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My husband has just caught me doing something terrible and embarrassing...

(423 Posts)

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PrettyRicky Thu 19-Jan-17 10:24:46

My DH came home unexpectedly and I was in the kitchen doing something I probably shouldn't have been doing but which I do every time I'm home alone.

I was having an imaginary interview on Radio 4 Woman's Hour about my new, hugely critically acclaimed novel.

DH walked in just as I was saying to Jane Garvey "That's an interesting question, Jane. The book's really a reflection on womanhood at times of crisis".

He was just stood there at the kitchen door and said "What is? Who's Jane?" and then looked around the corner to our dining table, presumably expecting to find someone called Jane who'd popped around for a brew.

PrettyRicky Thu 19-Jan-17 10:25:48

There was no woman called Jane, there is no novel and my DH now thinks I'm a complete nut job.

LadyTrevelyan Thu 19-Jan-17 10:26:23

grin

BursarsFrogs Thu 19-Jan-17 10:26:32

Hehe, I love that grin

BankWadger Thu 19-Jan-17 10:26:40

grin

MrsA2015 Thu 19-Jan-17 10:27:43

This is brilliant, you should've kept up the act all day just to mess with him!

minipie Thu 19-Jan-17 10:27:53

grin your husband is now probably quite worried about you

Maudlinmaud Thu 19-Jan-17 10:28:29

Well done op!
I'm glad I'm not disturbed in the shower when I'm accepting my oscar.

whifflesqueak Thu 19-Jan-17 10:28:35

I think that should be a rite of passage for any relationship.

first kiss
meeting the parents
walking in on pretend interviews with the host of a radio 4 programme.

user1475253854 Thu 19-Jan-17 10:29:03

grin

SallyInSweden Thu 19-Jan-17 10:29:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrettyRicky Thu 19-Jan-17 10:30:05

Whifflesqueak That's a great idea. We've been together 12 years. I can't believe it's taken this long to get to this rite of passage!!

MrDacresEUSubsidy Thu 19-Jan-17 10:30:12

grin sorry but it did make me laugh.

From experience, you need to front it out. So if he thinks you're a nutter then airily tell him that you were practising for a presentation at work. If he wants to know what womanhood has to do with it, then look affronted and tell him that obviously equality and the glass ceiling are fundamental issues in the workplace, so how could you overlook them? If he wants to know who 'Jane' is then tell him it's someone you are coaching/mentoring.

tectonicplates Thu 19-Jan-17 10:30:29

When I do certain things around the house, I sometimes imagine I'm being interviewed by an academic researcher and I'm explaining everything I'm doing. That's not weird at all, oh no blush

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Thu 19-Jan-17 10:31:12

Ack. Ackackack. Bleughhhhhh. Aaaaarghhhhh....

Divorce. And then disappear. It your only option OP. Sorry.

LauraFlossy88 Thu 19-Jan-17 10:31:35

I do this when I'm baking blush. Explain to the (imaginary) camera what I am doing at each step just like I have my own tv show à la Nigella. My DH has heard me a few times because I don't always realise I'm doing it. grin

Collectorofcookbooks Thu 19-Jan-17 10:31:42

That's fantastic.

You're not alone.

DH once caught me as I explained to my devoted viewers exactly how I was creating the perfect supper dish, dropping little hints and tips along the way, complete with me having chopped everything up and put it into little wanky cheffy bowls prior to starting to cook.

TabithaBethia Thu 19-Jan-17 10:31:56

Brilliant grin grin

nigelforgotthepassword Thu 19-Jan-17 10:32:13

I do this all the time.I was out for a walk with the dog last week having an imaginary conversation with someone out loud when I walked past a builder standing by his van. He gave me a very odd look grin

Collectorofcookbooks Thu 19-Jan-17 10:32:20

Cross posted Flossy!

Spudlet Thu 19-Jan-17 10:33:10

DH has never caught me having imaginary arguments with the people at work. But only because I only have them in the car.

I don't even work there any more blush

PrettyRicky Thu 19-Jan-17 10:33:11

tectonic I'm an academic researcher. It'd be fascinating to interview you about everything you do at home!

