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Page 13 | Household objects that are pricks

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TossDaily Thu 12-Oct-17 12:46:03

My toaster, for one. Shits crumbs everywhere, no matter how often you clean it out. I swear it holds them back and waits for an inconvenient moment to let rip.

My hoover is a fucking clumsy twat as well. It keeps tripping over its own lead and pulling its plug out.

Anyone else got a deep hatred of their so-called labour-saving devices?

yes I'm bored of cleaning now

OP’s posts: |
footchewer Mon 29-Apr-19 12:49:15


> Modern printers are pricks.

Any printer, of any vintage or provenance you might care to name, daring to show its loathsome, accursed beige plastic face on my premises ever again can fuck intercontinentally off with a one-way ticket to hell sellotaped to its fucking cyan cartridge. Not in my house, not while I have my strength.

And, now I think about it, paper. Paper is a prick. Clogging up my house with its self-important ring-binders and book covers and folders. Crumbling to nothing at the bottom of my bag with crucial proof of purchase no longer legible on it. Getting ripped and raggedy in the kids' bedrooms. Defacing our fridge, crucified with magnets to hold it up so that we can remember to go to birthday parties because people insist on sending paper invitations. Fucking paper is a car-crash of a data-storage medium. It sits on shelves waiting for me, daring me to try and find it, laughing silently. Knowing that where I last put it is nowhere near where I now think I last put it, or where I should have put it. Knowing that each of its poxy little fading, un-searchable sheets, containing some precious nugget of indispensable information (policy number, customer number), is one of thousands of near-identical, poxy little fading, un-searchable sheets (some of them up-to-date, some of them out-of-date, and how will I know which is which?). I recently got into an argument with a lawyer because she insisted that her client had produced an 24-page document as evidence, whereas we had a 26-page document. It was the same document (it even had the same indecipherable hand-written notes on it), but when we scanned it, it had cover pages at the front and back, whereas by the time she saw it the cover pages had gone missing. Fucking paper. (Fucking lawyers as well actually, but even I hesitate to refer to them as appliances.)

UKCougar Thu 16-May-19 17:48:38

I got my first computer in 1983. I've been working professionally with them since 1992, of which a large amount of that was in or around support. I've worked on everything from glorified pocket calculators to server estates costing hundreds of thousands of pounds.

I've seen technology advance from when 48kB of memory was considered a lot, to where 4GB is considered not enough; from when installing a card in a PC involved half a day of setting jumpers and DIP switches and swearing at configuration files, to plug it in and it'll probably Just Work and you don't even need to switch it off to do it; from spending the GDP of a smaller developing nation on a hard disk, to having a thousand times that amount of storage on my gorram keyring.

And the one thing that's remained a constant throughout all that time, from the mid-80s right up until the present day, is that getting a paragraph onto a piece of paper is always going to be a right cunt of a job.

DoctorDread Thu 16-May-19 19:21:19

@UKCougar fucking yes!

ChristmasFluff Sun 26-May-19 16:12:42

OMG, the goddamn printer!

My bastard printer has always behaved perfectly. Clearly lulling me into a false sense of security and just waiting for the day when I had to print off a RyanAir boarding pass. Because it knew that I'd then have no reason to suspect its undermining little arse - no reason to check it hadn't suddenly decided to print black as pale blue.

I'm sure we all know how this ended.

footchewer Thu 17-Oct-19 17:11:35

In case anyone isn't aware, the sublime Dave Gorman is in agreement with those of us who recognise the diabolical maleficence programmed in to printers. Well-worth watching if you have a UKTV login.

"Being gifted an Epson Stylus Photo R800 is like being given a puppy that only eats gold".

There is a happy ending.

BrightYellowDaffodil Sun 20-Oct-19 16:57:53

My Windows laptop. Someone was giving it away and I thought it'd be handy for when you need to use Windows rather than Apple software (Indian visa application website, I'm looking at you). So there's that one time where you think "Oh, I wonder if this will work better on the other laptop?" and you fire it up (having first located the charging cable because obviously the bastarding battery is flat). But wait, what do we have here?

"Installing update 1 of 946"

Where is the NOT NOW, NOT FUCKING NOW I'VE GOT A TRAIN TO CATCH AND I NEED TO DOWNLOAD THE TICKETS button? Nowhere to be found, that's where, because - sanctimonious arsehole that it is - it thinks these updates are for your own good. Bastard.

The tumbledrier is a wanker too, what with its "filter blocked" warning light. On it pops and you drag out the filter to find a hair so microscopic it's invisible to the Hubble telescope let alone the human eye. Other times, however, there's enough hair in it to knit your own woolly mammoth and not so much as a blink from that fucking light. Bastard.

The printer has long since been banished under the sofa as punishment for its myriad crimes: not connecting, pretending it hasn't got any paper in it, complaining its cartridges are only 98.5% full etc. etc. An absolutely bastarding bastard.

