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Anyone want to come and mourn the reality vs expectation of new purchases with me?

(598 Posts)
Swimminguphill Thu 07-Dec-17 15:16:11

I bought this beautiful jacket online. In my mind I'd look like Blondie in the 80s, very rock and roll and all round awesome. In reality I look like a giant angry teddy bear/yeti. I have broad shoulders and a bust although slim in general, and it doesn't do me any favours. I wanted it for ages and it's now sold out, and so the joy of getting it in my size just in time is sadly wasted. It is a beautiful jacket - just not on me! Anybody else want to come and mourn reality vs fantasy with me?

MightyMunki Thu 07-Dec-17 15:23:31

I had an unfortunate encounter with a velvet floral pair of dungarees that looked lovely online, but clung to my post c section pooch in ways I will never forget.

PavlovaPlease Thu 07-Dec-17 15:25:35

I bought a sequin jacket that I'd spotted on Instagram. I looked like Lionel Blair in it.

PNGirl Thu 07-Dec-17 15:34:25

I bought Cherry Red Dr Marten Chelsea boots (the 2976, very round toe, unisex ones). Expectation - slightly rock chick, hipster outfits because my black laceups make me feel awesome.

Reality - clown shoes

Swimminguphill Thu 07-Dec-17 16:20:23

Oh these are priceless! Thank you everyone, now laughing not mourning. I genuinely think that some pieces just don't ever look the same IRL than they do online/in pictures... It's not us it's them, right?

SmileChuck Thu 07-Dec-17 16:50:54

Cos skirt. I wanted to look scandi effortless cool. I looked like a Triangle.

Printed jumper. I wanted a slightly quirky alternative to plain knits for winter. the reality was I looked like a Toddler.

SmileChuck Thu 07-Dec-17 16:51:25

I like that jacket though.

thatmincepiehasgone Thu 07-Dec-17 16:54:42

I bought this dress for a party. In my head I looked like an older Pippa Middleton.
The reality is that I look like a middle aged housewife attending her husband's firm's annual dinner dance at a Berni Inn.

mirren3 Thu 07-Dec-17 17:10:38

I looked like Lionel Blair That has got to be the funniest thing I've read all day.

Swimminguphill Thu 07-Dec-17 17:15:10

SmileChuck you too can look like an angry teddy in a few days when the one I return goes back online grin

It's funny how it's the things we have greatest hopes for that are the most disappointing. I never get this upset about wellies or anoracks.

mrsmonkey14 Thu 07-Dec-17 17:15:16

Thank you. Having a shitty day and am pissing myself laughing at these!

zippyswife Thu 07-Dec-17 17:36:39

These are great.

HappyVan Thu 07-Dec-17 17:38:15

This happens to me alot. That's why I do lots of returns.

Laiste Thu 07-Dec-17 17:46:12

I look pretty good in a clingy mini, I have good legs, my arse is ok.

Repeatedly over the last couple of winters i've gone in full of hope and tried on ..... a Skater Skirt.

''Hmm, nice with opaques and my suede boots i think. Not much different to my straight ones surely ...''


Every.single.time i just look like a hippo in a bloody tutu and get depressed angrysadconfused

FlorenceLyons Thu 07-Dec-17 17:57:24

This Cos dress:

It's a gorgeous colour. I thought it looked great in the changing room. Whenever I wear it I feel like a pregnant toddler.

ihatethecold Thu 07-Dec-17 18:11:46

That Cos dress looks so unflattering.

hollygolipo Thu 07-Dec-17 18:27:51

I bought the red Zara frayed edge coat and looked like a member of a Beatles tribute act. Also spent £400 on a beautiful soft leather jacket only to see Suzi Quattro's fat nan staring back at me in the mirror.

Leviticus Thu 07-Dec-17 18:51:13

Every bloody thing I buy on eBay. I never learn.

IJustLostTheGame Thu 07-Dec-17 19:15:59

Mom jeans.
I look like a mom, and not in a good way.
My latest purchase was an oversized coat. I wanted to look all effortlessly instacool and laidback chic.
I look like a tramp in it.

WillowySnicket Thu 07-Dec-17 19:17:47

Every bloody thing I buy on eBay. I never learn.


