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Post - wedding message ... please help me, what the hell do I say??

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MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Puzzledandpissedoff Fri 06-May-16 12:28:13

I recently attended an ex-colleague's wedding where, in response to a request for cash gifts, I sent what I thought was a pretty decent cheque (£100 if it matters, though I can't help feeling it shouldn't)

Last night I received an email which opened with a few comments about how glad they were to see everybody and how generous they'd all been, then said "we were surprised that your contribution didn't seem to match the warmth of your good wishes on our big day. In view of your own position, if you wanted to send any adjustment it would be thankfully received"

For someone who's not easily shocked I confess I'm utterly gobsmacked by this. So as not to drip feed I'll mention that "your own position" probably refers to a recent inheritance I've had, which maybe they expected something from (and this is an ex-colleague, remember, not a close friend or relative)

Please, anyone, what do I do now? I've never come across anything like this before and still can't quite believe they've done it - but since they have, should I reply, ring them, ignore it or what??

acatcalledjohn Fri 06-May-16 13:54:17

In fact, I wouldn't even worry about keeping the moral high ground because they have entered another stratosphere with their behaviour. Publically calling them out will still leave you on much higher ground than them, and that is saying something.

SnoozeButtonAbuser Fri 06-May-16 13:55:54

That's the rudest thing I've ever heard! And £100 was massively generous, especially to an ex-work colleague, bloody hell. I think I would be super nice and apologetic to try to get her to send the £100 back somehow, on the promise of a more suitable replacement, and once you got it back, the replacement is 1p or a picture of your middle finger or arse. But I suspect there's no chance of her giving back the money in the hopes of more, as she knows she's rude as fuck, she's just thought 'what have I got to lose'. Obviously a friend, but that's clearly of no consequence to her. I would tell all your mutual friends as well, just so they don't waste any more money on the grabby gits.

CrazyDuchess Fri 06-May-16 13:56:41

puzzled the daily mail/Mathew Wright have formed for taking threads of mumsnet and using them - hence the references.

If you don't want it to come up MNHQ may move it to OTBT maybe??

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism Fri 06-May-16 13:57:26


change your username to something like puzzledandpissedoffandthemailarecunts

otherwise you might find your thread screenshotted and posted in lieu of real journalism

diddl Fri 06-May-16 13:57:48

Well she wasn't so pissed off that she didn't probably just about trip over herself to cash it, was she?

I'd def reactivate a FB account!

I can't belive that some people are so unaware.

I'd love to ask her how much she thinks that you should "adjust" by!

I can't believe that some people think that you should cover the cost of the meal.

The meal we had with the people that we wanted there was just part & parcel of our cost of celebrating our wedding as we wanted to.

Not some expense to be recouped!

Middleclassmumnetter Fri 06-May-16 13:57:51

This is jaw dropping, she should be ashamed. You know what to 'adjust' it to.

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism Fri 06-May-16 13:58:24

What's OTBT?

acatcalledjohn Fri 06-May-16 13:58:39

But they could have taken your cheque, duplicated it down to the details on it (cheque numbers etc) and then used the original to copy your handwriting and signature.

origamiwarrior Fri 06-May-16 13:59:49

Just reply and say (with no preamble or sign-off, i.e no 'Dear Jane' or anything)

Is this email for real?

I don't think the 'Is this email meant for me' response is appropriate because, as you've identified, the email is not acceptable for anyone, even if they only gave £5.

Bogeyface Fri 06-May-16 13:59:54

I favour the "Here is a cheque tightly rolled for you to ram up your arse" suggestion made above.

Mrskeats Fri 06-May-16 13:59:59

Rudest thing ive ever heard
Please cancel cheque and buy us all cakes

PacificDogwod Fri 06-May-16 14:00:57

I got married in the UK, not the country of my origin.
My family and friends made a massive effort to be there on our big day and I was so, so touched and happy that they did.
Any present they gave us was entirely optional and the smallest candle holder was much appreciated.

Grabby and greedy is really an understatement here.

On reflection, I think I might email "You MUST be kidding?!" back to her with no other comment and then never speak to them again.

Please tell us how you will react to this once you have decided grin

whois Fri 06-May-16 14:00:59

I think you should reply and try and find out how much they think is appropriate!!

