Talk

Flip

WEBCHAT GUIDELINES: 1. One question per member plus one follow-up. 2. Keep your question brief. 3. Don't moan if your question doesn't get answered. 4. Do be civil/polite. 5. If one topic or question threatens to overwhelm the webchat, MNHQ will usually ask for people to stop repeating the same question or point.

MNHQ have commented on this thread

1 2

MNHQ have commented on this thread

Mumsnet webchats

Guest post: “Becoming a parent is one of the most life-changing experiences and we have to learn how to do it.” Join webchat about parental anxiety with author Anna Williamson, Monday 15 October at 9pm

28 replies

MumsnetGuestPosts · 09/10/2018 16:50

I was diagnosed very swiftly with birth trauma, and post natal anxiety and depression. Not a fun cocktail of mental health issues I’m sure you’ll agree. At first, I felt guilty and embarrassed that I was struggling and that I wasn’t enjoying anything about motherhood. The demand of having to feed my little one was making the anxiety so bad that I made a sensible (yet heavy-hearted) decision to switch from breast to bottle 10 days in. It was the best decision I made because it allowed my husband to feed him, to bond with him, and for me to rest and get well. A happy well mum is what makes a happy well baby in my case.

I am not alone in my experience. There are many, many parents (some of them friends of mine) who thankfully have had wonderful births, but actually in truth, it matters not how your birth experience pans out, because we are one and the same in that we are human, we have feelings, and we can all find life challenging from time to time. Being a new parent can test even the most positive of us.

Around one in six new mothers experience a challenging time with their mental health, and the stats aren’t too far off for new dads too, although many guys don’t feel confident talking about their feelings and struggles. ‘Post-natal depression’ seems to be the catch all label for anyone suffering with mental health problems around becoming a new parent. But it’s not particularly accurate as anxiety, PTSD /birth trauma, OCD, obtrusive thoughts, to name a few other mental health concerns, can also cause a new parent some jip if they go undetected and supported.

Becoming a parent is one of the most life-changing experiences, and we have to learn how to do it. Some people take to parenthood like a duck to water the moment the blue line shows up on the pregnancy test, so many absolutely love and embrace it, but others take a bit of time to get their head around it. Whatever your experience of becoming a new mum or dad, remember that there really is no ‘one way’ to feel or make choices.

Commonly reported anxieties in the foggy early newborn weeks and months include bonding with baby worries, relationship concerns (I mean, it’s a heck of a shock for any couple!), and obsession over sleep (or lack of it).

It can appear and feel like everyone around you is nailing it, that they’ve sussed out this parent malarkey, and you’re the only one flailing around in a pit of muslins and Jellycat soft toys. But you are far from alone. Pretty much everyone is winging it, anxieties are completely normal and understandable, and the worst thing you can do is to keep it all bottled up. Talk to your partner (if you have one), tell them how you’re feeling, have a bloody good cry if you feel like it (it can help), and allow others around you to help.

If you’re feeling consistently down, anxious or just not yourself, do always speak to your GP, midwife or health visitor, they really are there to help. They won’t judge and they won’t take your baby away just because you’re having a tough time. The best thing I did was trust my doctor and get the medication and talking therapy I needed to get well.

Two years on from becoming a parent, I don’t recognise that sacred, anxious, terrified and depressed new mum of yesteryear, the mum that stares back at me in the mirror now is one full of pride at recognising that I needed help and for asking for it. I’m a mum who is completely and utterly in love with her son. We got there, and you will too.

By Anna Williamson
Anna Willamson is author of Breaking Mum and Dad

OP posts:

Report

Harleypuppy · 11/10/2018 12:19

What is really hard is after buying loads of baby/children parenting books and learning how to be a parent, and those parenting courses that the health visitor recommends that for some reason they don't work. I thought I must be doing it wrong. I'd talk to other parents and they'd recommend things that worked for them, but they don't work for me. Most babies are soothed by cuddles, like baby groups in church halls with high echoing ceilings, go swimming, want to play with you... My baby was like this, he also met all his milestones. We struggled so much and we didn't know why he was different.
Aged 13 he was diagnosed with asc and add. Now we know. But all those years of not knowing why things that worked for others didn't work for us was really damaging for my mental health. He screamed all the time as a baby, and now as a teenager he screams a lot. I feel such a failure as no matter how hard I try he is stuck in a destructive pattern of behaviour, that is hurting everyone in the family. I'm broken and I don't have any energy left. It's not depression, it's fear of what the future holds for him because at the moment I see him being so aggressive he really hurts someone, more than he has already.