MrDarces I just told him the truth. I think that made it worse. I sort of expected him to say "Oh yeah, okay, I do that too. I get interviewed for..." but no. He just looked at me blankly and said "I'll leave you to it then" and went back out again- he'd just nipped back for his wallet.

ProudBadMum Thu 19-Jan-17 10:33:23

grin and I bought was bad getting caught watching Ru Paul's Drag Race

HowardMoonsJazzTrumpet Thu 19-Jan-17 10:34:34

DH regularly catches me participating in 'choreography corner' on Strictly It Takes Two (when it's on, obvs). The first time it was embarrassing. Now he just walks past me like hmm.

Spudlet Thu 19-Jan-17 10:36:27

Also, sometimes I narrate my day in my head in the voice of David Attenborough.

'The mother knows that her young will become distressed without the immediate application of an organic rice cake. But the parasitic canine is also looking for his share, the washing machine is bleeping, e phone is ringing and the adult male is upstairs trying to concentrate. How will she meet all these conflicting needs?'

shock

tricornel Thu 19-Jan-17 10:37:17

I have imaginary arguments in the shower blush and when I'm cleaning I pretend I'm being investigated by someone (I don't know who! I never tell myself confused) and I have to meet some sort of standard. This, I realise, sounds insane blush

PrettyRicky Thu 19-Jan-17 10:38:22

Spudlet That's awesome!

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve Thu 19-Jan-17 10:39:15

I'm always doing things like that but not OUT LOUD shock grin

GiraffesAndButterflies Thu 19-Jan-17 10:40:00

gringrin

One day I'll forget someone else is home and do something exactly like this! I've never written a novel though. I've received a lot of dance and cookery awards. I've also been an assistant on How Clean Is Your House, when the kitchen has got particularly dire

PrettyRicky Thu 19-Jan-17 10:40:34

tricornel Sometimes when I'm cleaning I pretend I own a super-luxury B&B somewhere really exotic and I have Beyonce and Jay Z and their entourage coming for a week so I need to make sure everything is just-so. I'm not even a Beyonce and Jay Z fan confused

Maudlinmaud Thu 19-Jan-17 10:40:42

Yeah for all the people who talk to themselves.
If you don't you should, it's cathartic.

GiraffesAndButterflies Thu 19-Jan-17 10:41:09

I have imaginary arguments in the shower

I do that! I've been really quite pissed off on occasion grin

RogueStar01 Thu 19-Jan-17 10:41:32

i sometimes have these flights of fancy too - mine involve me winning the lottery and then becoming a massive force for good, being forced to attend many charity banquets whilst looking v glam. Being interviewed on 'In Our Time' to cogitate about the enlightenment or some such would be my R4 related dream. In reality, I'd like to be able to hear the radio over the toddler tantrums!

Sweepingchange Thu 19-Jan-17 10:41:38

grin Oh I give imaginary addresses at state funerals whilst making pastry ... so glad to know I'm not alone ...

FormerlyFrikadela01 Thu 19-Jan-17 10:42:56

I love that other people do shit like this.

I bake my own bread and I'm usually explaining my process to Mary and Paul. DP has heard me and thinks I'm crackers.

Bluntness100 Thu 19-Jan-17 10:43:11

Lol , I thought uou were going to say uou were masturbating on top of the washing machine or something. It could have been worse. 😂

CigarsofthePharoahs Thu 19-Jan-17 10:43:23

I pretend I'm on a documentary being interviewed about something that has recently happened in my life. I find it helps my anxiety by processing it through.
I realise it makes me look nuttier than squirrel poo though.

BinkyBuntyFintyCunty Thu 19-Jan-17 10:43:25

LTB

user1484578224 Thu 19-Jan-17 10:43:53

just get him to do the helicopter thing and your're quits

7SunshineSeven7 Thu 19-Jan-17 10:44:19

My cooking show has often been interrupted in the kitchen. Smiling to a fake camera and saying things like ''See how it smooths over the sponges so easily with this method?'' blush

GiraffesAndButterflies Thu 19-Jan-17 10:44:53

In your interview OP, were you using your normal voice or a pretentious RP talking-to-radio-4 voice? I think I know the answer but tell us anyway grin

GetAHaircutCarl Thu 19-Jan-17 10:45:31

I'm a writer and act out huge swathes of my story lines.