LineyReborn Fri 06-May-16 14:01:19

OP can't cancel the cheque.

She has said twice that it has been cashed.

LadyReuleaux Fri 06-May-16 14:01:48

thatorchidmoment grin

"Away from me I implore you to drift"

Best line of poetry ever and something I would like to say to a number of acquaintances/relatives.

acatcalledjohn Fri 06-May-16 14:01:50

Or just go back with a:

"I am so sorry for the oversight. Please do let me know how much you deem reasonable to gift and I will ensure I get this issue sorted urgently."

Sorting the issue of course would be plastering their response anywhere public to show them for the grabby cunts they are.

vvviola Fri 06-May-16 14:02:38

On the how-much-to-give-in-Ireland tangent. While the €100 per person, €150 per couple is usual. It's not expected. When I got married (right at the height of the Celtic tiger craziness) a few gave that, a few chose off the wedding list (which had values from €10 and up), and one lovely friend who had saved for 6 months to be able to come, and who couch surfed for accommodation, gave me, DH, baby DD, matching socks in the colours of the country where I had met her (and DH). I can tell you which present made me smile every time I saw them...

ShiftyFades Fri 06-May-16 14:03:13

I wondered if your cheque had fallen out and this was her "having a go" for not giving her anything, but you say the cheque has been cashed shock

A simple reply,"you actually think that £100 is not enough? Why?"

Don't say anymore, don't lower yourself to being rude, get her to justify why an ex colleagues gift of £100 isn't enough. angry

I can't believe it!

Rollinginthevalley Fri 06-May-16 14:04:00

I think you just have to talk to your colleague. When you've calmed down (I'd be incandescent in your shoes) could you speak to her, 'more in sorrow than anger' - seriously - give her some obviously much-needed life advice. That what she has done is not just the height of bad manners, but is seriously damaging to her and her reputation.

If you say all this in a concerned voice with a <head tilt> maybe she might take some notice.

You've got nothing to lose, because there's no way you'd want to keep her as even an acquaintance after such behaviour.

CrazyDuchess Fri 06-May-16 14:04:06

Off the beaten track - another part of the forum

origamiwarrior Fri 06-May-16 14:05:26

What is most horrifying about this is the time that has clearly been spent by the bride/groom to write that very carefully worded sentence. It's REALLY well crafted and well written, not something you'd dash off in a hurry. This is a cold, calculated move.

ElspethFlashman Fri 06-May-16 14:05:30

screenshot money has always been a really popular gift here. It means people dont have to put any thought into a gift whatsoever! That's why it's pretty open (and liinyo that's why they were grateful - they were expecting 150 max, particularly as you'd travelled so far just to share their day). People can budget accordingly and it's all pretty obvious.

If you actively don't want money you do a wedding list in a shop and ask people to use that for gifts instead. Simples.

It's not grabby when your guests are going to do it anyway!

It actually seems to make less complicated as you don't get these butthurt brides who had bizarre expectations that are completely outside the cultural norm!

FlyingElbows Fri 06-May-16 14:05:49

I suspect this will already have been swiped the watching journos and researchers. If that's not your bag, op, then I'd suggest dignified silence and an end to your association. Block and delete as the young ones say! Or something like that.

lcoc2015 Fri 06-May-16 14:05:52

Yes agree "in Ireland its 150 euro per couple usually. 200+ if its a close family member (brother/sister) or best friend. 100 for a single person. And you dont need any other gift"

As one of the other posters mentioned it is quite a lot. I've often turned down wedding invites as can't quite cover the cost of hotel, hen, clothing plus gift. I wouldn't attend and not give the cash gift as i know people budget assuming they'll get at least 50 euro per person back in cash. Very impolite but have also heard a number of convos about people not giving gifts or giving very small cash amounts so wouldnt like to be talked of like that.

When i dont attend i would send a small physical gift as a wedding present.

Weddings in Ireland tend to be ridiculously expensive affairs often running to 2 days these days.

momb Fri 06-May-16 14:06:25

'What amount do you feel would adequately reflect the warmth of my good wishes? My pen is poised over my chequebook.'

