I'm a fairly recently-diagnosed (but long-suspected) ASD mum of two. This year after a bloody long struggle I finally qualified as a doctor, started work in August, and I am not coping. I love the job, and I love the children, but I cannot seem to deal with both. Things are fine at work, even if I feel a bit like the proverbial duck paddling frantically beneath the surface, but at home things are awful. My mental health is through the floor, the DC are driving me absolutely round the twist (eldest also has ASD, youngest the jury's out) and the place is a tip. I've never really had meltdowns before but the last few months the slightest thing seems to be rendering me unable to cope. Again I'm fine at work - coping well - or at least as well as most of the other people I started with. But I guess what's happening is perhaps like the equivalent of children who mask well at school but lose their shit at home? I don't know.
DH is doing his best to help but has his own lovely wonky wiring to cope with in the form of ADHD, and is also on shifts. Ever since DC2 was born I've felt less and less able to cope - he cried a lot in the car as a baby and the sound used to reduce me to a quivering wreck, whereas with my eldest is been able to block it out - but finishing medical school and starting work, (and consequently losing the ability to just say 'fuck it, today I'm hiding in my bedroom while I regain my sanity' on occasion) seems to have tipped me over the edge. The lack of routine is driving me totally insane - I'm part time and theoretically work the same three days each week - but between on-calls and swaps with other people either for childcare reasons or just to help out there is a total lack of consistency. Not to mention swapping jobs every four months, and DH working a ten-day rotating shift pattern that means literally every day is different. It's absolutely hellish, and tbh I think also is probably contributing to the DCs' frankly appalling behaviour since I started work. Oh, and, we moved house in October, DS1 has barely slept since and likes to remind me EVERY SINGLE SODDING DAY that he hates our new house and wants to go back to our old flat. Which I know is his ASD but really isn't helping. And I'm physically unwell - not sure if it's stress or yet another fucking autoimmune disease but I had blood tests last Friday and was called by the GP on Monday to say I need to go in next week. So obviously something going on.
Anyway apologies for the rambling - basically, after an epic epic meltdown today DH and I have decided I probably need to take some sick leave. Up the antidepressants, work out what's physically wrong with me, get some counselling from someone who knows about ASD, try to sort the house out so we can stop living out of boxes and try to stabilise things for the DC. I think it's sensible, I'm sure the GP will sign me off. I am entitled to a month off on full pay and then if necessary two more on half pay, before we'd be completely up shit creek financially. But I'm terrified. I'm terrified of having to explain at work - I haven't told anyone except DH about my diagnosis, not even my mother. And I'm scared I won't actually be able to face going back and starting this all up again, but I really really love my job. It's just totally unfair on the DC to have to put up with a basket-case mother because coping with interacting with other humans for thirty hours a week is taking all my emotional and mental resources.
I don't know why I'm writing this really. I'm just desperate to talk to someone who might understand a bit of what this feels like.
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Autistic mum of two and I'm losing the plot
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AspieDoc · 26/12/2019 21:31
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