The family are just used to me nowgrin. At least it pays the bills gringrin.

heppi Thu 19-Jan-17 10:45:33

I'm envious of all your imaginations grin

I sometimes have imaginary debates with people but they usually win sadgrin

Bumpsadaisie Thu 19-Jan-17 10:46:31

I do this all the time - imagine a fantasy scenario then talk about it. I have an imaginary friend who I have advised on :

- which cambridge college her child should apply to
- the range of secondary schools around us and their relative merits
- how age should approach her child's music lessons and what would be a good instrument to start on

I also give academic lectures to an imaginary audience about themes in Victorian history

And I conduct an imaginary orchestra (headphones on) and am choir director of an imaginary choir to whom I pass on various points of interpretation.

I'm a total nutcase, thank god she knows and understands smile

HamIn Thu 19-Jan-17 10:46:53

grin This has made my day!

Bumpsadaisie Thu 19-Jan-17 10:47:22

DH not "she"...

heppi Thu 19-Jan-17 10:47:32

If I have a dilemma I often imagine posting on MN and imagine the responses. Sometimes I realise IABU so don't actually start the thread.

Bushymuffmum Thu 19-Jan-17 10:48:16

I talk to myself all the time and don't even realise I'm doing it until one of the kids says "who are you talking to mum?" - apparently I don't speak out loud but my mouth moves! It's usually when I'm agitated or annoyed and I think in my head I'm trying to rationalise the situation and imagine having a conversation to try and work it out, which then follows through to my mouth! I often fear I'm going the same way as my poor, senile old nana. Glad to know I'm not the only one!

VeritysWatchTower Thu 19-Jan-17 10:48:57

I burst into song because of course I am in a musical.

I am a SAHM and years ago I forgot the children were on half term, cue them joining in with me. It was like a real musical. grin

They are used to it now and still join in. I also do weird affected voices. Dh is as bad as I am, so his crazy fits my crazy. We often talk to inanimate objects.

SerialReJoiner Thu 19-Jan-17 10:49:39

I've had suspicions that I'm rather boring, but this thread has proved it! I need to work on my imagination.

Nabootique Thu 19-Jan-17 10:50:07

Ahhhhahaha! I love you OP. I do similar things, but have never been caught out. I generally talk through my evening skin routine as if I am doing a YouTube video. This Tumblr post seems to fit with the theme of this thread...

Nabootique Thu 19-Jan-17 10:51:14

*Twitter, not Tumblr.

GetAHaircutCarl Thu 19-Jan-17 10:51:36

Sometimes when I'm acting out I use my characters voice ( I think this is when I'm at the intense stage of planning my work).

Then that voice starts bleeding into real life.

By the end of this Summer I was using a squeaky, sarf London voice all the time.

sparechange Thu 19-Jan-17 10:52:25

I present cooking programmes every time I cook
I present workout DVDs every time I go to the gym or do a HIIT
I am being papped for 'exhausted Sparechange leaves the house make-up free' Sidebar of Shame story every time I nip to the shops. I even hide behind my hand while crossing the road to conceal myself from the imaginary photographers

And I give my Oscars acceptance speech while getting dressed in the morning (my highly critically acclaimed book is turned into a film, for which I also screenwriter...)

PrettyRicky Thu 19-Jan-17 10:53:13

No I wasn't putting on a RP Radio 4 voice. I was my normal self. In fact, Jane Garvey asked me how my very deprived up-bringing by a dysfunctional single mother and later movement into the very middle class world of academia has helped me to formulate some of my story themes and characters.

Well, Jane, that's a very interesting question....

MewlingQuim Thu 19-Jan-17 10:53:23

I do this. I thought I was just a bit weird, it's so nice to find out other people do it grin

I dont do it out loud I think just in my head, but the facial expressions that go with my 'chatting' are evidently noticeable as DH has given me a few hmm looks on occasion blush

PrettyRicky Thu 19-Jan-17 10:55:34

Only just seen the post about masturbating on the washing machine.