Meanwhile I'd be contacting some of the others who were at the wedding to ask who else received an email (because if you got one having given £100 I suspect most people will have got one).

eitak22 Fri 06-May-16 14:07:00

I would email back but BCC any mutual friends in so they are able to see the email for themselves or send a glitter bomb as the extra :P

That is entitled and grabby. It;s a gift not an obligation and many people wouldn't have given so much to an ex colleague.

Dumdedumdedum Fri 06-May-16 14:07:05

Yes. I live on another continent than Europe, as do some of my family. The party is in a popular destination in Europe and the people whom I'm upset about will be in Europe round about the date of the party, so I chose the date with them specifically in mind. They were given 9 months' warning of the date. I am legitimately off-pissed.
I still think the OP should send a second cheque for a penny.

shinynewusername Fri 06-May-16 14:07:14

give her some obviously much-needed life advice

No, no, no - don't go for a grown up response. MN demands a PA knock-out blow.

OP- think of your public and poor, starving DM hacks

Puzzledandpissedoff Fri 06-May-16 14:07:33

Apologies if I miss any questions - I didn't know so many of you would be kind enough to reply

I could certainly ask around to find if anyone else has had similar, but am not entirely sure what it would solve? We could hardly start some sort of "mass objection" and if it's happened they'll just have to decide for themselves what to do; after all not everyone knows about the wisdom of MN!!

It's unlikely I'll bump into the B&G much in future as I'm retired now, which is probably just as well. However I've just replied to her email with one sentence:

"I assume this was some sort of mistake?"

EverySongbirdSays Fri 06-May-16 14:08:03

This is all so bizarre.

As the cheque has been cashed and money recieved to then send an email saying "i think you need to give me more money" post wedding is just flat out begging and irrelevant to the original gift! Not that you'd criticise an amount beforehand either!

You wouldn't say this to your best friend nevermind a former colleague regardless of how personally wealthy they are. I have a well off friend I wouldn't dream of asking her for me or expecting a specific sum as a gift.

I've got nothing to add that hasn't been said just placemarking to find out how this goes

CoraPirbright Fri 06-May-16 14:08:13

Have you asked any of the other guests if they have had similar emails? The grabbiness of this is beyond ghastly. What awful, awful people.

ExitPursuedByABear Fri 06-May-16 14:08:41

More front than Blackpool.

origamiwarrior Fri 06-May-16 14:08:55

Good email OP.

PLEASE update us when she replies

plimsolls Fri 06-May-16 14:09:10

floggingmolly Well, the bride and groom at the very least (assuming its a marriage between a man and woman which I guess is also not definite!)

I was not just talking about the post-wedding invite but also the suggestion that the bride only invited OP because she knew about the money. Could have been the groom's instigation. I hadn't seen anything to suggest that the ex-colleague was a bride and not a groom and I was partly wondering if I'd missed another response form the OP clarifying things.

CoraPirbright Fri 06-May-16 14:09:56

Cross-post sorry. Yes - nothing to be gained from knowing if others have received similar emails but I am just curious!! LOVE your reply - what a stinger!!

OnlyLovers Fri 06-May-16 14:10:14

I was going to say ignore the rude cunts, but I like your response.

EverySongbirdSays Fri 06-May-16 14:10:16

X post nice reply PAPO. I like it.

CrazyDuchess Fri 06-May-16 14:10:36

I am dying to know how she could justify such an outrageous ask!!

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism Fri 06-May-16 14:10:39


That's really sad sad that people don't attend because they can't bring the "done" contribution! I'ld have hated that as a bride, the idea that people might not feel able to come

SATSmum Fri 06-May-16 14:11:45

please send them the book twocultures suggested!

frieda909 Fri 06-May-16 14:12:16

Well done for the restrained reply! Very classy. Can't wait to see what you get in response.

Diddlydokey Fri 06-May-16 14:12:26

Placemarking for a response - that's a perfect email OP. £100 from a single guest is as generous as anyone was at our wedding aside from relatives.

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism Fri 06-May-16 14:12:53

Good reply OP! I hope you're not put off updating us by lazy fuckers who can't do their jobs properly (Wright stuff/mail "journos")

Name change and keep posting please grin

MissBattleaxe Fri 06-May-16 14:13:47

I would not be able to let his lie. I would have to send a very rude reply that ended with something like "and 220 Mumsnetters agree with me!"

