Aspiergirls - Tania Marshall???

[Moonandstarsandback]

Anyone read stuff by her? Is she a reliable source?

I've been questioning myself so much lately about Autism...could I be on the spectrum? I don't know what to think. Is never even considered it before my Ds was referred for assessment for ASD.

I've had depression since I was a teenager and it was diagnosed in my early 20's and I was given anti depressants. I've been on and off them ever since (I'm early 40's now). More on than off. They keep me stable, but I still suffer episodes of depression.

When I was young I felt like I was 'different' like my best friend was only my best friend because she was being nice to me because she knew there was something 'wrong' with me. I have always had good friends, but I do think I've always found relationships quite hard work. I often feel I just don't quite fit in wherever or whoever I'm with. I've found friendships really hard to make over the last few years as I've moved about a bit - I realised then I didn't like change!

I have very low self esteem but have managed to achieve a post graduate degree and became a professional. However, I struggled through university taking double the time to complete my course due to depression and feeling overwhelmed and ridiculously stressed. I haven't worked since having Ds (who's 5) and the thought of going back or having an interview fills me absolute panic and literally freezes me up. I think it's because I hated feeling 'put on the spot' and not feeling 'prepared' for what they'd ask me. I found working very stressful as I'm a perfectionist and need to 'over prepare' to feel ok, but it meant I worked ridiculous amounts of hours and had no life!

My brother went off the rails around 7 years of age, was bullied at school, started having violent outbursts, started refusing to go to school. My mum struggled as she was a young single mum and we lived amongst many middle class 2 parent family affluent people. By age 12 he's been excluded from
School and was in a special unit which he barely went to either...he got in with a dodgy crowd and ended up on a very bad path. My mum finally lost touch with him and I did for a while too, but he'd pop up from time to time and contact me. He was/is still very volatile. But as I'm learning about ASD I'm almost convinced he could be on the spectrum. He's always had terrible eye contact, but I kind of put that down to him being a bit shifty and telling lies a lot! He was very bright at school, but just struggled in so many ways...he was labeled as naughty back then.

Anyway, back to Aspiergirls, I was reading all the sections and whilst there are many that I don't think apply to me, there are probably the same amount or more that I feel do.... But wonder if I'm just imagining it or being silly even thinking it. But wonder if it could explain my long term mental health issues in some way too?

I've just always felt 'lonely' or 'different' and always trying to 'understand' myself better and don't.

Thanks for reading my long and garbled message. I hope it makes sense and some of you can give me your advice or words of understanding or wisdom.

[Moonandstarsandback]

Thank you Polter.

I feel silly. I feel ridiculous. I feel attention seeking....

Ive always told myself that I'm just 'messed up' due to certain things happening in my childhood, circumstances experiences etc... I don't know if my concerns are founded or I've just read so much about Autism recently I'm starting to imagine things...does that make sense?

How do I start to 'follow it up'?

How long did it take you to follow it up? Was it after your Ds was suspected of having ASD or diagnosed that you thought...hang on a minute?...

[FaithAscending]

Hello moon. Your (personal) story sounds a lot like mine - wondering if friends were just nice because they felt sorry for me, achieving academic studies but taking a long time to get there. After feeling like you did, I went to my GP who referred me for an assessment. I've just had it and I'm waiting for the results but I'm glad I did whatever they say. Now I know I'm not NT whether I'm aspie or not, it's really helped my mood management and understanding who I am. I would do some online tests (just google 'Do I have aspergers/autism?' to get some tests). If you score positively, it's worth investigating.

[hiddenhome2]

Moonandstars yes, do some research and follow it up.

I always knew there was something up with me, but never even considered asd, until I started doing some research into women with asd and how they present differently from what is perceived to be 'the norm'.

I did questionnaires online - do the Baron-Cohen one and I also did the RDOS one, which is just a bit of fun psychology, but does give you a good idea of what's going on actually.

I also went onto YouTube and put in the search box 'women with asd/Aspergers and there's lots of women there who describe their experiences.

After doing weeks of digging and reading, I decided to be assessed privately as I don't like dealing with the NHS.

I was identified as being Aspergers just before Christmas and it's made a huge difference to my life. My anxiety and depression has diminished a lot and I feel happy and upbeat. I feel as though I 'belong' at last and that there's a place for me in the world - even if it's just here

Go for it!

[Moonandstarsandback]

Thank you Polter, faith and hidden. It's nice to know people understand how confusing it is when you suddenly begin to think...hmmm could I be too?! I will look at those tests... I did one about s month ago on an app, but struggled to answer, wondering if I was choosing the answer I wanted to think I was, have convinced myself I'm like or whether I was being honest!?! Will check out YouTube as well.

