Any advice please, I feel like such a rubbish wife & mum?

[Honey1975]

I have not been diagnosed but I seem to have difficulty doing the most simple normal things. The more i read about this the more I think it is me in so many ways.

I have a decent job that requires great attention to detail but not too much social interaction. It suits me to a tee.

But when it comes to home life I really struggle. I just can’t get organised. I can never ever think of what meals to have and as a result we eat repetitively alot. I don’t seem to be able to plan more than a day at a time so end up going to supermarket every day.! Sometimes I just wander round not knowing what on earth to buy for the family and I feel panicky so i just grab a pizza and leave. I feel so guilty that I’m not doing my best nutritionally for my dc’s but they are so fussy it’s so hard to come up with 7 meals that we all like.

I’m similarly useless with household tasks. I will put washing in and then forget to take it out so then smells and have to wash it again. I can’t keep on top of the washing so then my dc’s end up running out of clean vests, socks etc.

I waste far too much time online looking for the perfect solutions to home organisation and then never have enough time to do any of it! I am a bad mum as I am often so busy ‘researching’ things on line that I miss what my dd is saying to me or I don’t get on with jobs I should be doing around the house.

There seems to be loads on life admin from schools etc to deal with. Sometimes I lose bits of paper or forget things although I am good at putting things on the wall calendar and in my phone.

I struggle getting up in the morning and so don’t always have time to have a shower and feel all rushed and am often running late. I set 3 alarms and still can’t get up!

I just feel that I’m not being the best mum that I could be but I just can’t seem to do it all. I look at some of the other mums and they always look immaculate as do their dc’s and they’re cooking healthy meals from scratch every day and doing everythinv so well.

Does anyone have any advice at all? Sometimes I wonder if I’m just lazy but it’s as if I’m always searching (online) for the perfect life organisation answers but never find them.

[joopy79]

Ok, make a meal plan for the week to make your shopping list. It really helps and there is less waste. Why don't you start making a meal plan for 2 days then build up to 3 days etc?

[joopy79]

School admin, have a place/file for school admin so you know where things are. Do you have a class WhatsApp group or Facebook group? They're good for reminding each other about inset days etc.

[joopy79]

When you put your washing on set an alarm so you know when to take it out.

[joopy79]

I can't get up earlier than I have to, I shower/exercise etc in the evening. If it's a real issue try to go to bed earlier...

[April2020mom]

Start small. Do you have a phone or not? Use the alarm feature on it to wake you up in the morning. Also see if you can get hold of a diary or calendar.

[BlackeyedSusan]

I wear glasses as it is hard to see without. Am I being lazy for not trying harder to see without?

Is my friend using a wheelchair lazy for not walking?

Autism is a disability not laziness.

[Seniorschoolmum]

You sound like me. I’m not good at it either. But actually most people don’t cook from scratch, it’s an illusion. M&S food hall wouldn’t exist if they did.

Fishfingers, pizzas, sausage rolls can be cooked from frozen. Add tinned beans, frozen veg or tomatoes & salad, and that’s the basis for dcs meals when I am stressed. When I manage to cook, I make big curries or casseroles and freeze half to use later.

school admin goes in my phone with alarms set. Paperwork on the side of the fridge. And all washing in on Friday night so I have two days to get it dry & ironed.
I’ll never be a domestic goddess either but dcs are fed & healthy, Don’t beat yourself up.

[MumUnderTheMoon]

You could be describing me to be honest. I like to research too and sometimes miss what my dd has said. I encourage her to say excuse me mummy instead of launching straight into what she's saying this gives we time to switch off my device so it can't distract me and I do it every time even if it's only for a quick question. I also find it difficult to come up with meal ideas you just have to let yourself off the hook about it as rigid thinking is part of being autistic. Instead I use "we've eaten that today already". Eg if my dd has cheese on her tea she can't have a babybel for supper that way I feel like she's at least getting some variety. I leave myself little visual cues eg dds empty swimming bag beside the washing machine reminds me that the laundry is in there. I buy more pants socks etc than a reasonable person needs and have a separate laundry basket for them so I can easily see it's getting full before we run out. And if I don't I let myself off the hook and wear yesterday's. also if a job can be done in under a minute I do it right away. I have pots of pens all over the house so that no matter where I am I can sign any school note handed to me and get it straight back in the bag. Mostly you should let yourself off the hook also maybe think about a dyspraxia assessment or at least have a look at some of the coping skills that people with dyspraxia use.

[whitedoorbell]

Hi, I don't have any answers but can sympathise. I am awaiting an assessment for ASD and have 3 kids, ds has ASD and ADHD. I can relate to lots of what you have written.

I feel like housework is a colossal effort and same with shopping and cooking meals. I actually love cooking, but most of the time I can't seem to get my act together with putting a meal on the table and many times my kids had sandwiches or cereal for tea when I was in full meltdown mode.

I also seem to spend hours on research and then making plans and then fail totally on the first task. I just can't seem to get started.

I bought a Lumie clock like this one

www.argos.co.uk/product/2556002

It has made a massive difference and helps me to get up on time by waking me up slowly and I also set 2 alarms on my phone!

I made a rule that I must do one load of washing per day, even if it's not a full load, I put the washing machine on which really helps. I often don't do so well with the folding/ironing/putting away, but at least it's clean!!

My kids are very understanding of my quirks and seem to ignore my meltdowns and keep a low profile and then come and give me a hug when it's passed which is amazing!