It's utterly shocking. I worry about people like this. Where is their moral compass?

PacificDogwod Fri 06-May-16 14:13:58

Greast response, OP, very dignified.
I salute you.

NewYearSameMe Fri 06-May-16 14:14:19

I would love to say, "Actually my 'warm wishes' were mostly polite platitudes rather than any real interest in, or expectation of, your future happiness. If an arbitrary monetary value could be assigned to my wishes then I would say that £100 is definitely over rather than under representative. I wish you the best of luck in emotionally blackmailing more dosh out of your other nearest and dearest."

Dumdedumdedum Fri 06-May-16 14:15:01

Great reply, OP! Wondering if you'll get a coherent answer?!

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings Fri 06-May-16 14:15:22

I'm placemarking speechless! That's so rude! She won't have as many guests at her second wedding grin

crusoe16 Fri 06-May-16 14:15:29

brilliant newyearsameme

WriteforFun1 Fri 06-May-16 14:15:43

OP excellent reply!!

Dum. When you say Europe, I hope you don't mean they will be in France and the party is in England? I think travel is a very big ask for anyone really.

RaeSkywalker Fri 06-May-16 14:16:02

Well done OP. I wonder if she'll reply!

LaurieFairyCake Fri 06-May-16 14:16:20

"Ha ha ha, you got me!. Can you imagine there really is some cunty people out there who do this? We must catch up for drinks soon, hope you're loving married life. I bought that house in the Cotswolds and we're off to Barbados shortly so after then.

Love and hugs"

acatcalledjohn Fri 06-May-16 14:17:44

Impressed with your calm response. I don't think I could contain my flabbered ghast very successfully in that situation.

Do report back the response.

DrawingLife Fri 06-May-16 14:18:17

Good response! Though I liked the idea of sending a reply suggesting their account had been hacked as you'd just received a phishing mail :D.

Truly shocking. The buerocratic tone of the email, too. The idea that you can put a monetary value on "warm wishes". Crude and crazy.

MissPronounced Fri 06-May-16 14:18:33

I'm gobsmacked. Utterly.

It would be an unspeakably rude email to send even if you'd given them no gift at all, but £100 is really very generous, especially for an ex-work colleague.

Your reply is good. I don't imagine you'll get another back from her.

GiraffesAndButterflies Fri 06-May-16 14:18:58

Definitely reply and sound as sincere as possible, something like "You are right, I guess I haven't adjusted to my new circumstances yet! Really sorry for the offence. Send me back the £100 to <your BACS details> and I'll sort you out ASAP. Hope you are enjoying/looking forward to the honeymoon. Take care xxx"

That way you will either get your £100 back, or, if they are too wary to refund you (after all it's not a logical way to do it), they will be left with a nagging wonder as to whether they have missed out on ££££.

PhoenixReisling Fri 06-May-16 14:19:00

If she has the brass neck to reply to that message you have just sent....then my fury would have no bounds!

GiraffesAndButterflies Fri 06-May-16 14:19:40

Oh x-post, never mind grin

Marmalady75 Fri 06-May-16 14:21:14

We were just happy that people came to our wedding and spent the day with us. my hisband has lots of siblings and close cousins. They all gave £50 per person attending (one of the aunts suggested it years ago) and when weve been to one of their weddings we have given the same. it keeps it all fair and friendly. £100 for a single person to give to an ex-colleague sounds like a very generous gift to me.

WhereYouLeftIt Fri 06-May-16 14:21:55

shock Wow. Just - wow. shock

It's an email, any chance you could send it to a large-as-you-can distribution list, preferably including all her current work colleagues? Or would it be better to wait until you have her reply to distribute too?

lcoc2015 Fri 06-May-16 14:22:13

Yes it is a bit sad - i've been to a few where the bride /groom expressly said no presents and i think this is the way to go if you can.

Having said that from my early investigations into our wedding it seems to be a min of 85 euro per head for the wedding dinner plus all the other costs that a wedding entails so i can see why cash gifts are welcome! Particularly as people and their families feel under pressure to put on something decent. Its a weird cultural thing. In addition the average size of a wedding outside dublin is 220 people often going to 300. It adds up quickly!