Hidden, that's brilliant your mood has improved so much since diagnosis

Faith, hope your results come through soon

Polter, I've mentioned it to my DH and he says 'you're not on the spectrum' and dismisses the idea! However, I think he's likely on the spectrum himself! Even he's said so recently since Ds has been on the assessment journey!

I really appreciate you taking the time to reply. Means a lot

[Moonandstarsandback]

I don't think he meant to be unsupportive, but guess he didn't take me seriously.

Well I did the baron Cohen one and scored 28..... Doesn't seem that high? I find it hard to fill in. I've always considered myself a very sociable person, but only recently realised how much I struggle actually!

[hiddenhome2]

You need to be absolutely honest with yourself when doing the questionnaires.

[FaithAscending]

Yes when answering the questions, you need to go with your gut instinct, the thought you naturally have rather than the 'What do people expect me to say' default response.

My DH was very sceptical. He was the one who pushed me to ask for an assessment on the grounds that I wouldn't settle until I found out but equally was very sceptical. Even after my assessment (where the assessor indicated she is pretty sure I do have ASD) he said 'Well I'll wait for the final results!'. I think it's difficult for people who see you functioning to realise how difficult it is even though he is the one who deals with my meltdowns Funnily, DH actually supports me more than he realises. If I'm having a bad day, he'll encourage me to have a bath (even run it for me), gives me space etc.

[Moonandstarsandback]

Hi, I've always struggled with these kind of forms though. Filled in loads for depression/counselling etc over the years and always feel I don't 'fit' into any category properly!

Not sure if I'm struggling because I'm 42 and have convince myself what type of person I am, because that's what Ive always strived to be (to fit in) or what. I find lots of things confusing!!

Like I consider myself a sociable person...I like seeing people, it can boost my confidence, however, I have a time limit. I then like to go back home and have my space. I feel quite exhausted after social occasions!

I've always struggled with everyday functioning. Sometimes it's an effort to shower or leave the house. I've always thought that was due to depression. Which it likely is.

I'm just writing down my thoughts here. Not sure if any of it means anything, but worth saying.

[hiddenhome2]

Yes, get your thoughts out because many people here have experienced the same or similar.

People with asd can indeed be sociable. It's how they handle their social interactions and whether or not they cause stress and tiredness that counts.

People with asd usually have anxiety which can lead to developing depression because it's so exhausting dealing with the anxiety all the time.

All these things tie in.

[Moonandstarsandback]

Thank you Hidden.

Interestingly I used to think I didn't ever suffer with anxiety! Just depression! I actually was having panic attacks a lot when I want to the doctors and was actually diagnosed with depression! So must have been struggling with anxiety even then! I always considered myself shy, but chatty, lacking in confidence but learnt to hide it and come across as confident. But inside I'm always struggling. Filling awkward silences, I like music or tv on to stop myself being inside my head constantly as I seem to 'never' stop thinking and sometimes I just need to escape my thoughts.

I am very sensitive, and often worry about what others think. How I'm perceived. Hate criticism - it feels soooo personal... and am my own worst critic

I've been invited out tonight with some girlfriends and was chuffed to be asked and have been looking forward to it. But as it gets neater I feel anxious about it! Almost to the point I want to cancel!

[Moonandstarsandback]

Polter...that's just it. So hard to be objective!

[FaithAscending]

Everything you say rings true for me. I'd describe myself as a 'sociable introvert'. I don't mind people (although big crowds intimidate me) but I need my own space after being around people. Recovery time.

Filling the void is familiar too. I actually recommend mindfulness for this. I use the Headspace app. It's great for both allowing yourself to hear your thoughts but also not to let them dominate your life. I had lots of negative thoughts - I was off work in the summer the anxiety was so bad - but headspace has helped me realise I am not my thoughts, they're just something that come and go if I let them.

[Moonandstarsandback]

Faith, it's interesting to hear you're relating to what I'm saying. I have used headspace in the summer as was recommended by my counsellor and I loved it. I only did the free trial but must buy the package as it sounds very worthwhile. My counsellor was very into mindfulness and I found it to be most effective out of all the different things I've tried. CBT was good and made sense I know how it works, but never seemed to really have much effect long term.

I went out last night and did have a fun night. So I'm glad I went, but I really had wanted to cancel (and avoid it! I often want to avoid things!).

[FaithAscending]

I have a code for a free month of headspace if you'd like it? (They reward you if you do so many days in a row).

[Moonandstarsandback]

Hi Faith. Is it the free 10 day trial? I've got that

[FaithAscending]

No - it's for a free month? So once you've done the 10 day trial you normally pay (monthly or annually) but this code would mean you get another month free after the 10 day trial.

[Moonandstarsandback]

Faith. I would love it. Yes please can you pm me? Thank you

[FaithAscending]

Done.