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to want to quit my job NOW and never, ever, ever, ever go back, and cross the street if I see anyone coming who has ever seen me there?

(264 Posts)
IncontinentiaBotox Thu 14-Jan-10 16:44:59

I have far and away the most humiliating and revolting experience ever to share with you. I swear every word is completely factual.

A few days ago I discovered to my horror that I have threadworms. Not having any vile chemical preparations in the house, I decided to go the natural route and googled to find out what to do. I used various things but the relevant one is garlic. I ate three chopped up cloves of garlic each evening and shoved a scored clove up my arse before bed, to kill the ones which come bown to breed.

I went to work today and had horrific flatulence; this may be linked to the dinner of lentils and brussels sprouts I had last night. The stench was truly disgusting and there was just far too much wind to be able to hold it in, so I had to let it out in stages and hope for the best.

I work in a nursery and naturally everybody assumed it was the children. I ended up changin three children who hadn't pooed themselves just to avert suspicion from myself.

It got to the point where I felt a large and insistent turd descending and needed to go and let it out. So I slipped into the adult loo (there is only one) and sat down on the toilet to be greeted by a sort of "pop" as the clove of garlic popped out, then a long stage-whisper of impacted fart, then a massive turd. The smell was so strong I could almost taste it, and to my utter horror the air-freshener was all gone and the window jammed. I stayed in there for as laong as I could get away with but after about ten minutes somebody started trying the door, so I had to come out. Three consecutive colleagues then used the toilet - the smell of rotting shit-and-garlic pervaded the entire nursery and people were actually considering going home early because they felt sick.

Naturally everybody is pretending they don't know it was me - but everyone knows. It still stank in there when I left.

So AIBU to never, ever darken their doorstep again?

Tee2072 Thu 14-Jan-10 17:07:02


AKMD Thu 14-Jan-10 17:07:21

That is hilarious, sorry. Buy everyone a big box of chocolates to share and face the blush

MrsMattie Thu 14-Jan-10 17:08:04

lol! 10/10

cakeywakey Thu 14-Jan-10 17:08:42

Sorry Incontinentia, just tell them that you weren't very well. They probably already know this to be fair, and I'm sure they won't judge you.

I'm sure that lots of people have done something in the staff loos that made them want to hide from the world. I know I have (very bad constipation when pregnant - I was moaning so much that people thought something really terrible was wrong).

KimiLivesInStarbucks Thu 14-Jan-10 17:09:43


RoyaltyIsMyOnlyDelusion Thu 14-Jan-10 17:10:08

Message withdrawn

dmo Thu 14-Jan-10 17:10:25

that is so funny also laughting at the children who nappies you changed grin
deff going to show this to dh when he comes home hahahahahahaha might even copy and paste it and e-mail it to friends

hobnobsaremyfave Thu 14-Jan-10 17:12:18

Please tell me you didn't shove a clove of garlic up your arse? On second thoughts please do because it's the funniest thing I've heard today!!!!!

kinnies Thu 14-Jan-10 17:17:38

YANBU Leave the country, drastic plastic surgury and fake your own death. grin

SkipToMyLou Thu 14-Jan-10 17:22:26

Better than a horrible plastic vibrator (that bloody thread will haunt me forever)!

I agree, tummy bug is the only way to go. Or food poisoning. Brazen it out - if you can shove garlic up your arse, you can face this!

squeaver Thu 14-Jan-10 17:25:53

Ah well. Shit happens.

PeedOffWithNits Thu 14-Jan-10 17:30:29

PMSL come on OP this cannot be for real surely....this reminds me of rhubarbs garlic up the fanjo thread

Mapes Thu 14-Jan-10 17:31:03

There should have been a health warning on this thread- I'm 36 weeks pg and I swear that the laughing/crying/snorting fit it just caused nearly sent me into labour! Much sympathy though- agree you should brazen it out if poss!

mummyofexcitedprincesses Thu 14-Jan-10 17:32:03

OMG I am laughing so much I'm crying!
I would blame food poisoning tbh.

As for the worms, you need to mention it as you probably got it from the kids at nursery. If you don't want to say you had them, say a parent mentioned their child had them at the weekend. They are pretty highly contagious and can be treated through chemicals and good hygiene. I had never heard of the garlic option lol.

salvadory Thu 14-Jan-10 17:34:27

I am crying with laughter, have just read thread to my husband who was genuinely fearful for the damagey laughter could do to my week old cs scar!!! Thanks for brightening up my afternoon you are wasted in that nursery, you belong in a hilarious horrors of homeopathy journal!!! Visions of you letting out sneaky guffs whilst changing bemused clean childrenare going to haunt me this evening.

caramelwaffle Thu 14-Jan-10 17:35:44


Grumpyoldcaaaaaaaa Thu 14-Jan-10 17:37:25

<wheeze> <gasp>

Ta for this - I was having a terrible day. Now I have tears of mirth rolling down my face.

Oh and poor you, obv wink

IncontinentiaBotox Thu 14-Jan-10 17:39:59

Peedoff, I SWEAR on the lives of my children that I haven't made up a single word of this - it is absolutely, completely, hideously true

I can still fucking smell it - garlicky shit <boak>

FlightAttendant Thu 14-Jan-10 17:43:47

I disagree with the general consensus, if I was told this was due to actual illness it would be even worse to bear...I think you need to fess up about the garlic, they will think you are barking but it will make them laugh more and boak less. smile

ohmeohmy Thu 14-Jan-10 17:45:41

leave now... and ride like the wind

IncontinentiaBotox Thu 14-Jan-10 17:46:55

fess up about the garlic? I would rather die shock

Ladyanonymous Thu 14-Jan-10 17:49:59

Thankyou thankyou thankyou... grin

TheFoosa Thu 14-Jan-10 17:52:44

how long was the garlic clove up there for?

how did you not want to push it out?

this is why yiu should NEVER google

TheFoosa Thu 14-Jan-10 17:57:36

maybe you should change your name to nevergooglegarlicbutter

SolidGoldBrass Thu 14-Jan-10 17:58:31


(SOrry OP.)

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