The Least Professional Moments of My Illustrious Career - Please Feel Free to Add Your Own(555 Posts)
I once had to organise a big conference for a well known Jewish Bank that is no longer around - got really expensive company to cater, lots of lovely food that I would have wolfed down - lobster, big lovely prawns, scallops and chorizo and countless other things that were so far the wrong side of kosher it was not funny - got a bit of a pasting for that one!!
Also called the Prince of Hanover Mr Prince - he didn;t find it funny and I retorted when he told me who he has that I didn't know there was a country called Hanover!
The following week I was covering reception again - had they not learnt!! And Dae Llewellyn was coming for a lunch - I had seen hin in the paper a few weeks before and mentioned to my colleague that that stuck up, sexist tiss pot was on his way up - he said - who me as he was already standing infront of me.
Announced someone on the phone to a colleague as Mr stuck Up, Fat, Wankety Wank, Cock Sucker, Arse Face and had the phone on conference rather than transfer - oooohhhh the list could go on and on and on!!
Walked through the directors offices, into the finance directors office, had conversation with him before returning to my desk. Sitting comfortably when fd's pa comes in and gently informs me that skirt is tucked in knickers.
Fell down flight of stairs landing in crumpled heap in front of chief exec and two directors. Leapt up trying to pretend all ok or I meant to do it only to keel over again
went to remove stray hair for colleague only to find it was still attached to her lip
returned after hours to collect something only to disturb two colleagues at it like rabbits in the office
Fell (again) over in reception for no apparent reason
the list goes on.......
Oh god, we had a client on the phone who had a prosthetic hand and he had a problem with his computer.
And I helpfully suggested he try pressing ctrl-shift-escape. Long pause while he went to get someone to lend a finger...
Oh, and my 60 something, distinguished boss came in to my office to talk with me about a project I was working on and I had Radio 1 on. At that point, they played French Kiss by Lil Louis. Cue lots of simulated sex noises and moaning, and he was standing between me and the radio. Argh.
As a trainee teacher, I once accidentally dropped and broke a metre long plastic blackboard ruler on the desk of a little boy (well, he was 11).
He wet himself.
Not my proudest moment
Temped in accounts for an electricity company in my teens.
During a spectacularly dull afternoon at work, I dawdled through a visit to the loo just to get away from my desk. I had planned to meet my new boyfriend from work afterwards, and was doing that thing of trying out charming hair-flicks, silent giggles and "Oh really, that's fascinating" faces in the mirror.
Anyway I got a bit carried away to the point that I was turning my back to the mirror, pretending to reach something off a high shelf and lifting my skirt to give a glimpse of the suspenders I was wearing underneath (night of lust planned), then turning back to the mirror and going "Oops!" with a hair flick, then smiling at myself in the mirror and mouthing stuff like "Well, do you like what you see?", winking with my mouth open, etc. The kind of thing that would make me vomit with shame if I ever did it for real. Quite fancied myself though, so repeated it a few times.
Well of course my mousey junior manager walked in during the reaching up part. I don't know how long she was standing there because the fan was quite loud.
The bit that really makes me want to run screaming for the hills is that, as I noticed her during my "oops!" turn, my sick brain decided that the perfect cover would be to pretend to be dancing, so I did a couple more twirls - and a hand clap. Then I marched to the door and said "Hiya!" to her as I passed in an extremely bubbly voice that isn't mine.
I walked into a wall in front of the big boss at work.
He laughed, I cringed and now have to hide whenever I see him.
Went to my first big important client meeting, along with senior colleague, a lovely woman.
Death factors were:
1) Client's total and exact resemblance (hair, clothes, grin, sense of humour) to David Brent
2)Vast dullness of the subject, referring to lots of Level 1, level 2, level 3 crap.
3) Client's huge enthusiasm for vastly dull subject, about which he insisted on harping for four hours.
At the end of a particularly large block of monologue "level 2 blah level 3 witter blah level 1 & level 2" I for no reason asked brightly "What about level 4? [pause - hushed tones] There is no Level 4"
I then cracked up in a spectacular fashion, bright red, gasping, with tears running so hard down my face that I literally slid halfway under the table. Client just kept asking "are you alright? is she ok?" as colleague silently crumbled into hysterics next to me.
'He's not in the office right now, he's on a cheese tour.'
I was working in an office the had an outside storage container for archived files. You know the sort.
One morning I was out the collecting some files, came back into the office with my arms full of boxes so pushed the door open with my hip and turned round quickly to get through before it shut on me. Consequently got my top and the top of my bra caught on the chest height door handle exposing my left boob to the vistors waiting in reception
I couldnt put it away till I'd put all the boxes down. I was only 18 at the time
and LovelyBunch. Your name is hilariously apt too..
I used to visit clients at universities and once went to an important meeting with a friend and colleague. Fir some reason the client decided from the beginning of the meeting that she hated me and made disparaging remarks about my choice of A levels, university etc.
She had a final dig at me at the end of the meeting and turned back to her computer whereupon I turned to my colleague, behind the client's back, crossed my eyes and slapped my forehead repeatedly with both hands - the internationally recognised sign for 'this woman's a complete cow'.