That might have been better. He might have stayed for a quickie rather than just backing out the door looking confused.

No chance of a quickie when I told him I was having an imaginary interview on Radio 4. Not as sexy.

Dagnabit Thu 19-Jan-17 10:56:23

Bluntness grin grin grin

I have imaginary arguments with people but mostly in my head. I'm a lot better at arguing in my head than with actual people.

mortificado Thu 19-Jan-17 10:56:25

I've just spilt boiling hot tea down me from trying not to laugh loud and wake the baby. grin hilarious!

BigBadgers Thu 19-Jan-17 10:59:58

I have been on Desert Island Disks a record number of times. I talk very movingly about how my disfunctional childhood influenced my rise to the meteroic heights of a local government middle manager job.

SapphireStrange Thu 19-Jan-17 11:00:19

I do the funeral speech thing too. I've made myself cry many times. blush

I also narrate when I'm cooking or baking, and replay conversations/arguments from ages ago in which I now think of all the most sparkling/incisive/cutting things to say, that I didn't at the time. Esprit d'escalier is my middle name. grin

IDontWantToBuildASnowman Thu 19-Jan-17 11:01:12

Hilarious - this has completely made my day AND made me feel less of a freak about having imaginary conversations when driving alone in the car explaining to an imaginary audience how I made my fortune, lost vast amounts of weight and generally reached peak success and happiness (whilst simultaneously scoffing down a mars bar quickly before arriving at a job I hate)

MarilynWhirlwindRocks Thu 19-Jan-17 11:03:30

Sweepingchange,

"Oh I give imaginary addresses at state funerals whilst making pastry..."

grin grin

Nearly asphyxiated myself laughing at that one!

OP,

This thread is bloody brilliant. Thanks. I think you should keep the Radio 4 vibe going freak out your DH by adding to your repertoire:

Share your Desert Island Discs with Kirsty Young, whilst singing loudly in the bath/ Chat to Gardeners' Question Time panel, whilst potting up plants etc. etc.

Badgerbird Thu 19-Jan-17 11:05:23

Oh god I love this so much! I can' t stop laughing. I think you're brilliant and I hope Jane didn't mind being rudely interrupted like that!! grin

PrettyRicky Thu 19-Jan-17 11:05:24

So glad other people do this.

When I'm at my dance class on Tuesdays, I pretend I'm part of a documentary called The Tour which follows around a famous singer or group (changes every time) on a world tour. I'm one of the dancers and in dance class, we're rehearsing for the show finale. I'm the unexpected star of the show because I'm beautiful, an amazing dancer and a natural on camera. Luckily, I manage not to say anything out loud, it just all goes on in my head. I think if I didn't imagine all this I'd realise how fucking hard the class is and just die instantly.

MarilynWhirlwindRocks Thu 19-Jan-17 11:05:50

X post with BigBadgers...great minds and all that wink

CommonFramework Thu 19-Jan-17 11:06:39

DH once caught me as I explained to my devoted viewers exactly how I was creating the perfect supper dish, dropping little hints and tips along the way, complete with me having chopped everything up and put it into little wanky cheffy bowls prior to starting to cook.

That's brilliant!! grin

OP, you are clearly not alone.

Wonderflonium Thu 19-Jan-17 11:06:39

Do you know the song "Dark of the Matinee"?
This verse was a revelation to me:

"So I'm on BBC2 now, telling Terry Wogan how I made it
What I made is unclear now, but his deference is and his laughter is
My words and smile are so easy now
Yes, It's easy now
Yes, It's easy now"

EVERYONE DOES THIS! (or at least, I do it, you do it and Franz Ferdinand do it wink)

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia Thu 19-Jan-17 11:10:32

I sometimes do the cooking show thing, but mostly I just imagine I am being narrated

Look how gracefully she gets in and out of the car, it's like she was a Royal personage

See how attentive she appears to be when acknowledging the hard day the man of the house has had, look how prettily she tilts her head, imagine how proud he must be to be able to hold her attention. No one would ever imagine she is planning which Groupon offer to purchase, and how to remain undiscovered while eating the last of the Pringles

PrettyRicky Thu 19-Jan-17 11:11:40

I hadn't heard of that. Glad famous people do it too! I wonder what imaginary worlds Kim Kardashian creates when she's in the shower?