TeenAndTween Fri 06-May-16 14:22:37

I'd have gone for
I'm so sorry, but I see you've cashed the cheque. If you send me a cheque back for £100 I'll send you another for an improved amount

GingerDoesntHelp Fri 06-May-16 14:22:37

This is shockingshock

Dumdedumdedum Fri 06-May-16 14:22:46

WriteforFun1 The party is on mainland continental Europe, not the UK.

HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky Fri 06-May-16 14:22:56

Great reply OP

Another one here gobsmacked at the GreedyFuckers. I thought the £100 you gave was extremely generous.

I wonder if you could start a wedding review on Trip Advisor?

MissBattleaxe Fri 06-May-16 14:23:44

Just saw that you replied OP. Good for you.

The bride is basically saying "the more money you give, the more you like us" which is just beyond vile. Plus if she knew about your inheritance, she should not ever think that she is entitled to any part of it. That breaks so many rules of decency that I don't know where to start.

Puzzledandpissedoff Fri 06-May-16 14:24:01

It's REALLY well crafted and well written, not something you'd dash off in a hurry. This is a cold, calculated move

Yes, this is precisely right; it's also what I meant when I said I recognised her writing style. Believe me, if she wants to reply she could probably make a pretty good job of it (by her grabby standards, I mean) which is why I didn't rant and rave - as I've said, my inclination is to leave her to reap the rewards (?) of her own behaviour, which probably won't be long in coming

And yes, my ex-colleague is a woman who married a man, if it makes any difference

newtscamander Fri 06-May-16 14:24:36

So glaf you replied. I can't believe her!!

PacificDogwod sums it up "I am aghast. My ghast has been well and truly flabbered." ! shock

RattusRattus Fri 06-May-16 14:24:57

Perfect response OP. Can't wait for her reply confirming that it isn't a mistake at which point you can roll out the MN classic of "I'm sure you didn't mean to be so rude".

Keep us updated as to the response OP!!

Lweji Fri 06-May-16 14:25:25

I was going to suggest that you'd keep it going just to see how far they'd go.

Starting with, "what amount would you say was reasonable, considering my warm wishes"? Then keep haggling.

if everyone just kept heir €150s and put them in accounts that earn interest everyone would be better off!
I often think this myself.

But it also reminds me of that episode in Sex and the City where Carrie got pissed off that as a single woman she was short changed as she never got presents, which she kept giving friends for their weddings, christenings, and so on. The one with the lost shoes. smile

Roussette Fri 06-May-16 14:25:39

OP can't cancel the cheque, why do people keep saying to do that when the OP has said it's been cashed?

I would write along the lines of...

Dear Grabby Fucker

I am astounded and actually quite hurt that you felt it necessary to write to me because you felt £100 wasn't enough as a wedding gift. You haven't even thanked me for that! I am not sure if you are referring in your email to my recent small inheritance, or whether you judge your wedding gifts by each guest and the amount of money they have, but needless to say I will not be sending you more money.

There is such a thing as courtesy, manners and friendliness and in light of your extremely rude email I think it best that we cut contact from this moment on.

Booboostwo Fri 06-May-16 14:25:58

Send her a biscuit. An old, stale biscuit.

diddl Fri 06-May-16 14:27:26

It reads as if they might have sent it to everyone with the hope of some stumping up more.

theDudesmummy Fri 06-May-16 14:28:49

I would just never ever talk to these people again. This makes me wonder, in real old lady style, what the world is coming to. I have never heard of anything so rude.

5608Carrie Fri 06-May-16 14:29:18

If they did Didl I don't think they will have many friends left.

I think I would have replied lol

Custardcream33 Fri 06-May-16 14:30:53


Please share their reply, if you get one, OP.

flanjabelle Fri 06-May-16 14:32:00


Whatamuckingfuddle Fri 06-May-16 14:33:25

Is she a daily mail reader? They may well shame her for you

weirdsister Fri 06-May-16 14:33:35

Was she just as rude and self-entitled when you worked with her op? She sounds like a shocker.

Divathecat Fri 06-May-16 14:33:39

Great email!

StayAChild Fri 06-May-16 14:35:04

Well done OP. Short, but conveys your horror perfectly.