Wilburissomepig Thu 07-Dec-17 19:21:05

A gorgeous grey leather biker jacket, it was beautiful but definitely not on me. I looked like a Hell's Angel's nan in it.

LaurieFairyCake Thu 07-Dec-17 19:23:28

A navy Burberry Mac

Homeless art teacher

BreakfastAtSquiffanys Thu 07-Dec-17 19:27:47

Boyfriend jeans.

I look like a boy friend

FetchezLaVache Thu 07-Dec-17 19:27:56

I bought this on the strength of the reviews, as it clearly flatters absolutely every figure...

...except mine. I am 5'4", a size 8-10 and reasonably in proportion, but this made me look like I had no waist and the biggest thunder thighs in the kingdom.

Have returned it. sad

BreakfastAtSquiffanys Thu 07-Dec-17 19:32:41

I can't provide a link but I bought a full length black strap on evening dress.
I expected Angelina Jolie when her posed leg ended up with its own twitter account.

I looked like Morticia Addams' fat sister

kalinkafoxtrot45 Thu 07-Dec-17 19:37:59

Arf at Suzi Quatro's fat nan.

I bought a Cos top thinking I would ooze minimalist chic. I looked like a child had drawn me with blunt crayons.

Deathraystare Thu 07-Dec-17 19:40:44

Forever reading that wrap around dresses are good for curvy girls - well if you want to look like you have a sofa up your dress, yes indeedy! That is what I look like!

LazyDailyMailJournos Thu 07-Dec-17 19:42:59

Fetchez I bought the stripy version of it, also on the strength of the reviews. Looked like a complete sack of spuds in it, but DH had been super efficient and binned all the paperwork, so it went to the charity shop.

GardenGeek Thu 07-Dec-17 19:47:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JennyHolzersGhost Thu 07-Dec-17 19:49:48

Everything I’ve ever bought from Toast. Except one pair of crepe trousers which were THE perfect work trousers and of course they never made them again.

reallyorange Thu 07-Dec-17 19:49:58

Tried on a stretchy sequin dress with long sleeves, I thought the style was fairly modest (not short or low-cut) but the all-over sequins in midnight blue would look very cool.
I still managed to look like Tina Turner despite normally looking a young 30-year-old. I think it's the thickness/weight of the fabric!

stealthbanana Thu 07-Dec-17 20:05:33

florence I have that cos dress in navy. It only hits my mid thigh (maybe that model has a v v long waist?) and, thinking about it, I did wear it a lot in the first two trimesters of pregnancy.

My ongoing nemeses are floral dresses and pointed flats. The floral dresses - expectation: floaty, boho, effortlessly cool. Reality: like a carpeted sofa/elderly church flower arranger. Pointed flats - expectation: French, chic, striding confidently through life. Reality - with size 8 feet, clown feet/duck feet. And none of them are even ever comfortable!

FlorenceLyons Thu 07-Dec-17 20:56:12

Yes, it's very short on me too, banana. And I can just feel people surreptitiously sneaking glances at my stomach when I wear it. It needs to go to the charity shop!

allfurcoatnoknickers Thu 07-Dec-17 21:34:19

I just bought a floral wrap dress with ruffles and a deep V neck. I imagined myself as looking like Monica Bellucci in D&G in Palermo.

I actually look like Ma Larkin. It’s going back. Immediately.

LazyDailyMailJournos Thu 07-Dec-17 21:50:46

Garden it's from Hush.

mizu Thu 07-Dec-17 22:04:25

These are hilarious.

Second hand wide leg cropped jeans, sold as vintage, thought I'd look hip and cool wearing them with a grey wool jumper.

Just look like a twat grin who is trying way too hard. Jeans slightly too tight at the top as vintage and so smaller than sizes today.

The jeans were eBay and cheap but I should know by now to NEVER buy jeans on line.

thedevilinablackdress Thu 07-Dec-17 22:10:19

Where to start? Most often I buy something that I think will look ironically cool, e.g. the long pale blue tartan skirt that was identical to one I saw the model Laura Bailey wearing in a magazine. All casual insouciance with a man's shirt sort of thing. I mostly look like Miss Jean Brodie. Not necessarily a bad look but not what I was aiming for. In fact I'm going to stop pretending and embrace this. Lots of velvet, cardigans and polo necks for the rest of the winter I think.