Natsku Thu 19-Jan-17 11:12:04

Brilliant! grin Glad I'm not the only one that does this! But fear of being caught is also why I do it in my head only, even if I'm alone, except I think I still move my mouth and sometimes accidentally say sentences out loud.

My latest imaginary interviews are where I'm interviewing Trump and I come out with all this great witty one-liners and completely destroy him on live TV.

Also trying to practice interviews I've been having to do lately in real life, for some reason they go so much better in my head... grin

namechanging99 Thu 19-Jan-17 11:13:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oblomov17 Thu 19-Jan-17 11:13:48

I do this all the time. Ds's ask me who I'm talking to. I roleplay what I would say, if I got that important meeting/panel that I wanted.

I don't think its THAT uncommon. Well, clearly not!! grin

OutsSelf Thu 19-Jan-17 11:13:52

Ooo Ooo you should watch Bobby Baker's Kitchen Show and also How to Shop, the Lecture. Pure brilliance

FurryLittleTwerp Thu 19-Jan-17 11:16:27

I do it in the car (when I'm alone!), describing how I make certain dishes, how I would decorate a Christmas tree etc etc

OutsSelf Thu 19-Jan-17 11:16:44

... posted to soon sorry. Anyway, she came up with How to Shop she had to sit down laughing, imagining herself broadcasting the intricacies of supermarket shopping

middlings Thu 19-Jan-17 11:17:22

He just looked at me blankly and said "I'll leave you to it then"

I think we have the same DH grin

I have found my people.

Arguments in the shower - I may or may not have to driven myself to tears of frustration on occasion tick
Fantasy of choreographing the Royal Ballet to greatness - tick
Winning the lottery and telling family - tick.

Although I'm slightly mad and have been accepting of that for quite some time.

Oblomov17 Thu 19-Jan-17 11:20:47

I do it in the car aswell.
I am hoping that eeing as my phone is not visible, and I don't have an earpiece on, people think I have some super-duper brand new invisible high tec Bluetooth car system.

<<probably not>>

They probably think that I'm just a nutter, talking animatedly to myself.

wowbutter Thu 19-Jan-17 11:22:52

Back when dh and I were engaged he walked in on me doing a live tribute act to Britney, in front of two million people, cameras and the worlds media. Including costume, and floor show.

I was in uni halls, wearing half a pyjama set.

I don't know how long he was there before I turned around saw him and started screaming. So did he. It was awful. Possibly the worst bit was I was doing it with headphones in too, so he couldn't even hear my amazing concert, just my voice and terrifying dance moved.

He married me anyway, but Christ it was embarrassing.

TheLivingAsheth Thu 19-Jan-17 11:24:00

I pretend I have someone staying with me from the past. Sometimes the 60s, sometimes Victorian, sometimes Elizabethan. "So, this is a television, and this is what we call a com-pu-ter. Yes, in some ways you will find society has changed a great deal, and in other ways not so much. You'll probably need a pair of jeans."

PrettyRicky Thu 19-Jan-17 11:24:24

When my ex got in touch a few years ago completely out of the blue I started to imagine all sorts of scenarios where we bumped into each other. I was, of course, always immaculately groomed and often on my way to something incredibly important.

Most of the time I look like a bag of shit so it's good that he lives about 100 miles away.

PrettyRicky Thu 19-Jan-17 11:25:33

TheLivingAsheth shock How the actual fuck have I never done this? That sounds absolutely amazing.

AnUtterIdiot Thu 19-Jan-17 11:26:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EBearhug Thu 19-Jan-17 11:27:10

I have conversations with all sorts of people in my head, as well as working our how I'd write a post on it (and then usually don't.)