I was somewhat disconcerted when the client then remarked 'I can see you reflected in my computer screen'
I was delivering training and during the break in proceedings I decided I needed the loo and was directed to the disabled toilet.
I went into the loo and did a number two which was bad enough but couldn't be helped. Went to flush the loo and discovered that the poo was a floater and kept on bobbing back up. Desperately tried to weight it down with toilet tissue and re-flush. After about 5 attempts at flushing I realised that it wasn't going to work so decided that more water pressure was needed. Picked up a wastepaper big and filled that with water with the plan of combining the water in the bucket with the water generated from the flush.
Just as I was moving the bin to the loo I slipped on some of the water I had already sloshed around and fell backwards thereby covering myself from head to toe in water.
The poo never did go away and I had to go back to the meeting soaking wet. People kept asking what had happened and I didn't know what to say so I kept on muttering about 'an accident'
I later discovered that everyone had to use the disabled toilet because there were renovations happening on the second floor.
Everyone saw my floating poo and the flood in the toilet so I expect they thought I'd pissed myself too
Not me, my sister. She got into her bosses car to go to a meeting on a cold day, she had been in his car before and knew he had heated seats with the little bars on the display to show how hot they are. She gave a shiver and then said "ooh three fingers for me please"
Another week and another round of redundancies in the firm I worked for. I hated, hated, hated my work. It was so depressing each Friday wondering who would be next to lose their job.
The company itself had been doing well, but after a re-organisation the managers hired in all their mates, and the place was top heavy with power-hungry sleazeballs who didn't do very much and all drove swanky company Mercs, while the admin assistants, receptionists and IT people got paid off. Also they didn't pay the milk bill so there was no milk for our tea/coffee...grrrrr. I think that lowered everyone's spirits more than anything.
My plan was to resign in two weeks. One of my colleagues came to chat to me. He was gutted that he'd just been paid off. I said to him I'll go up and see the HR dept and ask if I could go instead. I had a bit of a cold and did about 6 sneezes in a row into my hand, no tissues handy. Just at that moment my phone rang, the HR manager asking if I had a minute.
I went into his office and he started his prepared speech about the company not doing so well and thanking me for my efforts. I said to him not to bother with the speech, just tell me how much pay off money I was getting and how soon I could leave. I wasn't being rude, I explained him I was going to be resigning so wasn't upset.
When he gave me a figure for my redundancy I though he was a few hundred quid short of what I deserved. He and I then negotiated and he agreed on the higher amount (I like chancing my arm when I have nothing to lose ).
I said "shake?" and we shook hands. Just as I made contact I remembered the sneezing 5 minutes earlier
I needed a laugh and hadn't seen this thread before - I am still only in Nov 08, but Whomovedmycholcoate in particular wins the award for making me need tissues for "eye leakage" the most so far!!!
I may even remember something worthy of inclusion by the time I finish reading it all!!
I have quite a few, but here's a quick one -
I once sent an email to our MD's PA, Shirley. I had accidentally typed 'Dear Shitley'. (Well, R and T are next to each other on the keyboard!)
She was not happy.
I once sent a big long email to the head of Middle East and North Africa for a major construction consultant company, informing him of the poor performance of his team. The financial information was always inconsistent, often inaccurate and also often not even adding up correctly, the progress information inaccurate, people behaving unprofessionally in meetings, inaccurate contractual advice, there were simple spelling mistakes within the reports, you know, generally bollocking them for being shite. It was maybe 2 pages if it had been printed. I copied in our legal department, my boss, his boss, EVERYONE important in our company. I'd been panicking about the email all day, and 3 of us spent a couple of hours redrafting it because we were setting it up so that the boss's boss could cancel their contract.
I ended the email with 'Please arrange with * for a suitable time to meet with (Mr Big Boss Man) to discuss your strategy for moving forward in a positive manner.
Only, I didn't write regards.... After an email telling him his team were utterly shite and whinging about spelling mistakes and typos (which I raised to highlight the lack of professionalism), I wrote...
I only noticed when the guy who sits next to me fell off his chair laughing (he was a co-conspriator in writing the mail). Not all my Recall Messages worked. The only ones that weren't successfully recalled - the intended recipient and my boss's boss.
This one made me laugh out loud.
Reading this thread has just reminded me of this one actually.
Picture the scene ..... I'm 8 months pregnant with DC (2) and just been told I was being made redundant so feeling slightly, emotional, hysterical, homocidal. I sat next to an extremely efficient and hardworking colleague who also happened to be a total pain in the arse and a complete arse licker (his job was safe).
He took a call from a very difficult client who was having problems with one of her customers refusing to pay their bills. This client would think nothing of moaning non-stop for 45 mins at a time on the phone and my colleague was struggling. Unfortunately the customer refusing to pay her was called "Bite Me " So every 5 mins or so my colleague would say "Yes, yes ...I know... Bite Me......" Tears were rolling down my cheeks with laughter and I actually pissed myself as my pelvic floor never fully recovered after having DC no 1.
Just yesterday... In a meeting with our most important clients, my Boss was carrying around a pot of coffee asking if anyone wants a refill. I meant to see fill me... I said finger me. I died. I just died.
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