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Penetration man

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Cameron2012 Sun 21-Aug-16 20:44:10

So I went out with a man many years ago who was very kind, interesting handsome, drove a lovely car and was very popular. But, I ended the relationship because he seemed to think whispering ' penetration' in my ear was sexy.
I also finished with a bloke because he had thick blond hair on his arms.
Now I know that means at the time I was very shallow, so ... What is the shallowest reason you have ever had to finish a relationship ?

OP’s posts: |
TBLimousin Fri 06-Nov-20 01:46:12

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CandidaAlbicans2 Mon 03-Aug-20 21:34:08

Just remember another [shudder]...

I was snogging a man who's technique was just to stick his fat slobbery tongue in my mouth and...that was it. I was so grossed out I pulled away from him and he was there, eyes tightly closed with his fat tongue sticking out, for several seconds before realising I'd disengaged. Euw!

CandidaAlbicans2 Mon 03-Aug-20 19:49:07

Great old thread! grin
My contributions...

Man 1. You know that scene in American Werewolf in London where the main character changes into a werewolf, making those prolonged, pained, loud growling noises? Well, I fucked a man who sounded just like that when he came. It was alarming! I was half expecting him to metamorphose into something unearthly confusedconfused

Man 2. 2nd date, back at his for some how's your father, and as he was banging me over the arm of his sofa said "All for you, babe, all for you". Just as well I had my face planted in a cushion as I had to stifle a snigger as it just sounded so pornolised and ridiculous. I'd already thought we weren't a match made in heaven as he was a bit full on, and decided then I wasn't going to stay the night, but to make it easier for me to "escape" I waited until he was asleep and snuck out. Then avoided him like the plague.

Man 3. Told me all about his amazing hand technique that he said gets all the ladies off. Well, it didn't do much for me, so that coupled with his bragging about it was the end.

Man 4. Whenever I was on top he'd order me to "Ride it! Yes, ride that cock!" repeatedly. I just wanted him to STFU. Can't stand porno speak, it sounds so fake. Saying that me and one of my later partners used to do to each other for a laugh. It would have to be in doggy so I could turn around and do the whole "Oooh yes, baby" (whilst sucking air between my teeth) while he would say "Ave it" in a fake cockney accent grin

There are so many more (I have rather high mileage!) so all different shapes and sizes. The most troublesome have been the above average sized where they just hurt unless there's been tons of foreplay and the owner is skilled. Unfortunately I've found that those who have big cocks seem to think that just the sight of their magnificent peens is foreplay enough hmm Hate it when I can't even get them in my mouth too.
The cone-shaped ones are tricky too as condoms keep wanting to unroll. I pretty much don't care how big they are provided the lovers are eager to please and can follow instructions.

Rubbleonthedouble1 Fri 31-Jul-20 10:12:40

No hair anywhere on his body from the neck down because he shaved it all off!! That’s was it!

Cagedbirdsinging Tue 28-Jul-20 00:06:57

'He wore beige socks . They made his feet look dead' - can't remember who said it but I am weak with mirth .
My exh's pencil dick had a strange bulbous head ; it looked like a malignant circumcised lollipop .
And he was a drunk . And he stank .

oldbagface Sun 26-Jul-20 22:25:34

Coming back to read this

serenada Sun 21-Jun-20 19:55:15

I'm staying single.

backmadeofglass Sat 20-Jun-20 23:51:02

I met a bloke online - he seemed really nice , clever and witty and good looking. I arranged to meet him in a nearby city as I was there that day anyway so we met in a pub around 6 ish near where I’d parked my car . He turned up absolutely plastered and was dressed up as a storm trooper from Star Wars 🤦🏼‍♀️He’d was at a function that afternoon and thought he’d nip out for a couple of hours and meet me .
The date was short and I didn’t see him again. Everyone in the pub was staring and the girl behind the bar told me she felt sorry for me.

I have also finished with someone because they had an acorn willy, I’ve felt really guilty about it over the years cos he was actually a nice guy but I feel better now after seeing so many others have done the same 😂

poppy54321 Sat 20-Jun-20 18:16:32

FFS Headlikeafuckingorange, talking bollocks, that is beyond grim. Wouldn't life be great if you just stood straight up and walked out the second his bollocks uttered a word.

poppy54321 Sat 20-Jun-20 18:11:07

Lots of people considering divorce after lock down should read this thread. It's certainly making me feel happier than before. I read a couple of pages and not once could I say i wouldn't mind that. Very grim reading, makes me fear for my daughters.

catinb0oots Wed 17-Jun-20 00:40:40

There is so many gems on this thread

catinb0oots Wed 17-Jun-20 00:39:01

It was me that resurrected this zombie thread today (sorry) but I've just reread it in hysterics.

There's one post I have must have missed before. @pollypebble I don't even know if you're still here as I'm replying to a 2 year old post. But he fucked a bag of clay?

NoMoreDickheads Tue 16-Jun-20 17:45:35

Similar to a PP- one that wanked himself and crowed 'LOOK at how big it is! LOOK at how big it is!' It wasn't particularly.
Most of them were pretty awful really. Latest was so obsessed with trying to get sex out of virtually anyone it was kind of funny (to me.)
And he wasn't blessed with size or ability to function bless him.
Even said:-

'I'd never send someone a dick pic as it wouldn't impress anyone.'