Glamorousglitter Thu 07-Dec-17 22:10:19

Unreal fur gilet - expectation - Kate Moss esque cool with black jeans and black sweater ....
Reality - baseball player shoulders with fluffy bits everywhere .... and

katplva Thu 07-Dec-17 22:12:48

I tried that same dress Fetchez and yes, the reality was a sack of spuds! And yet theoretically it should have worked and so many (online) were raving about it. It looked so good in my head smile

thedevilinablackdress Thu 07-Dec-17 22:13:02

Just spotted your post Mizu. I could have written this! I got a pair of vintage Levi's in the size I normally wear. Would not go on. Also many odd cropped efforts.

Glamorousglitter Thu 07-Dec-17 22:15:12

Oops 'ultra cool oversized all saints asymmetric coat '

Reality shapeless sack like coat made me think of a fisherman - (and it was cold too)

crazymissdaisy Thu 07-Dec-17 22:18:34

Tried contouring: " ooh " said my 10 year old daughter with genuine admiration " it looks like you've drawn Maleficent on a paper plate"confused

thedevilinablackdress Thu 07-Dec-17 22:20:36

In summer I vary my look, trying out button front floral skirts and dresses thinking I am pulling off a 70s Fleetwood Mac vibe. The reality is Joyce Barnaby from Midsomer Murders.

LentilBaby Thu 07-Dec-17 22:26:47

A good few years ago bought a military style long cardigan/coat thing. Looked like I should have been playing the trombone for the Salvation Army. 🙄

poppym12 Thu 07-Dec-17 22:36:31

The stylish but casual black playsuit I bought for summer beach holidays that would make me look effortlessly chic....... nope. Looked like Tinky Winky gone emo.

WontLetThoseRobotsDefeatMe Thu 07-Dec-17 22:37:41

A pinstripe shirt dress in a sort of stretch/billowy fabric. I thought it would look effortlessly chic with bare legs in September, then I could stick thick tights under it for winter.

In reality, the stretch top and billowy arms (gathered daintily at the elbow) give me an enormous Carry On Matron bust which looks ridiculous.

FetchezLaVache Thu 07-Dec-17 22:41:31

@GardenGeek it is indeed from Hush. I am so glad I am not the only person who failed to rock the look!

thedevilinablackdress Thu 07-Dec-17 22:44:58

Emo Tinky Winky gringrin

Naughtysausage Thu 07-Dec-17 22:45:35

Every pair of dungarees (--I know, I know--) I've tried to buy. I imagine casual, long limbed, fun.
Actually it looks like they've squished all the fat from my legs out over the top of the dungarees.
I keep thinking it's the cut and I try on a new pair, then have a moment of genuine horror in the changing room. How can one person with such normal looking legs have such a bloated back? Where has this odd fat come from? It wasn't that bad 10 minutes ago, WAS IT???

TooExtraImmatureCheddar Thu 07-Dec-17 22:50:00

A navy tartan circle midi skirt from Joanie Clothing. The 12 has a smaller waist than Topshop size 10 (which I am not any more). The material bunched horribly over my hips. Nope! I was thinking librarian chic but the reality was NOT GOOD. I must remember to return it.

PookieSnackenberger Thu 07-Dec-17 22:52:18

God - so many to choose from. Totally agree with PP that my list includes most of the stuff I buy off Ebay. In my head it's always going to be fabulous.

Fitflop winter boots; my expectation was sublime comfort combined with casual chic. The reality was leather toddler wellies. Not good.

PMSL at Suzi Quatro's fat nan. DH asked if someone had mentioned yellow jerseys again grin

BreakfastAtSquiffanys Thu 07-Dec-17 22:58:41

Striped Breton top.
Expectation - casual French insouciance
Reality - Where's Wally in drag

Goddamitt Thu 07-Dec-17 23:01:47

I bought a silver, DKNY leather jacket on EBay. Even got into a bidding war as I was so desperate to win it. I awaited it’s arrival eagerly. I looked like Michael Jackson in the BAD years.

Featherstep Fri 08-Dec-17 01:13:36

Great thread, we need this as the Christmas and sale season trigger mad online buying!

Another one who regrets many ebay purchases. Esp since there's no returns there.

