ... all the things a loving mum would say/do to make her girl feel she could trust me ...

then the awful truth ...

"i have had sex mum .. but i dont think you will be happy ... the boy ive been seeing "mr X" 35 years old...."

im not ashamed to tell you mums out there ... i found myself wretching in the toilet ...
i was so unaware of this reaction ... it was just human ...
i so wished she had not seen it , it didnt actually impact on her perception of the severity of this new found knowledge ....

The events that happened following this , i need not share ....
all i can say is, I found myself acting/behaving in an un filtered way ...
i didnt recognise myself ...
my girl even said , she had never seen me , in all her 16 years , show my complete and utter devastation ...
her "rock" had broken ...

so heres the conclusion....
after many emotionally fuelled conversations with friends /family/social services/ police /lawyers ....
the awful truth is....

i know he had sex with my daughter when she was 15 (took her virginity)...but ive been informed its too hard to prove ...

and now she is 16... and consenting ... i have no power ...

i wanted to share this with you all, i take full responsibility for the fact that i should have met "lisa" in person... by the way ... she wasnt a parent .. she was HIS flatmate .....
how this woman could have done this to me, in full knowledge of my daughters age...I will find harder to accept than what HE has done ..

Again, want to share this with a warning , once your teen is 16... you are completely powerless.... please believe me, even now , my girl says its not my fault ... she is in love ....

with a broken heart I have to let her think ive accepted it ...
i know through setting my emotion aside , that if i try to stop this, they will only become closer ...

So 8 days in...
im accepting this is the biggest test of my parenting ...
its a lonely place
theres no law to help ...
just got to pray she has an epiphany

thank you for reading

hope it helps anyone out there who is going through this ........

newmorning Sun 02-Feb-14 14:42:01

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Wishfulmakeupping Sun 02-Feb-14 14:49:57

I think his age is a factor he's 35 years old FFS at 15 she was a child?!
The flatmate is truely disgustingsad
I feel sick on your behalf OP and your daughter's

Roussette Sun 02-Feb-14 14:53:10

I think the man's age is a total issue! It's not the fact her daughter has lost her virginity, as the OP talks of having a heart to heart with her daughter about this and she sounds a loving Mum who wants to do the right thing and not come down too heavy. I would be a mixture of incensed and worried sick and furious that some 35 year old man, 20 years older than my DD had robbed her of her virginity.

A 17 year old's intentions would be totally different. OP's daughter could have been at school with a 17 yr old. A 35 yr old groomed her IMHO.

Ruthieeeee you have my absolute sympathy - I totally get your post, and am only sorry I don't have anything to offer with regard to advice. I wish you the very best of luck with everything.

BrianTheMole Sun 02-Feb-14 14:53:33

His age is a factor, he's 35. And he was having sex with a child. A 17 yr old you can forgive, a 35 year old man, not so much.

Twentyducks Sun 02-Feb-14 14:54:14

I'd still be logging it with the police even if it can't be proved and would do anything in my power to scare him off.

Babcia Sun 02-Feb-14 14:55:58

Maybe try and talk to her honestly and openly about where she could see it going with this guy? I lost my virginity at 17 to a 25 year old (much smaller age gap and I was over legal age but still I understand now inappropriate) and it definitely had an impact on the things I chose to do (and the things I missed out on) when I was younger. The problem with big age gaps isn't necessarily the age itself, but what's going on in her life. Maybe couch it as a conversation about what she wants to do at uni/college- where she wants to go, where she wants to live when she leaves home, whether she wants to do any travelling, maybe think about doing something like teaching abroad, or doing charity work or Camp America or something. You could casually ask if Mr X has done any of these things- you've got double bubble with this one. If he has (and assuming he has a job and responsibilities now), you can hint he wouldn't want to do them again- he's already experienced that. If not, then he wouldn't want or wouldn't be able to do them now- either way it's basically your opportunity to strongly hint that this guy is basically going to put the kibosh on all the stuff she wants to do, so she might as well bin him now. grin

newmorning Sun 02-Feb-14 14:56:52

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AnyFucker Sun 02-Feb-14 15:00:53

this man's age is not a factor ??

what the fuck ???