At least he was self-aware.

FromMarch2020 Tue 16-Jun-20 16:42:21

Sorry I can't stop laughing - I've never seen this thread before..

"I went out with a superfit fireman once. He made NO noise at all during sex and just lay there with his eyes closed. I slapped him around a bit to try and get an audible reaction but - nothing. Despite his washboard abs I had to end it."

familys2018 Tue 16-Jun-20 16:39:53

Oh my god !!! I can't believe I forgot this one ! Going back a few years back when I had not long left my long term partner. I had a feeling this man was a little nerdy but he was so kind . And I wanted something different ! So we were together a few weeks and whilst in the middle of a session every time he went up and down when he went up he would do a hiss so it was like a hiss right in my ear every second 😂 then not long after I was sat in my house casually watching tv and he walks through the door sits down right next to me lobs his dick out and starts having a full on wank ! When he finished he said sorry I was randy !!!!!! I was traumatised for a while after that he was very vocal too

FromMarch2020 Tue 16-Jun-20 16:37:52

Oh my this is weird stuff.....but so funny

"leftmyheartintokyo Wed 13-Dec-17 18:24:25
Soon to be dumped boyfriend has a vegetable fetish... he fantasises about putting a carrot in each hole hmm

Surprisingly I have name changed for this!

Add message | Report | Message poster | Quotelurkingnotlurking Wed 13-Dec-17 19:18:27
Tell him to put them up his nostrils, ears and arse first

familys2018 Tue 16-Jun-20 16:17:17

I'm also reading all the mr silent posts and I have just realised my boyfriend of ten years hasn't and doesn't make any noise during sex !!!! I think I have just got used to it ! Balls ! Next time we do it I'm going to be forcussing on this now ! Think I'm going to have to dump him 😭

familys2018 Tue 16-Jun-20 16:11:56

I'm so glad I have cake across this thread 😂 I'm
Literally weak reading them all. Actually cringing at some 😂 I have had a mr pencil too when I was wanking it if I literally had to do it like holding a chopstick ! Two fingers and a thumb !!!!!

FromMarch2020 Tue 16-Jun-20 16:06:58

With Covid and shielding and all the general rubbish that's going on this thread is so funny.

It needs reviving!

HeadLikeAFuckinOrange Fri 24-Jan-20 20:30:28

Oh I love it when this thread pops up again!

Casual rship, ended because he anthropomorphised his cock. Pretending your dick has a voice and personality is not sexy.

He'd get it out while still flaccid, wiggle it at me hopefully and say "He's all sad...put him in your mouth?"
That was grim enough.

But hearing, mid blowjob "Don't forget about us orange we're here too!!" as if it was a request from his balls - was too far.

I changed his name in my phone to Talking Bollocks and stopped returning his calls.

labazsisgoingmad Sat 18-Jan-20 18:54:57

ive got a few that i think might make you laugh
ons with a guy cant say it was brilliant but was ok before he left he said oh you must come to my pub sometime umm yes i do go to your pub anyway as you know so what do you mean?
well if you come after hours i can introduce you to my horse a lot of ladies like him!
omg i caught on quick and never to the pub again

chatting to a guy who lived near where i used to live and really fancied he told me he was kinky about bondage bit of pain etc hmm well dont mind a gentle slap on the bum maybe handcuffs etc
oh no he said i like to be really really rough my last girlfriend she used to lose consciousness it was bloody fantastic
maybe but after that i avoided him like the plague
tough Glasgow guy you know the sort like he would chew nails for a snack 6 ft tall and 6ft wide made my legs weak so couldnt wait to get into bed. he told me to get into said bed and he would be in in a second. omg he came in wearing a little frilly dress and matching knickers! put me right off but i thought ok im a modern woman but it was no good in the end he kept speaking in this really squeaky girly voice saying things like mummy can i go out to play? mummy i have been a good girl today omg it just killed it all for me
finally i got a young lad 15 years younger than me into bed. after dtd which was meh i slipped out of bed said i was going to the bathroom and left him lying there. when i came out the bathroom he was just coming down the stairs so i went down and let him out. walking back into the bedroom there was an awful smell and when i put the duvet back there was crap all over the bed which had stuck to the duvet cover. in the end i just ripped the whole lot off and put it in a bin bag. i texted him and said why the hell had he left my bed in such a mess? he replied oh sorry im always forgetting to wipe my bum when i crap or perhaps that fart i did was a bit more than that. whatever he was not going to be in my bed again!

ilovepixie Fri 17-Jan-20 23:03:48

Wore a suit jacket with a pair of jeans.
Called my breasts pinky and perky
Did the deed with slippers on
Wanted to take me dogging
Wanted to shit on my chest!

All different men!

memberofseven Thu 16-Jan-20 13:00:27

My friend dumped someone once because whilst doing the deed he said "sorry I'm a laster "....

SquishyLint Wed 15-Jan-20 09:31:24

I’m tagging on.

One the smacked me round the face with the used condom.

And another that smacked my pubic area after sex and told me to “tidy that up!”. Not that he should of made any comment at all, but it was bloody tidy!!!!! And he had a really small penis.

Groundfloor Sat 02-Nov-19 21:45:29

Very interesting and entertaining thread.

From reading this I've learned that actually size does matter, despite what 'they' say.

I do wonder if a gender reversed thread would be as funny?

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