Ah that hush dress! I've also been considering it, am also 5'4, size 8, suspect I'd be hugely disappointed as well... saw it in John Lewis and the XS looked massive!

oldlaundbooth Fri 08-Dec-17 01:35:57

Sorry just had to

arousingcheer Fri 08-Dec-17 03:18:02

FetchezLaVache that dress (stripy version) made me look like a rugby player in drag. I have quite a slim waist but the top part is enormous so I looked like a broad-shouldered long-waisted uniboob. And if your arse is your largest feature 'ruching' makes it look like you're wearing a skirt two sizes too small.
I find Hush clothes flatter the sporty/boyish figure but not the bumpy one.

LazyDailyMailJournos Fri 08-Dec-17 06:36:36

I am relieved that others also found the Hush dress a bit...unflattering...

Also, shell tops. I aim for something that goes well with a pair of jeans or 7/8 trousers and can be dressed up and down. The reality is that they are almost always too short and cut me in half right across the waist to maximise the dumpiness. And that there is never enough room round the bust so your norks end up being squashed. The overall effect is of a sausage that someone has tried to stuff back into its skin.

PavlovaPlease Fri 08-Dec-17 06:45:23

Wide legged, frayed cropped flares. In my head: insouciant tomboy chic. In reality: pirate.

I have just realised this purchase was inspired by the same IG-er who inspired the Lionel Blair jacket. Must unfollow.

Moogletea Fri 08-Dec-17 06:53:00

A beautiful layered neckline dress from Monsoon

I looked like a Triceratop in it - come near me and I'll raise my neck frill in defence

TossDaily Fri 08-Dec-17 07:17:46

A Fairisle jumper. I was aiming for Sarah Lund Scandi chic.

I missed and hit Sarah Ferguson holidaying in Balmoral in 1983.

Arsenicinthesugarbowl Fri 08-Dec-17 07:29:35

Haha! Pavlova I’ve been shamed by many an Instagram inspired purchase. The frill sleeved top that I had hoped would say sultry senorita but actually said “fancy dress-as a bird” is one classic.blush

PavlovaPlease Fri 08-Dec-17 07:38:54

EBay cashmere. In my head: stylish, classy, grown up. Reality: cat blanket.

MartinRohdesBellybuttonFluff Fri 08-Dec-17 08:10:49

Pleated midi skirt - was hoping for cool (with biker jacket and boots) with feminine twist but instead I looked like...

Barbara Woodhouse/off duty nun about to break into a trot while showing my Afghan hound in the ring at Crufts fblush

TossDaily Fri 08-Dec-17 08:18:31

God, pleated midiskirts.

I had a metallic silver one. I looked like I was wearing the bottom half of a Dalek costume.

thedevilinablackdress Fri 08-Dec-17 08:18:45

This thread is full of gems.. Triceratops neck frill grin

LazyDailyMailJournos Fri 08-Dec-17 08:21:17

I am howling at the Triceratops neck frill grin

Love these types of thread. It makes me feel much less alone in getting it completely wrong!

EverythingEverywhere1234 Fri 08-Dec-17 08:27:39

This is the most amazing thread 😂

slimyslitheryslug Fri 08-Dec-17 08:30:00

Brilliant, brilliant thread.
I, too, am delighted with the Hush dress failures. So many rave reviews from so many different shaped people that I have been tempted but, as a short pear with a large backside even by average pear standards, I just couldn't see how it would work. I may have been right for once.
Shirt dresses are my nemesis. Or they were for about 10 years until I finally realised that all of my colleagues who looked effortlessly cool & chic in them were taller, thinner and, most importantly, more boyish in their shape than me. It also dawned on me over time that the fact that there was actually a lot of effort going in as most of them were spending an hour in the gym each day & having regular beauty treatments and had time for shopping sprees as they were all 20 somethings on a six figure salary and with no dependents whereas I was a haggard 30 something who was either just back from maternity leave/sleep deprived/pregnant/back from
maternity leave and even more sleep deprived than before/still sleep deprived.

MistyMeena Fri 08-Dec-17 08:48:41

Ah what an unexpected gem of a thread 😂

TossDaily Fri 08-Dec-17 09:03:18

Also, a cotton summer midi skirt from Toast, which I wore with a semi-tucked in white t-shirt, as advised by numerous fashionistas, and Birkenstocks.