Roussette Sun 02-Feb-14 15:01:55

newmorning... I have no idea how you can think that! 15 yr olds can be confused, vulnerable, and scared. Do you think all 15 yr old's are just up for it or something? A 35 year od man is totally different to a young lad. What he did was actually illegal, do you realise that? It's rather different to two 15 year olds holding hands in school and taking that step. As I said before, he groomed her. What an earth can a 35 year old see in a 15 year old? Yet you seem to think it's OK...

AnyFucker Sun 02-Feb-14 15:03:34

I expect you support teachers having sex with their underage pupils do you, NM ? Where you one of Jeremy Forrest's supporters ?

It is beyond wrong for a man his 30's (and 20's) to target a teenage girl, even if she "consented". That is the whole point. Such "consent" is null because of the age, experience and power differential.


AnyFucker Sun 02-Feb-14 15:03:40


newmorning Sun 02-Feb-14 15:06:34

I think a number of people may be going off at a tangent here.

This isn't a debate about whether the age of consent is set appropriately at 16. It's a thread about this mother's anguish that her daughter's virginity has suddenly disappeared.

Would the mother be feeling any happier if her daughter had waited till 16 before having sex? My impression is that she'd be just as unhappy, and so the under-age factor, let's be honest, is just a weapon to beat the man over the head with.

LondonBus Sun 02-Feb-14 15:07:07

His age doesn't matter? Seriously?

AnyFucker Sun 02-Feb-14 15:09:25

beat the man over the head ?

you agenda is coming clearer

don't take away a man's right to groom a 15yo girl for sex


did a klaxon go off somewhere ?

KnockMeDown Sun 02-Feb-14 15:11:11

shock His age does matter! He is old enough to be her father! At his age he should be settled down with his own young family, not dating barely legal teenage girls. There is a huge imbalance in life experience. It is wrong, on so many levels!

Roussette Sun 02-Feb-14 15:11:44

newmorning... I don't think you have read the OP at all. It's nothing to do with her daughter losing her virginity. She actually talks of how she understands...

*grabbed the opportunity to have a heart to heart ... i wanted to allow her feel she could share with me her sexual activity ...
i reassured her i was ok with it .. lets just make sure she was safe , happy , not forced ... all the things a loving mum would say/do to make her girl feel she could trust me ...*

The whole issue is the fact it's with a 35 year old man as her OP explains in detail.

newmorning Sun 02-Feb-14 15:11:49

Groom? He might be an entirely decent man who's hopelessly in love with her.

AnyFucker Sun 02-Feb-14 15:12:55

Newmorning I call you as Jeremy Forrest and I claim my £5

Roussette Sun 02-Feb-14 15:13:05

I think, newmorning, you missed the bit I reassured her I was OK with it

KnockMeDown Sun 02-Feb-14 15:13:10

Anyfucker - voice of reason. As usual!

Twentyducks Sun 02-Feb-14 15:13:45

35 year olds who thinks its acceptable to sleep with 15 year olds are never 'entirely decent' men.

Twentyducks Sun 02-Feb-14 15:15:09

They are entirely the opposite in fact.

newmorning Sun 02-Feb-14 15:15:13

If the man has deceived her and he's now about to dump her, he's a bastard - just as he would be if he were 17.

But if he loves her, the age gap is nothing to be horrified about.

Roussette Sun 02-Feb-14 15:17:01

Newmorning, he might be a thoroughly decent man who has fallen for a 15 yr old, but the age gap makes it highly unlikely do you not think? Also, he has used his flatmate to lie by pretending to be the mother of a boy, so he has chosen to hidden his age. Hardly looks good, does it?? If his intentions were OK, he would not have behaved like that.

I would be beside myself with worry if it were my DD and I would not be having good thoughts about the man who ... with his 20 year more experience of life... had taken advantage of my daughter.

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