Some funny retaliation suggestions here, but personally I would be really upset at the begging email, so wouldn't want to escalate it any further, other than to say exactly what you have in your reply. I wouldn't furnish them with another minute of my time. Enjoy your retirement. flowers

Summerblaze100 Fri 06-May-16 14:36:50

Brilliant response. Absolutely shocked at how entitled people are getting. What is the world coming to.

PotterBot Fri 06-May-16 14:38:23

I am literally aghast at this. There are no words except give me my money back you grabby bitch perhaps.

And that has viral written all over it. I'll happily share it on Facebook.

EarthboundMisfit Fri 06-May-16 14:38:26

I woulds reply saying that your are utterly gobsmacked by then email, and them have nothing to do with them in future.

daisydukes34 Fri 06-May-16 14:38:46

Surely this can't be real hmm

horseygeorgie Fri 06-May-16 14:40:00


AdrenalineFudge Fri 06-May-16 14:40:25

I'd tell them to fuck off.

I haven't rtft but why does an ex-colleague know about your inheritance?

Puzzledandpissedoff Fri 06-May-16 14:41:39

She was a bit what you might call "pushy" as a colleague, but nothing that would suggest something like this. To be fair, though, it's a while since I worked with her every day, though we stayed in contact - I later worked for myself and have, as I say, since retired

In all honesty I was a bit surprised even to get the invitation, but I'm a sucker for weddings anyway and genuinely wanted to wish them well. Probably I should have worked out what the clear motivation was ... hmm

SayAGreatBigThankyou Fri 06-May-16 14:42:07

Brilliant response, OP. I bet she responds.

FrogletinaBallerina Fri 06-May-16 14:43:23

I have read this thread and am shock the cheek of the bride is awful. Great email response by you OP.

PaniWahine Fri 06-May-16 14:43:24

Im disgusted but not surprised...

We live in Ireland and were invited to the 'Afters' of one of my OHs colleagues, a concept I'd never heard of until Ireland. Not being Irish either of us, I didn't know the protocol so gave some crystal flutes and a gift card for €50. Later gossip got back to me that we had been marked down as 'cheap', and so we weren't invited to the Afters of the next colleague to get married.

In contrast we went to the wedding of a close friend in Preston; flew over, two nights in a hotel, rental car etc. We gave £250 in a card. They approached us at the end of the night in a quiet moment to thank us for our (in their words) "very generous gift" and offered to give some of it back as they thought we had given too much!

The Afters thing bugs me! In Australia and New Zealand, you're either invited to the wedding or you're not, and the bar is paid for. Some couples have BBQ after the honeymoon but there's none of this "You're a 'B grade' friend, you can only come to dance" crap

picklypopcorn Fri 06-May-16 14:43:43

Love the reply! grin I hope she replies!

CrazyDuchess Fri 06-May-16 14:44:10

I must admit I have to keep reading your opening post as I am stunned!!! Just stunned

PotterBot Fri 06-May-16 14:46:49

She sounds like someone who wanted I make the maximum amount of cold hard cash out of her wedding.

PeppaIsMyHero Fri 06-May-16 14:48:00

I am speechless!

Great response. Keeps posted...

PeppaIsMyHero Fri 06-May-16 14:48:24

"Keep us posted", obvs...

DailyMailThicko Fri 06-May-16 14:48:43

I'm sorry but I just don't believe this. I think the OP is being joshed.

I'm sure there will be an outrageous reply soon.

Spock27 Fri 06-May-16 14:50:26


Has she considered that given you've recently inherited money, that must have been a result of having lost someone very close to you?? Why on earth would she think she's entitled to comment on that?

We did a gift list for our wedding and while it was lovely to receive the presents, the only reason we did one was because people wanted to know what to buy us. The things I remember about our wedding aren't the presents we received but the wonderful day that all of our loved ones spent with us. I remember thinking "I can't believe all these people are here for us!"

I don't envisage much happiness in her future to be honest...

ImperialBlether Fri 06-May-16 14:51:48

It seems the sort of thing a greedy couple might say to each other, rather than something a person would put in writing to the gift-giver. I can't think of anyone who would think a further gift would be forthcoming after receiving an email like that.

NeedACleverNN Fri 06-May-16 14:52:31

That is truly shocking behaviour

And the fact that you may have only been invited because of your recent inheritance is disgusting

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