I try to keep it in my head, because if I do it our loud, I'd start doing it at work, and I really, really shouldn't let all those imaginary conversatons out. grin

IFearThatIAmOrdinary Thu 19-Jan-17 11:27:28

I do this! It's a great escape. I love pretend arguments but can end up quite pissed off as a result for no reason. I also appear regularly on the chat show circuit. I'm a hoot on Graham Norton.

SecretWitch Thu 19-Jan-17 11:31:30

My boss caught me flapping my arms up in the air..I was head singing "Gonna fly now" (Rocky's theme)

heron98 Thu 19-Jan-17 11:34:51

If I go cycling by myself I pretend I'm on a ride with someone whose never been to the area before. I narrate bits like "we're about to come up to a big hill, it's about 20% at the bottom but then it gets easier".

I have no idea why, or who the person is. Nor should I really be trying to speak when going up a hill.

YouOKHun Thu 19-Jan-17 11:36:07

The best threads on MN are the ones that confirm that being as mad as a box of frogs is completely normal.

I am an Oscar winning actress/sell out tour singer/world expert/playwrite and insightful Booker prize author, depending on the day of the week. I am constantly followed about by a film crew in my head Occasionally I see what it sounds like out loud. So far I haven't been caught grin

I am also a lot thinner and a good deal more good looking in this twilight world I inhabit turns mirrors to face wall

Pieinatin Thu 19-Jan-17 11:36:16

If I've cleaned the whole house ill pretend that I'm an Estate Agent showing viewers round, like walking into the bedroom and saying out loud "this is the master, you'll see its a good size with duel aspects"

If Im cooking ill pretend I'm on a cookery show and explain what I'm doing.

I also sometimes pretend I'm on Jeremy Kyle and play out some imaginary scenario, luckily I normally do this in my head not aloud!

I think it's a pretty common thing to do isn't it blush

Dagnabit Thu 19-Jan-17 11:37:33

middlings Yes, yes....I've done the imaginary telling the family I've won millions on the lottery too! So good...

OldBooks Thu 19-Jan-17 11:38:43

occasionally being a character in Buffy The Vampire Slayer Usually another Slayer but sometimes in a Giles-type role. And sometimes Giles' GIRLFRIEND. SQUEEEEEE

So glad I am not the only one! I have a starring role in various tv shows and films...

Msqueen33 Thu 19-Jan-17 11:39:37

That's fantastic. Sometimes when I'm in the car singing I'm pretending to be on X factor and then in my head I'm having a little interview.

PrivatePike Thu 19-Jan-17 11:40:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DurhamDurham Thu 19-Jan-17 11:40:37

Op thanks for this thread, it keeps on giving!

I talk to myself all the time, sometimes my husband hears me and asks who I am talking to. I pretend that I'm singing but he looks at me like this hmm and tells me it sounded very much like a one sided conversation to him.

I went through a worrying phase as a child pretending that Price Charles was my dad and I would have conversations with the whole Royal Family. Except the Queen Mum as she was deaf and mad.

PrivatePike Thu 19-Jan-17 11:40:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spudlet Thu 19-Jan-17 11:41:38

I love you all.

Right now, David is narrating naptime. 'The mother must time her move to perfection. If she puts her offspring into the cot too soon he will start doing the wall of death around the sides. Too late, and she risks bottling it and just sitting and rocking him for the next hour...'

The tension is killing me shock

PrivatePike Thu 19-Jan-17 11:41:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Zaphodsotherhead Thu 19-Jan-17 11:42:45

I've actually been interviewed on radion about my new novel...and when I listen back to that interview it's mostly cackling (me), the interviewer trying not to laugh, and a strange noise which I can only assume was my nervous, spit free mouth attempting to get words out.

Imaginary interviews are better. Shameful, but easier.

Zaphodsotherhead Thu 19-Jan-17 11:43:31

Radion. Not radion. I've been interviewed on many things, but I've never taken radion...

formerbabe Thu 19-Jan-17 11:44:06

He he! Brilliant...When I cook, I pretend I'm a TV chef and explain what I'm doing! Haven't been caught yet grin

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