Oh, I nearly forgot the bathroom extractor fan. It broke and one of the outside flaps fell off so it serves no purpose other than being a hole in the wall that makes the bathroom - and the entire house, if you forget to close the door - colder than a penguins knackers. Bastard.

Hittapotamus Wed 26-Feb-20 22:56:54

I am now sacrificing my printer at the altar of time and effort.

It clunks like a 4x4 shunting a crash barrier and pauses to point out there's a paper jam.

I can quite clearly see there isn't as I haven't actually put any paper in yet. I've only just turned it on.

Clunk clunk paper jam. It is literally impossible to solve a problem that doesn't exist. Off to the tip with you!

This is after years of suffering the wireless printer needs a wire to print bollocks. Changed internet provider and the bastard thing refused to make friends with the wifi. The new one works via bluetooth with any device. Out with you you wired prick!

Riddo Tue 03-Mar-20 08:14:26

All technology in our house hates me the misogynistic bastards. All DH has to do is walk into the room and they start working. I once rang him about the printer and it started to work while we were on the phone 😡

erniepigy Sat 07-Mar-20 17:57:18

Best thread EVER, keep em coming girls I’m laughing my head off as this is how I think about everything and everyone!
You are all hilarious x

Bozlem80 Sat 07-Mar-20 18:27:03

I have a fucking list, my stupid bitch bag mother fucker tumble dryer, needs cleaning all the fucking time, not only does it have a lint catcher but a pissing filter at the bottom that has to be washed out, whenever it konks out & I get an engineer out they always say in a patronising voice you really should clean the filters out more often!

Next up my hob it’s a pissing induction hob & if get any water on it or clean it the fucker just constantly beeps!

The oven beeps as well so does the fucking fridge freezer if leave the door open too long, good I know but so pissing annoying too!

My google home the twat just doesn’t listen & knows fuck all if ask it anything l!

TypingoftheDead Sun 08-Mar-20 01:14:47

The hose on the Henry hoover at work likes to split open occasionally when I try and turn him a little bit, meaning you have to cut the excess off before the whole thing starts unravelling like a bloody corkscrew then try and screw it back into the thing that goes on his face. I used to be able to hoover above the curtain rails just by lifting my arm - now I have to hold Henry with one hand and hoover up high with the other, while trying not to fall over stuff as I'm working my way round tables and things.
The washing machine/dryer also like tripping the fuse box now and then.
The lift is the worst - it's old anyway, mostly OK despite that, but it has been known to break down for weeks at a time, even after a service. We know some of the lift engineers on a first name basis now.

labazsisgoingmad Sun 08-Mar-20 17:00:12

got to be the printer here as well. It takes so long to print you have forgotten what you asked it to print by the time its done it. i am fed up of my partner swearing his head off at it as he has no patience. oh yes and we have tried everything but it hates the wifi so its back to an old fashioned cable which means you have a tiny area you have to squeeze in to connect to your laptop.
can i mention energy saving light bulbs? no wonder they gave them away you sit in the gloom hardly able to see anything i assume it is my partner sat on the sofa!

HaggisTheGreat Mon 09-Mar-20 17:53:06

Fucking not connecting, ink guzzling, sanctimonious arse of a printer here too sad I need to LTB. @Hittapotamus - what Bluetooth printer did you get? Was it less of an arse in the long run?

Hittapotamus Mon 09-Mar-20 18:22:59

@HaggisTheGreat HP OfficeJet 3835 Wireless Printer

DH uses them at work so was easy to set up.

Icare1234 Sun 15-Mar-20 19:33:15

My washer/dryer has a pause setting. Doesn’t work. You can pause and open the door if it has only just started a wash. What you can’t do is pause and open at any point during the drying cycle. Pause yes, open door - nope. So you have to turn the whole thing off at which point yes you can open but you then have to reprogrammed. Bastard.

footchewer Wed 08-Jul-20 18:19:54

Huzzah, the Dave Gorman printer sequence I mentioned above is up on Youtube now!

Please watch, dear Printer Hater, if you haven't seen it before; I promise it will make your day.

AngryBananaSund Tue 14-Jul-20 13:21:29

Our bastard Dyson that lulls us into false hope as it does a great job of hoovering up the (clean) litter our house cat kicks out of her tray before she uses it. But when you are done, and turn the bastard off, it regurgitates said litter all over the nice clean floor

everythingbackbutyou Sun 06-Sep-20 06:48:12

Oh, I am coming back to this thread when I have a spare moment. I have found my people!

SedentaryCat Mon 30-Nov-20 09:51:14

The Dyson. Split its hose every 12 months or so - expensive to replace. Apparently 'never loses suction'. Their testing facility obviously doesn't include 'teenage daughter's bedroom' as a scenario.

The number of times I've had the thing apart made me wonder whether I could make a good living as a Dyson engineer.

It's been replaced with a Shark.

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