To not want to work, ever?

[kiweee]

I had a couple of jobs aged 17-19
I struggled and it made me very ill. I have ASD

I’m much much older now and have a family. My dh works full time and I try to keep the house sorted out, admin to do with kids done and look after them as they are still young but even when they are older I have no intention whatsoever to even think about working as it’s too much to deal with

My family and friends are all a bit 🤨 about this and keep saying ‘oh when x is at nursery will you look for a job?’
No, I won’t. I will use my time to do what I always do and perhaps have a little more time to do something to keep my mental health ok. I can’t get stressed or overwhelmed they dont seem to understand I’m not lazy I actually can’t.

There’s not really much or any support for adults with ASD so I’m coping as best I can but I think I’m just being seen as lazy but I’m not

[SomeonesSunshine]

You’re lucky to be in a financial situation, that is comfortable enough, to make that choice

[stellabird]

If your DH is happy to work and support the whole family forever - go for it. It's between you and him, really.

[Twotailed]

If you can’t work, you can’t! You may feel more able one day and give it a try or you may not - and that’s fine. As long as you and your partner are well and happy that’s all that matters.

[ILikTheBred]

Oh OP. You have enough to deal with without this.

If your DH is happy with the situation, you have a plan in place in case he cannot work for some reason and your kids are ok then you have nothing to justify to anyone.

ASD can be really challenging. Most NT people just don’t get it. Hard as it is, just ignore the comments and focus on you and your family.

[SlothSlothSloth]

Why are you posting this? I’m sorry you are struggling but what are you hoping to get out of this? Either your mental health/ASD really is bad enough to prevent you working, in which case of course YANBU. Or you’re just taking the piss as you can’t be bothered, in which case YABU since your partner will have to work harder. We can’t know which is true.

In general however I don’t think it is unreasonable to hate working. Most kinds of paid work are unfulfilling.

[kiweee]

We aren’t that well off, we are just getting by and do have to budget a lot and sometimes go without things it’s not an easy throwaway decision but if I were to work I’d be very ill people see me now as ‘ok’ but this is because I’m doing things the way that keeps me as calm as possible and even. If I worked I’d be stressed and in high alert all the time and kids would be in a stressful household

[Fatted]

At the end of the day, it's no one's business other than you and DH's. You both know what you can afford and cope with.

The unfortunate reality is that there are many other people similar to yourself who have no other choice than to have to go to work due to finances etc.

[YeTalkShiteHen]

There’s not really much or any support for adults with ASD so I’m coping as best I can but I think I’m just being seen as lazy but I’m not

I get it OP. I’m autistic and found working really hard. I’m currently a SAHM/carer for our 3 who are autistic too.

Do what works for you and your family, fuck what anyone else says.

[kiweee]

I’m posting because family and friends keep asking when my youngest is at nursery will I work ?

[Awwlookatmybabyspider]

YANBU.I've always said Work isn't for ever adult. Just as school isnt for every child. It's nothing to for with laziness some people just aren't cut out emotionally for it
You'll always get people though who see it in black and white that you're lazy if you dont work from 8-8. You can't argue with closed minded people, so Just be assertive in your own decisions and do what works for you.
Furthermore are intrusive cunts aware of your condition..

[YeTalkShiteHen]

I’m posting because family and friends keep asking when my youngest is at nursery will I work?

Tell them no. No further explanation offered or needed, it’s not their business.

[serbska]

Well, it is between you and your DH but TBH I think it is pretty shitty to say you never ever ever have any intention to work. It places an unfair burden on your DH and god help you and your family if DH gets ill and can't work.

[kiweee]

If I didn’t have ASD I would have no problem at all with it.
Sometimes I wish I didn’t and that when kids older I could contribute but I can’t. I worry that it’s assumed that once youngest is of a certain age I should work. People seem to expect that ?
I’m not lazy at all I’m just trying to keep myself functioning but recently I feel as if I’m seen as ok and fine because I’ve found the balance that works for my ASD

[WhatIsThisTomfoolery]

Work doesn't have to be a demon

You've got kids? So you managed pregnancy/birth/newborn stage and did that multiple times

Nothing more stressful than that!

[YeTalkShiteHen]

It places an unfair burden on your DH and god help you and your family if DH gets ill and can't work

OP has a condition which makes working all but impossible for her? Or are you the arbiter of what is and isn’t “fit for work”?

[WhatIsThisTomfoolery]

ASD diagnosis says you can't work then?

[Cassimin]

I suppose it’s up to to if you want to work or not.
I am a foster carer of a chid with ASD and ADHD.
I hope I am giving him enough support to find a job when he is older.
Neither of his parents work and I think this is worse for their mental health.
I would upset me to think that he would go through his life and never have some sort of employment.

[iamablockhead]

What would you do if your DH dies or was himself no longer able to work?
It's a risky strategy, thinking like you do at the outset "I'm never going to work".
With children you'd have a responsibility to do just that as far as you could (ie not give up so apparently easily)

[kiweee]

Yes I do feel guilty about it but I try to not because the alternative is me unwell and obsessing through guilt or forcing myself at some point to work and being stressed al the time which would impact our family more than me not working.

It feels like people now assume I’m better? I’m not I think I appear to be coping better because I’ve found the routine that keeps me ok and want to keep it the same to stay as calm and functioning as possible and yet people see a change for the better and think o need to move on to the next challenge but I just want to stay well

[kiweee]

For me, ASD means I can’t work. Everyone is affected differently

[YeTalkShiteHen]

ASD diagnosis says you can't work then?

It depends. My dad works. I don’t. We’re autistic, not the same person! I’m guessing you don’t know much about autism.

[WhatIsThisTomfoolery]

It's possible to find a balance!

Did your DH know all this before kids?

[WhatIsThisTomfoolery]

Know enough ta!

[ILikTheBred]

OP I think you should consider pulling this thread. Outside of the SEN boards mumsnet can be a pretty hostile place to those with ASD due to lack of understanding of the condition. I think ultimately this thread could end up being more distressing to you than helpful.

[kiweee]

No he didn’t know. I didn’t know I thought i had depression for years before diagnosis and by then I’d had kids