DP took a snap of me wandering around the garden. I looked like I was getting some fresh air in some kind of secure facility for disturbed middle aged women.


stealthbanana Fri 08-Dec-17 09:23:17

toss gringringrin

bellsandwhistles89 Fri 08-Dec-17 09:24:34

@crazymissdaisy I just laughed out loud at work, just stop it now. wink

poppym12 Fri 08-Dec-17 10:01:33

The oversized scarf to casually wrap around any wintery outfit making it look chic. Nope. Clint Eastwood in a spaghetti western.

LentilBaby Fri 08-Dec-17 10:23:02

Need to stop reading this thread, my 9 week old baby is trying to sleep on me but mummy’s tummy keeps shaking violently with laughter 😂

SplatPancake Fri 08-Dec-17 10:26:01

Suzi Quatro's fat nan. Lionel Blair. Bewildered middle aged air - taker.

I'm so glad I'm working from home today,quite literally lolling out loud grin

LePetitPont Fri 08-Dec-17 10:37:03

I think this is my favourite mishap so far! Play suits are tricky characters. As, I imagine, Emo tinky winky would be grin

LePetitPont Fri 08-Dec-17 10:39:46

The above should have been to poppym12 - but lots of great mishaps to choose from.

A shirt dress from everything five pounds that made me look like a short, fat lamp.

TawnyPippit Fri 08-Dec-17 10:40:08

Ah, poppym12, I'm with you here. My wrap was actually in a "buttery soft suede".

I looked just like Lee van Cleef.

TossDaily Fri 08-Dec-17 11:00:22

Haircuts can be buggers for this too.

More than once I've aimed for a Louise Brooks bob and instead achieved Hamble off Playschool or Richard III.

And we don't talk about the bright red pixie crop that made me look like a fat match blush

RubbishMantra Fri 08-Dec-17 11:06:03

These beautiful Joseph brogues caused much wailing and gnashing of teeth. Lord knows what sizing structure they use, but they were an inch longer than the size they were supposed to be and so narrow that surely only a skeleton could have jammed their foot into them. When I eventually did persuade them onto my feet, they were more uncomfortable than any pair of stilettos I've ever worn. sad

AccidentallyRunToWindsor Fri 08-Dec-17 11:11:29

@TossDaily I agree with the hair cut drama I aimed for a sleek Victoria Beckham inverted bob. What I got was Errol Flynn as Robin Hood.

Wandastartup Fri 08-Dec-17 11:12:10

Silver puffs jacket= overweight spaceman.
I in contrast to others on the thread am still wearing it as it's lovely and warm!

hollygolipo Fri 08-Dec-17 11:12:33

Oh god haircuts... expectation: cascading corkscrew curls, reality: Noddy Holder...

Holyknight Fri 08-Dec-17 11:12:46

A plain white cotton shirt with frilly stand-up collar from Cos last summer. I saw a v cool looking woman wearing it walking along Kings Road last summer. Bought it in sale, persuaded myself it was sweet. Got home and decided I looked like an uncooked Cornish Pasty in it. Is hung at back of wardrobe waiting to look nice with something, somehow, someday.

IJustLostTheGame Fri 08-Dec-17 11:19:23

I look like a tragic wannabe children's tv presenter from the 80s.

Floisme Fri 08-Dec-17 11:32:36

I haven't even got the expectation. I know this will end in tears:
Christopher Lemaire for Uniqlo

They keep selling out so the link my not work but basically they're ultra long, ultra wide leg cords and even they say 'best worn with heels'. I am 5'3 and only wear flats but I've been tracking them for weeks and I can't hold out any longer.

leedy Fri 08-Dec-17 11:35:45

Another Toast midi skirt victim here. I thought it would look sort of effortlessly chic with a tucked-in Breton and a belt, instead I looked like Sister Paula the "cool" nun who taught art.

Also learned to never buy Cos online after buying a)a drapy dress that was so confusing I couldn't get into it and b)a cocoony dress that made me look like I was about to say Mass.

QueenThisTime Fri 08-Dec-17 11:36:54

Oh I'm at home on this thread. I love ebay and have got some much-loved fabulous things but the misses are really bad.

sparkly pink cardigan - I don't know what I was thinking, some kind of delicate Marant-ish chic effect maybe. Reality - loud embarrassing sitcom grandma.

