This time last week , i thought i was going to have an open discussion with my 16 and 2 week old year old daughter, about sex, after finding condoms in her room ...
As a single mum , i prided myself in our closeness...
unique honesty , trust .. unlike id ever had with my mother..
noticing her recent behaviour being different ...
ie. she was leaving home every evening.. but back before 10pm ..
giving me no cause for concern ..
i justifyed her keeness to be out as a teenage escapism ..
I questioned her about her "love interest" though coy , still no cause for concern ..
when i asked her why he wouldnt come to our house ... she said , she wasnt sure about him and our house was " boring "
so after 5 weeks of her frequent meetings with " 15 year mr X "
she asked if she could stay at his parents house overnight in the xmas hols ...
i agreed ,on condition that i speak with his parents ..
despite her awkwardness about my request , she agreed it was only fair and understood that as a mother of a daughter , it would be totally acceptable for me to touch base with his mother ...it would be strange if i didnt surely ?
so after speaking to "lisa" i confirmed that she was ok with my girl staying over .. i expressed that i hoped she wasnt inviting herself ..and without insulting her (lisa) said , "it goes without saying..separate bedrooms?"
to which she replied .. "of course"
i breathed out....
a mum who understood ....
putting the phone down , in hindsight , i didnt feel entirely comfortable with our exchange .. I put this down to her being a mother of a son, maybe its less of an issue ?
passed that thought off...
So now its xmas hols and i insist my girl comes home
she does
back to our school routine , she continues her regular nights out .. home by ten ..
Then , one sunday pm .. i find myself unable to get home .. i speak with my girl , im uncomfortable with the fact that i wont be able to be home untill 830 am .. feeling slightly embarressed , i ask to speak with "lisa"
would she mind if my girl could stay with her family ?
" yes no problem, "
awkwardly i express my concern it was a school night ..
she reassured me , she would see my girl off in time to get home in time for school ..
i humblely thanked her , again, in hindsight , i felt a little unsure , she didnt seem to share as parent would re my concern ...
i dismissed it as she was tired and it was no problem for her...a cool mum ?
So rewind back to last thursday...
after finding condoms in my 16 year olds room
grabbed the opportunity to have a heart to heart ... i wanted to allow her feel she could share with me her sexual activity ...
i reassured her i was ok with it .. lets just make sure she was safe , happy , not forced ... all the things a loving mum would say/do to make her girl feel she could trust me ...
then the awful truth ...
"i have had sex mum .. but i dont think you will be happy ... the boy ive been seeing "mr X"....is 35 years old...."
im not ashamed to tell you mums out there ... i found myself wretching in the toilet ...
i was so unaware of this reaction ... it was just human ...
i so wished she had not seen it , it didnt actually impact on her perception of the severity of this new found knowledge ....
The events that happened following this , i need not share ....
all i can say is, I found myself acting/behaving in an un filtered way ...
i didnt recognise myself ...
my girl even said , she had never seen me , in all her 16 years , show my complete and utter devastation ...
her "rock" had broken ...
so heres the conclusion....
after many emotionally fuelled conversations with friends /family/social services/ police /lawyers ....
the awful truth is....
THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ...
i know he had sex with my daughter when she was 15 (took her virginity)...but ive been informed its too hard to prove ...
and now she is 16... and consenting ... i have no power ...
i wanted to share this with you all, i take full responsibility for the fact that i should have met "lisa" in person... by the way ... she wasnt a parent .. she was HIS flatmate .....
how this woman could have done this to me, in full knowledge of my daughters age...I will find harder to accept than what HE has done ..
Again, want to share this with a warning , once your teen is 16... you are completely powerless.... please believe me, even now , my girl says its not my fault ... she is in love ....
with a broken heart I have to let her think ive accepted it ...
i know through setting my emotion aside , that if i try to stop this, they will only become closer ...
So 8 days in...
im accepting this is the biggest test of my parenting ...
its a lonely place
theres no law to help ...
just got to pray she has an epiphany
thank you for reading
hope it helps anyone out there who is going through this ........
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16 year old girl 35 year old man
ruthieeeeeeeee · 02/02/2014 04:09
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Maybe try and talk to her honestly and openly about where she could see it going with this guy? I lost my virginity at 17 to a 25 year old (much smaller age gap and I was over legal age but still I understand now inappropriate) and it definitely had an impact on the things I chose to do (and the things I missed out on) when I was younger. The problem with big age gaps isn't necessarily the age itself, but what's going on in her life. Maybe couch it as a conversation about what she wants to do at uni/college- where she wants to go, where she wants to live when she leaves home, whether she wants to do any travelling, maybe think about doing something like teaching abroad, or doing charity work or Camp America or something. You could casually ask if Mr X has done any of these things- you've got double bubble with this one. If he has (and assuming he has a job and responsibilities now), you can hint he wouldn't want to do them again- he's already experienced that. If not, then he wouldn't want or wouldn't be able to do them now- either way it's basically your opportunity to strongly hint that this guy is basically going to put the kibosh on all the stuff she wants to do, so she might as well bin him now. 
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His age does matter! He is old enough to be her father! At his age he should be settled down with his own young family, not dating barely legal teenage girls. There is a huge imbalance in life experience. It is wrong, on so many levels!
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