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If you find it difficult to be 'affectionate' how to you deal with it?

(4 Posts)
Catgotyourbrain Fri 21-Jun-19 12:11:54

I am beginning to suspect I have ASD. I've read lots of threads on here and seen the questionnaires and it ticks a lot of boxes for me. I've got family members who are elderly and are undiagnosed but are textbook ASD too.

I've always found it difficult to be touchy-feely. I've always thought of myself with a larger than average bubble of personal space, and if someone sits too close I can find it difficult to be comfortable. I've often thought I was weird and never been able to explain this. I hate hate hate sitting with my back to a room full of people (offices, driving the car with 3 kids in the back). I cant ever sleep touching someone. If DP tries to 'spoon' from behind I have to get out of bed, and I'm only happy cuddling him if he's facing way in bed, or if either of us are really emotional (upset or happy). Regarding sex I've always found it enjoyable once into it but initiating physical contact has a massive psychological barrier for me. I must stress this is not because I've 'gone off' DP - I love him very much and indeed still find him attractive after 20 years. I don't have any inclination to snog him though, and I can't sit on the sofa and stroke his hair (he likes this) or hand without it feeling like psychological 'work' - I can't relax.

When I was a teen I agonised over never having kissed anyone and I was late to this because I was so hyper aware. For a while I thought I must have something wrong with me or perhaps something had caused it but I'm certain now that there's no trigger (no trauma or abuse in my life thankfully).

I've benefitted from therapy and feel I know myself a lot more nowadays (and am accepting of what I like and dislike). But I'm still owrried about not being 'affectionate'.

DP is seeing a therapist now because of some quite traumatic events in his childhood, ructions at work recently, and a diagnosis of ADHD for himself and our DS. Thing is - when he comes back he's often talked about me and him, and found the therapist to be asking a lot about my 'lack of affection', and who is 'looking out for him'. He seems unconcerned himself and a bit mystified as to why they are talking about the most stable part of his life and not the shit that's gone before that needs dealing with. hmm I've offered to talk it out with him and address it in some way (what??) but he's adamant he knows I love him and support him in myriad ways through our relationship. Do you think it's weird or that maybe the therapist hasn't really 'got' him? How do I deal with this myself if its something I haven't realised is lacking in me :-(
Be gentle.

Butteredghost Fri 21-Jun-19 12:20:42

No advice but I have the same thing. Well I don't have SN but I have no concept of physical affection. Previous partners and now my DH have called me cold and said they hate that about me. But I have no idea how to change.

One thing though, the no touching while sleeping is really common and I don't think it's related to the rest or a problem. Anecdotally it seems many more people are like this than the "sleep cuddled up all night" type.

Catgotyourbrain Sun 23-Jun-19 17:28:31

Just bumping in case anyone has any more thoughts :-)

ineedaknittedhat Mon 24-Jun-19 19:07:47

I can't stand having people behind my back either and walking behind me feels even worse.

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