Mango summer jumpsuit thing in fabulous orange print, I would look floaty and nonchalant. Reality - I had underestimated the size of my arse - floaty elsewhere, tight over bulging upper thighs and bum which emphasized them so I looked like and orange print hippo.

Toast A-line sweatshirt dress - I would channel cool Scandi-esque androgyny. Reality - way too short, made me look like several sacks of potatoes atop two tree trunks.

I just love the look of A-line shaped dresses that fall from the shoulders and are so loose, casual and relaxed a la cos. On the model that is. It just doesn't work on me, I'm pear-shaped and I know that a fitted look works best on me, but I can't resist trying on those dresses. Every single time I look like a huge barrel.

AnnabelleLecter Fri 08-Dec-17 11:37:05

I volunteered for make-up demo on cruise ship.
Promised: bronze godess
Actual: oompa loompa

I was persuaded fairly heavily (comission) didn't buy obviously.

AquaAddict Fri 08-Dec-17 11:39:21

My worst was the silver pixie crop. I looked like a fat knackered old man. Until I put make up on. Then I looked like a fat knackered old man in drag. Not the look I was aiming for. It's taken me 3 years to grow that horror out

And we don't talk about the black brocade jeans. The woman I saw in them looked amazing. I looked like an overstuffed black puddingblush

QueenThisTime Fri 08-Dec-17 11:43:11

At least I know not to go near that raved-about hush dress. Loose flappy waist and tight on the thighs - it would be an utter disaster.

Crying at "fat match" and "getting some fresh air in some kind of secure facility for disturbed middle aged women" grin

To be fair a lot of the Toast catalogue looks like that, except it's for young, very pissed off women grin

Giggorata Fri 08-Dec-17 11:54:24

Crying at this thread!
My contribution - a pastel linen dropped waist summer dress to waft about in. Aiming for languid, cool, chic - actually achieved lumpen maiden Aunt. sad

MorrisZapp Fri 08-Dec-17 11:54:43

The three hardest words in the style lexicon:


They never look crisp. They instantly rumple. And I have never managed to not look like a waitress or a troublingly old school girl while wearing one.

I have finally, finally given myself permission to let the idea drop from my life altogether. Feels great.

leedy Fri 08-Dec-17 11:56:02

Oh, just remembered another one. A lovely chambray shirt.

The dream: sort of off duty version of the crisp white shirt
The reality: bus driver

Inarightpickleandchutney Fri 08-Dec-17 11:56:39

A fringe. I never learn.
I think I’ll look younger effortless and stylish.
I actually look like I have clip on Lego hair.

QueenThisTime Fri 08-Dec-17 11:58:21

God yes! Every magazine fashion editor on the planet wants you to get "the perfect crisp white shirt" hmm I'm tall with short hair and wearing a white shirt immediately makes me look like a man. I don't know many women it suits in fact.

Floisme Fri 08-Dec-17 12:00:56

I don't have many rules but one of them is that any item of clothing that needs its own adjective is going to be shit.
'Crisp white shirt.'
'Buttery soft leather.'
'Killer heels'.
'Classic trench coat.'

Plus anything described as an 'investment'.

MorrisZapp Fri 08-Dec-17 12:03:34

As for the 'classic trench', I've managed to reach middle age without ever meeting anyone who owns one.

Maybe classic actually means 'worn by a tiny, shrinking minority of people'.

I'm going to break into a fashion editors house one day and ram the evidence (jeans, jumpers, scruffs) in their face while shouting 'Is THIS classic? And THIS?'

Floisme Fri 08-Dec-17 12:10:30

It's 'buttery leather' that winds me up the most. I like leather the way it used to be, you know when you had to break it in and the longer you wore it, the better it looked?

I'm in a bad mood now, just thinking about it.

thedevilinablackdress Fri 08-Dec-17 12:11:11

Thank goodness (though kinda sad for this thread) that eBay on my phone only goes back so far in my purchase history or I could really see how many howlers there have been. The occasional gem seems to make it worthwhile though. I've never really gambled but I imagine it's a bit like waiting to see if your eBay purchase will live up to your fantasy or if you have to shove the offending item in the charity bag, making a payment t with your own brain never to speak of it again.

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